Trying to recover desperately

[StarPuppy]

First off, I would like to apologize to my friends in TTF and also recovery support partners, Crissy(for relapsing on and off despite swearing to stay clean) and Mefree(for promising to PM you when there is a urge so as to support each other to stay strong..sorry i didn't keep my share of promise buddy)

i admit i need serious help. After noticing that i have degraded myself to the lowest point of needing P. Resorting to download P torrents, its illegal to have P in your computer here. so basically the next few days i will be worried that the Interpol will issue me a fine or arrest me for downloading P.

*note that i might get a little graphical*
Firstly google images and k9 does a great job in blocking P and N images however when my urge kicks in, i start off with something arousing and as it gets worse, i desperately find a loophole which then i relapse after which i will block the loophole and i would try to stay clean until the urge kicks in again

My girl knows that i watch P and MB and shes ok with it as it is a normal habit for guys to MB provided i don't overdo it but she doesn't know that i am fighting the addiction and losing it badly

Everyone gave useful comments however i have some issues with it.

Move your PC out of your room where its hard to look at P - My parents do not know of my P addiction, my older brother has already let them down, i cannot afford to break their hearts

Shut down your PC when there is a urge - The urge to MB is hard to kick off and my willpower is weak

I would need some help once again

[castaway16]

Hey SP.

I know exactly how you feel. Because I too had had to recuperate from breaking a similar promise once. The I decided, I'd never make such promise. The only promise I made myself then was that whatever happened, I'd never stop my attempts to quit, till I eventually do.

Sometimes, I even need a break after a relapse, to recollect my thoughts, and get back in focus. So maybe you need that ?

Also, I now believe that extreme safety measures aren't necessarily the solution. In some way, we're letting ourselves be weak this way; i.e, you could fall into the trap of thinking that "I'll look at this, I can do whatever I want, there's a filter sitting there to protect me. Relapse ? not my fault !". Maybe this is a bit exaggerated, but it conveys what I mean. And I would never want a filter and/or some person living around, to be the only reasons for me to quit. This means that once I'm alone, probably even if there is a filter, I'll manage to relapse.

Sorry for blabbing too much, I really need to sleep ! But I hope this helps.

As long as you want it, you'll eventually have it !

[artguy34]

My girl knows that i watch P and MB and shes ok with it as it is a normal habit for guys to MB provided i don't overdo it but she doesn't know that i am fighting the addiction and losing it badly

Everyone gave useful comments however i have some issues with it.

Move your PC out of your room where its hard to look at P - My parents do not know of my P addiction, my older brother has already let them down, i cannot afford to break their hearts

Shut down your PC when there is a urge - The urge to MB is hard to kick off and my willpower is weak

I would need some help once again

SP,

You can do this...

the idea of moving your PC to a more public area is a great start and good advice. If you're worried about breaking your parents hearts, then use that to fuel your resolve to beat this addiction. If you can't use your PC without them seeing you, then you know it is a deterrent to view P. Just don't view P!

If you power down your PC, then when temption hits, you know its a pain in da butt to power it back on, so that in itself should discourage you to give in to your impulse of viewing P.

Also, think of Why you are doing this? What are your reasons for quitting and staying clean? Use them as your focus to fight your urges.

The power is within you... now it's time to stand up and take control of your own life.

Good Luck my friend!

[glovert]

StarPuppy, I am pretty much in a similar baot with you, in that I consciously know I'm about to look at P, but end up doing it anyway. I also too have parents and fear them finding out, however I do have two suggestions regarding your particular situations
1. give your k9 password to a trusted friend - whether one of your recovery supporters on ttf or a friend. I've done the same thing for my monitoring X3 Watch system, and whilst I have still found ways to relapse it has significantly reduced the possibilities
2. one thing I did was place items around me that would discourage me from P and MB - eg around my laptop I placed a bible and a photo of my family (for the most part this worked until recently; until my urges overtook my shame; a very distressing part of my tale)

By no means are these ultimate solutions, but trust me, they do aid you in building your resilience and willpower against PA