after carefully reading some of thoses post, i already felt better. The fact, that pornography addiction, may be compared with drug addiction is an evidence to me.
I would consider three level of addiction.
#1 , Smoke like addiction, he who already started his sexual relationship without pornography, then went out at an already pretty late stage, watching pornography, as part of his own road, whether it's good or bad, i won't state, i'm not interested with #1
#2, weed like addiction, main difference with #1, would be having been in touch with pornography at an early age close to puberty, he who has watched such content from his youth, will hardly be able to stop, and now it's really an addiction, but im not interested with #2 either.
#3, cocaine like addiction, the one i'm interested with, because that's the one i'm into. Before, explaining why i compare watching images and movies, legally behind a screen, with making use of an illegal and such destructive subtance, i'll tell my own story, cause that's what it's all about.
13 years old. That's it. I'm a good kid, i was interested in some girls but was too shy, never dated one. God good friends at school. They talking about something, a movie, latenite, free channel plus i got a tv in my room, i should check !? i checked, i can't even remember, how it was, but it was something softcore, nothing that could hurt one. but it was the first step, not that i had never thumbed over such content accidentally, but now, i could do it purposely : what a difference.
14,15,16,17,18,19 years of growth as an addict, i jumped from #1 to #2.(Or u might say i started with #2). The major issue with pornography, which makes it a drug not simply an addiction, is that to get the same amount of satisfaction that u first had, u must move toward more and more explicit content. But in thoses years i did not cross the lines. But still, from watching a movie on free public channel, involving some sexual but softcore content, i went on to watch hardcore content. I should mention i did not have a person to have Real relations with: i grew with pornography, while no more my friend (i felt something was wrong, but i only blamed myself for not finding a girl to do all the things i'd see), it was not yet my enemy.
20 till 23. Mix drugs, and u get a deadly cocktail. Mix porn addiction, with social akwardness and u get a bomb. For other reasons, my social akwardness reached its peak, and it suited porn addiction perfectly. What to do when u have nothing to do? Remember, one click away. I was not strong enough to resist.
At that point, i tully started to experience first signs of sexual disorders, even mental issues. I must emphasize, that i never looked at extreme content, but, as was pointed out already by manies, u are not in control. The popups are ugly, really ugly, blows your mind up.
Nightmares! Weird stuffs in my dreams, what the ? i'd wake up, straight, shocked at nite, i was still in control of my mind, and blocked. But why did i even have to block ?
I never had any mental sexual disorder as a teenager, (a part from a banal episode, after watching the movie pull fiction, i was very very shocked by some scene). i mean , i really was into girls, althought i couldn't get one, i very much wanted to, i did not have any wrong thoughts.
And now. The link with porn was so evident, how could i ? I was so stupid, it is trully harmfull for the mind. So what did i do ? Stop porn ? Yes ? No. Too weak, Go straight into the wall ? No, im stupid but not THAT stupid. I thought thatby being more carefull about the kind of content i'd see i'll be safe. But as i stated even if u don''t want to, u see images that stick in ur mind and that u didn't intend to see, but u saw them.
I had another nightmare, then another one. At nite, during holidays ( the hardest period for me, since i would remain at home for weeks), after experiencing horrible nite, i was so afraid to sleep, i could stay 2 days without sleeping fighting as hard as i could. And yet i didn't stop Porn.
Am i THAT stupid ? No, it's a drug, it's heroine, it's cocaine. I'm just not Strong enought to stop straight on my own. I fought very hard, not to allow mental sexual disorders, "deviations" resulting directly from pornography.
But it was real ugly. When at college i couldn't even focus, having many porn images popping into my head, i felt insane. Yet i did not stop.
Eventually i moved to pursue my studies, and i had the fortune not to have internet not a tv in this little student room. Now, i stopped, how long ? six months. (Till i got back home for holidays). But let's come back to theses six months. As i stopped i thought i would feel much better and recover ... My bad. This was the contrary.
My mind played trick on me, images popping into my head 24/7. Nightmares every week, i'd wake up so disgusted, i'd go walk in the streets at nite. At college it was ugly, sick stuffs in my mind always.
