The addict

[cyberpunk]

Okay, I'm sure that this post might offend some people and I'm sorry for that. Know that it is not aimed at any one person or even a group of people. It is just something that has been building up for me over the last few months and today I feel that I finally understand it.

In Alcohlics Anonymous there is a distinction between a "Hard Drinker" and an "Alcoholic". A hard drinker may appear and act like an alcoholic but when the right job, girl, situation comes around they suddenly clean up, get their act together and move on with their life. For the alcoholic there is no motivation, threat or fear that is strong enough for them to stay sober.

Many of the members on here have had a secret p problem for years. One day, their SO discovers it (or how bad it really is) and threatens to leave. In their horror these PAs come to this site and start posting, go see a counselor and go to meetings and 30 days later they have 30 days of sobriety. To this addict I say "I am very happy for you and I am glad that you have gotten sober but you don't understand me."

There is another type of addict on this site. These addict come for a while but when they can't stay sober like (it appears) everyone else they stop coming, shamed and discouraged, wondering what is wrong with them. Sometimes they consider suicide as the only escape.

When it comes to sx, p and mb I fall into the latter group. Fear of death, prison or hell are still not enough for me to get and stay sober. A thousand times I have gathered all of my will power and swore to abandon this forever and a thousand times I have failed. Inspirational quotes are inspirational but otherwise useless in my battle. I have had a counselor tell me that there was nothing more he could do for me and I have lost the girl I love and still I can't stay sober.

I am often frustrated when "pseudo" addicts try to FIX me. They think that because it was easy for them it should be easy for me and if it isn't working, well, I'm either not trying hard enough or something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me, I AM AN ADDICT!

I love my SA meetings because the others there are the same as me. Many of them have years of sobriety and this gives me hope because I know that their struggle has been just as difficult as mine and yet they are sober. They also understand that this isn't something they fix and move on with their lives because they are addicts and there is something broken inside of them. They know if they stop working their recovery they will lose their recovery.

I am slowly making progress on this addiction but it hasn't come from will power. It has come from recognizing that, by myself, I am powerless over this addiction and I need as much help as I can get, from God, a sponsor, this site and fellow addicts. I need this help frequently, sometimes every hour or more. It has also come as I have recognized the unnegotiable need for absolute and complete honesty. I use to think that once I was sober enough I would have the strength to be honest. Know I know the truth, by being honest I will have the strength to be sober. I am sure that there are many more lessons that I need to learn and these will take time so I can't give up or lose hope.

Are there any other addicts on this site who understand these feelings?

[Crisodian]

cyber,
I think any addict, REAL addict, who has embraced the fact that they are an addict, a life long addict, not a quick fix and move on type, understands exactly what you have expressed here. I understand it completely.

I am not an SA or a PA, but an addict none the less.

... I know the truth, by being honest I will have the strength to be sober.

You hit the nail on the head with that one. Until the addict embraces their addiction and seeks help for themselves, not for their SO, not for their sponsor, not for their family, not for anything but themselves and are truly honest with themselves alone will recovery be possible. That has always been my opinion.

Peace,
~C~

[Vorlan]

I believe I understand you here Cyberpunk. I've been clean for about a year and a half now and I still know that given the appropriate temptation I would fail. I've got into the habit in dealing with temptations and triggers but I know there will always be a part of me which wants to drag me down back into the abyss again.

That said I equally feel I may be one of the people who frustrate you and likely others by trying to "fix you" and others while appearing to have had an easy ride. I hope not but I'll be honest that that's what I thought readin it. For me at least I hope you understand that any indication I may give of an easy ride is an illusion at best. My policy has always been to be as positive as possible; I know I will probaly never be totally free of this addiction but if I go through my whole life believing in failure I won't get anywhere. Whether it's true or not I choose to believe that I can defeat this addiction because the other choice leads me personally to only despair and failure. I choose what I do by whether it helps or hinders me. As I do not believe (although I also don't explicitly disbelieve) in a higher power I have no fall back other than the belief that I personally can conquer anything through willpower, planning and hard work. I can see how appealing to your higher power has helped you but from my perspective this is not a path I can take.

I don't know whether you'd class me as a true PA or merely a hard Per and frankly it doesn't matter really but I'll devil's advocate your statement here from the point of view of someone who's been relatively successful at dealing with this.

