New member (sadly)

[anonymousaddict]

Edited: I have followed everyone's advice and told her. We are still together, thank god. But I have also realized something. If she ever realizes that I have told our story, she wouldn't forgive me. Just knowing that I confided in someone else close to me was enough to upset her, telling her that I have told strangers (no matter that they are going through our situation) would hurt her. So I have taken out this post.

I will say this though: Thank you all for your replies. You are right, as honesty is key. This is a problem which thrives in the darkness, and only through being honest to yourself and your SO can any progress be made. Sorry to have deleted this, but I hope you understand.

[artguy34]

Hello Anonymous,

Well I have to say that your story is heart wrenching. I am a PA as well and I have hurt my wife badly because of it. But luckily enough, she is walking this path with me and has given me the chance to seek healing and recovery. My wife is also on this site and seeks her healing from what my addiction has done to her.

Like you, I started with P at an early age. (Im 38 yrs old now) And in just 4 months, I have learned so much by being at this site and taking the time to read many peoples' story. I would encourage you to do the same. First read some of the PA's stories and struggles. Then read some of the SO's journals and see what pain they go through on a daily basis because of our addiction. Its not easy and you will feel all this guilt and shame but you can use that feeling to help you heal.

I am certainly not one who should give advice since I am not a doctor, but I do want to point something out that you said which I think is very important.

I just finished writing this and I honestly feel like I am going to cry. Not only have I done something which would hurt her if she knew (and probably make her get a divorce), but I have done the worst thing for my unborn child. I feel like I'm not worthy to be a father, or the husband of my wife, though I really want to be. I'm not sure how I'll make it through the weekend now, as I can't even look myself in the mirror, let alone my wife

The first step has already been taken. You know you have an addiction. Now its time for you to take your other steps. It is time for your recovery. And YES, you are worthy to be a father, but it is not a right, it is a priviledge!

Ask any Significant Other (SO) if they wished that their husbands/boyfriends would have come clean on their own, and I would say that 100% of them would say yes. The first problem and one of the serious ones is that most of the SO's only know about their spouses PA because they are caught.

NOW is your time to be proactive. Yes, it is risky, and you may lose your wife and child in the process. However think of the damage you could cause later on if your wife found out without you telling her? You will lose her for sure it seems.

You deserve a chance to be a father, but if you want that chance, now is the time to do it. Step up, take responsibility and stop the cycle that porn creates. Heal yourself so you can be the husband and father you truly want to be.

If you tell your wife when you see her next, she will be angry, hurt and feel betrayed. However if you show her your plan of action and how you have given deep thought on healing yourself, she may see past that anger and support you for making the choice yourself. She may decide to walk the path of recovery with you. Just like you need to be there for her during her pregnancy. And... you need to be 100% honest and transparent with her. No more secrets, no more lies.

It may sound easy for me to say all of this to you, but believe me, I failed at all of these miserably, so I speak from failed experience. However I had a chance to make things right and in doing so, I have a totally different perspective on my life. The difference is night and day.

One more thing... Those panic attacks you get when you think about P and see triggers that lead you to P? They are probably by-products of your guilt, shame and deception that you have incorporated into your lifestyle. As I had experienced, once I let go of the lies, deception and constant hiding of P use, the burden was lifted off my shoulders and I live with a lot less stress.

Well, this is just my opinion anyways, and I hope I do not sound like a know it all? Please feel free to read other journals from PA's and see what they go through. You can read mine if you wish, or good journals from Daniel, FoolishMind, Vorlan, Athenon, Rowlf, lightseeker, StarPuppy and so on and so on.

P.S. If you do confess to your wife and she decides to walk with you through your recovery, then I would recommend that she join TTF and read all the journals of the SO's and seek healing for herself while you go through yours.

Good Luck on your journey, and I hope to see you more on TTF!

[maggie]

Anon,

I agree with ArtGuy. If she finds out that you have been sneaking P behind her back and lying to her.... this will devastate her, especially now that she is carrying your baby.

I also agree with AG, that telling her about your continued use of P, may cause her to leave, but the important word here is
" may ", she might agree to work with you and help you to overcome this monster.

But, if you keep this secret from her and she catches you now, after you already promised her that you stopped, she will most likely walk away. And, seriously , could you blame her?

[jrock123]

Hi Anonymous, I think Artguy's advice about fully preparing before you talk to your wife is the right step. if you say up front, I am an addict and I need your help because I do not want to hurt you. Here's my plan that shows triggers and what i will do to avoid them. tell her you joined TTF and at least show her the website so that she can see there are tons of us who simply have addictions that are difficult to control. I think comparing it to alcoholism is a good way to go because most folks understand that alcoholism is real. I have 3 alcoholics in my family including my dad who quit drinking 30 years ago and still goes to 5 AA meetings a week. Talk to her about filter software, set it up, and let her own the password. if you can put all of this down on paper, and simply admit that you are an addict, and cannot overcome this without her, I think it will help your case. I told my wife to ask me if I've "been good" every few days to help me out. I minimize my alone time as much as possible. you would be increasing your chances that she would accept your weakness and help you get over it. The best part is that you know this is wrong and you feel horrible about it. That is step 1.

[Crisodian]

Interestingly enough, I, too, once felt porn was a choice not an addiction. As ArtGuy's SO, I can sympathise with the struggle you and your wife are going through.

I think once I learned about PA/SA and how the body reacts to P, it really opened my eyes to the depth of the problems caused by P.

Have you read any material or books on PA? IMO, as an SO, educating myself became my top priority once I realised my H couldn't just "stop" looking. I know you are fearful of your wife's reaction, but again, in my opinion and this is only a suggestion, if you take the initiative and get the educational materials about PA, maybe she will be willing to be a bit more open minded about your struggle if she is able to read actual studies and literature that documents how PA causes actual physical changes, withdrawl, and so many more challenges for the person trying to recover.


I hope you both find a path to peace,
~C~

[maggie]

Is porn really an addiction ?

I think I posted that same question here, last October.

Now, that I've been reading about all of the heartache and pain p causes in its users, and how some guys struggle to try and end this for years, I see it is a very powerful addiction.

My problem has been about the beginning stages of porn viewing, when it is not addiction. The first few times a person looks and feels aroused. It cannot be an immediate addiction, so in the beginning it is just a poor, selfish, choice that feels good for a few minutes. I can see how easily this could happen for a teen, but it's such an obviously bad decision in an adult married man.

The curiousity of a teen, as ANON, who was so young in the beginning, is understandable. The fact that his mind & soul was pulled into this just attests to the manipulation of the Big Business of Porn. Reminds me of Big Business of cigarette pushers. They peddle to the young males 15 - 18, because they are so impressionable.
Porn does the same thing...immoral greed that corrupts the chance of a happy and fulfilling life.

[jrock123]

this is tough....anything can be an addiction - it is defined as losing control, being compulsive about it, and having difficulty stopping. if its alcohol or porn or drugs, it will certainly affect others. but it could be overeating, smoking, TV watching, video games, etc. I just wonder if there is some way to get your wife to read some of the stories on this website. why not at least suggest getting her an account on TTF and reading a few stories? that said, she is giving you tough love. you need to choose - your wife or porn. there is something very clear about these expectations. she isn't giving you an out. maybe she IS helping you but not in the way you want? she is not giving you a chance for slip ups. maybe she does love you and wants the real you she met a few years ago. I am just throwing out scenarios and perspectives in hopes that you find one that helps you......