Yet, after theses first months, really awfull. i felt better, i had less sexual thoughts, i could sleep better, i kept praying (faith can help), and at last, i met a girl, a sweet one, and more important, a perfectly clean one, she was a virgin like me. And from that point, i thought i would take my life back into control.
Alas, i was so naive to think such events would not let their sequels. First, she was in no hurry to start such relationship, (which is very normal for an healthy mind), but for my it was painfull. yet i had to wait for 1 and a half year. And, when i recovered not internet but a tv, i managed to get some very softcore content of beautiful women on video.
Might not hurt i thought. But should an ex alcoholic drink champagne ? That was the first mistake, caused part by my underestimation, of the dangers, part by my refusal to acknowledge the addiction. At last, we had some relationship.
Awfull. Two words: impotent and precoce. any further sentence is superfluous. Theses were the physical sequels. Also, i recovered from the first one, the second one is still with me, or Against me.
I will not go anyfurther into details, as, at this point, you prolly understood what #3 is. The main difference between #2 and #3, is experiencing, mental disorders (deviations), and physical disorders.
I'm in #3. That's my story.
Dear ATLF, Thank you for sharing this on the forum. It sounds like you in a place of real frustration with no clear idea of exactly how to progress.
After reading you post however, I am not completely clear on exactly where you now. You need to focus on the NOW. Yes you need to analyse what has happened and how you have got here. But you then have to utilise that knowledge and put it into effect to Counter this PA.
So post back, and tell us where your at, we know your mission, but tell us your intentions, what have you learned from previous falls etc.
Wishing you the best.
FM
__________________________________________________ ___ Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.Martin Luther King Jr
Hello ATraverslesFlammes - wow what a mouthfull, is that french for through the flames? Good to have you here and it was interesting to read your 'epistle'. Your dead right is is a strong addiction, but 'crackable' - just my little joke! People can and do break free from Cocaine, Crack, Heroin and any other type of drug so it always is possible, its just difficult. Part of the problem is the Porn is so darn tempting and so very available, so any quitting must first start with our attitude toward it.
I'm trying to recover, but i'm still into PA. Last time i've looked at P, was like a week ago. The problem, is that i alway go back to P through softcore content nowing that hardcore is awfull, but as an addict, to get the same amout of pleasure, u need to go further and further, and i always move on to hardcore. After year of PA my brain has been severly damaged, i developped different diseases both physical and psychical.
For instance, i see sexual motives anywhere, if i see an image quickly not being able to understand what it is, i'll see something sexual in it, i don't wanna go into details cause that's not the point, and cause i feel ashamed and disgusted about myself too.
So, the most recent shock was some nightmare i had at nite, few days ago, involving deviant things, i'm very ashamed they even go through my mind. First think was, maybe that's just what Freud is talking about: what u truly want subconsciously. I was shocked, almost stoned, couldn't react, i just got up, and went out to take a walk in the late nite.
Then, i went back home, started looking at PA over the net, i didn't search for porn as an addiction, not realising it was something that was pointed as such. Seing, people experiencing some problems like me (although, none really described anything really damaging to his mind, which is trully my subject).
So, now, i'm trying to stop, but it doesn't make sense to count the days, as i was already able to stop for months and i would then go back.
Try to have a drug addict giving up, with a stock of drug holding in his room, that's what the internet is.
I'll try hard to stop, i know i can stop for months, as im so shocked by the disorders my mind is up to. But when it goes down a little, i become less carefull, look at softcore, then move back to hardcore.
Which brings me to a very important point. One must dig hard to recover from drug addiction. Giving up cocaine for a time , is the first step, but not the last. After you've succeded for a few weeks. (throught theses days, you'll experience, disorders the degree depending on the depth of ur addiction). I've read something about the subconscious, trying to get its food by itself if u don't give it to it. But the mind isn't working on its own, and trully when i'm very shocked i don't do theses nightmares cuz i stop them, or wake up before it happens. It happens when i relax. But you cannot be stressed ur whole life.