It's frustrating to be told that you are responsible for your mistakes when you are an addict but it is also frustrating for people who have fought an addiction to see people who no longer seem to believe in a brighter future. Equally it is all too easy for people in my position to get frustrated at people who don't seem take responsibility for their position. This is an arrogant attitude that I know I can personally be guilty of and it can lead to trivialising the struggle of others. I don't know how tough this addiction is to you and my only point of reference - how it was for me - is fast becoming distorted by time. The human mind naturally attempts to forget those dark days.

I don't know... I guess I just don't like the idea of being broken...

Either way my outlook is that with any sort of view about PA you should ask yourself "Does this help me succeed?" if your viewss do then they are the best you could have. Personally constantly thinking of myself as "broken" and a permanant addict would not help me so I don't. In the end that idea would be just a crutch and a get-out clause preventing me taking responsibility for my success or failiure.

That said though in the past I also subscribed to the "eternal addict" ideology because at the time it helped for me to not have to deal with the responsibility and the addiction together.

I have the greatest respect for you Cyberpunk and there is definately truth in what you say. I hope you understand though that there is more than one truth here. I hope that I didn't sound patronising or arrogant and that I made sense. I don't intend this to be an attack on you or your beliefs but an illustration of another side to this.

Best wishes,

Ben

[artguy34]

Yes Cyber, you are correct, I do find this offensive.

But... Im not going to lash out at you because I feel you have a right to express your feelings and voice your opinions. For that I have much respect.

However... like a big brother, I am going to give you a kick in the rear that I think you need right now...

I am often frustrated when "pseudo" addicts try to FIX me. They think that because it was easy for them it should be easy for me and if it isn't working, well, I'm either not trying hard enough or something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me, I AM AN ADDICT!

Pseudo Addicts? really? Well let me express my thoughts on the matter. I am an addict, and I've been an addict longer than you have been breathing air! I just never knew or cared to admit it until now.

Do you really believe it is easy for anyone here to remain sober and clean? I battle everyday with urges and even though my urges are not as strong as I once had, they are there... and all it takes is one slip up, one mistake, and I could fall right back into the piles of crap I was once in.

I'll tell you why I haven't relapsed since I started... main reason is because I try to do everything possible to avoid triggers. I arm myself with knowledge, guilt, shame, success, happiness and redemption. I take these things and I use them when I need strength to fight my urges.

I need as much help as I can get, from God, a sponsor, this site and fellow addicts. I need this help frequently,

I too need much help. I get it from my wife, from a counselor, from TTF and from literature we bought. Soon I will be talking to a spiritual counselor who is a close friend of mine. I use all of this to help me become a better person. That is my goal.

I cannot pretend to know why you keep relapsing, or I cannot condem you for it. I can only support you and encourage you to continue making yourself better. I always say that relapse is not an option. Sobriety is a life change.

Are you willing to make that life change?

I hope so, because many of us have seen the good person that you are. We'd like for your growth to continue!

Good Luck Cyber, and continue to fight for your freedom!

[cyberpunk]

While I knew that this would be offensive to some people it is not meant to be an attack on anyone nor is it meant to question the depth of their addiction or the struggle in their recovery. I don't know you and I certainly don't know what you've gone through in your life.

It is meant to portray the frustration and despair that many of us feel and to say "you are not alone." My hope is that somebody will one day read this and say "hey, that guy understands what I'm going through" and perhaps that knowledge will be enough to continue fighting and to have hope.

As for a higher power; while I believe in God, strongly, I am having a difficult time putting faith in him with my recovery. I think of my higher power as "something greater than myself" that can help me to gain sobriety. Right now my higher power is my sponsor and my SA group. Obviously they aren't God but they are greater than myself and they give me strength to continue.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

cyberpunk-

I am not offended by your post. I know you are frustrated by yourself and your situation. I think its hard when you aren't making progress to see yourself in the addicts here who are in recovery and not relapsing. When you are in the tunnel, all you can see is the tunnel. So, your frustration is, I think, a matter of perspective and your perspective is quite bleak right now.

I do not classify my husband as a pseudo addict. He is clean now. But he took a long time to get to this point. He sacrificed his health, fitness, education, promotion, military career, children, wife, etc... for his addiction. Just because he has 60 days clean, it doesn't mean it is easier for him than it is for you. It just means that something happened inside him where he was ready to get help, accept help, and stop thinking that he could never be clean. His life won't be easy or perfect, and he will alsways be an addict and in recovery. We both know this.