So, how to recover? In my opinion, the most, very most important part for a recovering PA, after giving up all kind of porn, even very softcore, (an alcoholic will not drink champagne, no), is to get a normal sexual life.
That's very very hard.
How does the mind work i don't know.
But, as i'm experiencing, it's hard to have it working properly. Hard to have pleasure, from a normal relationship, nothing alike what's in Porn. Not wanting to get into details.
So that's it, the hardest part about recovering. For the moment i'm still in the giving up P part, but i'm no doubt i'll give up for months, with the help of this forum, i'm very sure, but the second part, starting a real, great sexual life. Having pleasure in the healthy way.
How difficult. A woman is not a computer. U don't like this movie, go to another one. it's too slow, rush straight to what u want. A woman is not like that. From my own experience, it's very hard to make fine love, when u became a PA before ur first relationship.
AtraversLesFlames,
Thank you so much for being open and honest about your P addiction.
I think you are on the right track in thinking it is like other addictions.
Our brain is altered by it and it also ties into a very important biological function.
Understanding this is an important part of recovering from the addiction.
Also before getting ahead of yourself and thinking about getting into a relationship perhaps focus on remaining p free now?
I found this helpful in understanding the brain and P addiction and recovering from it:
Just know it is possible ( I have 85 days p and mb free today!) and you are right I believe (from experience) in thinking even the "soft" stuff leads back into the hard stuff.
Last edited by pythagoras; 03-06-2008 at 06:54 PM.
Reason: spelling
ATLF, I admire your indepth study of trying to work out your mind, and relate it to similarities of drug addiction. There are mant topics that have been discussed in this forum, that you have touched on in your post.
What I would like to say, (which may be a wrong assumption) is that reading your post, the place you at right now, it comes across as your dwelling alot and a lot of self loathing is going on.
The quote from your post above:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ATraversLesFlammes
I'll try hard to stop, i know i can stop for months, as im so shocked by the disorders my mind is up to. But when it goes down a little, i become less carefull, look at softcore, then move back to hardcore.
To me this is negative talk. You need to get your mind focused.
Instead of "'I'll try to stop" Say " I WILL STOP"
You will become more complacent, but acknowledge that, you know your weaknesses, and you can always avoid or prepare for tempting situations.
for example,
provocative programme on TV, CHANGE THE CHANNEL.
You feel the urge to look at something on the internet, even if it is soft. DONT, Dont even touch the computer, walk away, Be strong with yourself, gain control of it.
Think Positive, Reading posts, here you will see the damage it causes individuals and families. But you will also read so many fantastic stories, there are so many positives but we are lazy, we are stuck to habits that make us feel comfortable and give us a high. IT WILL Fade, It really does.
I myself am just over 2 months P free. But honestly I am tempted everyday, sometimes so slightly, that i dont bat an eye lid, other days a stronger feeling in which I have to walk away from something, or focus on something completley different for a few minutes, after that the temptation is gone.
ATLF, You can do this, Focus, be positive, you will regain control and regain and improve you life.
__________________________________________________ ___ Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.Martin Luther King Jr
Can I ask you a question AtraversLesFlames about your time when you are not looking at porn, do you permit yourself in these times to 'think' about porn?
i try very hard to avoid any kind of porn related thoughts.
Reading all the replies, and my own post. I must say, i was and prolly am too worried about the scientific aspect.
It's first of all, a matter of will. And i'll try hard from now on, as all of you, to fight the PA, not just to study it. Let not the evidence of the addiction be an excuse to stay in it.
So, it's been one week of being clean, that's my start.
Last edited by ATraversLesFlammes; 03-06-2008 at 10:36 PM.
Its not just willpower, its also do do with establishing clearly the reason you wish to quit and the tactics you intend to employ to achieve your goal. Having personal support from a close friend is also something I would consider nearly an essential.
the reason i asked the question is that I believe that thinking about the porn is nearly as bad as looking at the porn as it just makes the images more entrenched in our mental pathways, or we can create new images if we are highly imaginative. Avoiding giving any mental processing time to porn tends to make the images fade away or get archived away as someone here so eloquently put it.
*Severe issue* -
03-05-2008, 09:53 PM
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