My mother was an alcoholic until the day she died from alcohol related/induced cancer. I don't classify her as "hard core" and my husband as "pseudo addicted". The difference between them is that something clicked for my husband and he chose life, and life more abundantly. My mother never did. We will see if my husband continues to choose life. But either way, he will always struggle and always be an addict.

It is harder for some people than others. I agree with you. I hope you find your path to life. But if you don't, you are still a person who deserves love, friendship and family. If you can't or won't kick the P/MB, but you can still kick the lying, then that is a huge step in the right direction.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Don't give up on yourself.

[maggie]

Cyber

Very honest post. I am only the SO, but I can see what a tenacious monster this PA is, and your continuing battle is solid proof of that. Reading your journal and posts, I learned you were very intelligent & educated and motivated, but still hurting in this area of your life.

Now, I will be honest with you and tell you that after reading about your resolve, your continued efforts to analyze the addiction, your raw confession about a life full of lies, and the pain of losing your gf, I wondered why you couldn't get control of this thing. But that just made it even more clear to me how horrific this addiction is.

No, I haven't totally forgiven my partner for the deceit and lies this addiction caused in our relationship, but after reading about your strong resolve, followed by crushing defeats, it forced me to
acknowledge and respect the powe of the P monster and better understand how my H got pulled into it., Weird huh?

[Little lock]

It is meant to portray the frustration and despair that many of us feel and to say "you are not alone." My hope is that somebody will one day read this and say "hey, that guy understands what I'm going through" and perhaps that knowledge will be enough to continue fighting and to have hope.

Hmm. I've been here for two years. My 16th birthday pased 4 days ago. I joined around the same time two years back. When I was 14.

Two years. And today is my second day of abstinence since my last slip. I won't say I can fully understand your post. But it is something similar to my situation. I got so frustrated, so angry at myself, I stopped coming here. C'mon! I told myself. Its been two years since I started my journal, two long years of slips, relapses, vows. What do I have to show for it? Nothing.

I fall into one of the categories you mentioned in your post, the one who gave up after a long struggle, got frustrated and angry with himself, and contemplated sucide as an option. Yeap. I'm that guy.

I applaud your courage in writing on this. It has helped me greatly, made me see and understand some things anew. Thank you.

[gnein]

There is another type of addict on this site. These addict come for a while but when they can't stay sober like (it appears) everyone else they stop coming, shamed and discouraged, wondering what is wrong with them. Sometimes they consider suicide as the only escape.

That paragraph describes me perfectly, and I can prove it by providing a link to the list of my posts on this forum. I know "you're not alone" sounds like a cliche, but in this case, it's true. There are a lot of us on this site who have been there, and there will probably be a lot more in the future. Some of us just have addictive personalities, what can we do?

Well, all we can do is keep working on the problem, keep fighting, and try to incorporate the advice of those who HAVE conquered the problem, those who HAVE managed to make 500 days clean or whatever. Of course, trying to follow what these people have done to the letter of the law may not work for everyone. What we need to do is look at the parts of their strategies that could help us, and incorporate them into our own plans.

Of course, some of us will continue to slip up. I've been one of the worst 'offenders' over the last two years in terms of relapsing. In the end, though, if you can get to a point where P is less a part of your life than it was before, and where your mindset starts to change, then you've made progress. If you can keep moving forward from that point, you'll get there in the end. It just might take a bit longer than for some of the pseudo-addicts.

[johnny5]

I can fully relate...

no amout of peer pressure, pain, guilt, shame, hatered, or fear can stop me in a binge... then I just want to die afterwards for the terrible things I've seen (especially the things that I WASN'T looking for, but tollerated anyway) and the fact that I failed myself. I feel like death is what I deserve for being so horrible...


But honestly, only a person with a conscience would feel that way. So, for the sake of the part of me that is still a decent person, I must recover and move on. I'm VERY glad that you posted this... I'm happy to know that others are fighting too. I'm glad to know that winning is possible. That people have gone 100days, 200days, even years without looking at P or MB. That P addicts can have marriages and relationships. That we can move on with life.

In short, thanks for posting.