My story and my struggle

[anewlife]

I've wanted to get this off my chest for such a long time but a life changing event had to occur for me to realize that the path I was on was not normal.
I grew up in Eastern Europe where in the 80s pornography was not attainable, except for the few that could travel to the West. My first experience with pornography must have been at about age ten when an older kid that came to visit his grandma in my town showed me Swedish hardcore porn. I was always a naive kid who believed in Santa Clause so when I first saw the magazine, it was a shock. My mind struggled to interpret the pictures I was seeing. Of course, I believed that that the Swedish women were very beautiful, but I didn't know what to make of the act. I had no emotional reaction to it, my mind had no negative or positive reaction. After that, I didn't see another magazine or look at porn until 1994 when I moved to the United States. I remember going to the grocery store and walking by a video store. Of course, as a teenager my hormones were raging. I lacked social skills, I didn't know English so it was difficult to approach girl, to have a normal relationship with. So with my heart racing 100 miles an hour I went to the adult section and rented my first adult movie. When I first watched it, again I had mixed emotions just like in 1986 when I looked at the Swedish magazine. But this time, I just seemed to look at the women as objects. Everything seemed so "impersonal". There was no emotion and of course there was definitely not love between the partners. It was in those three years between 18 and 21 that my mind of a porn addict was molded. Once I saw that movie, the addiction began. It wasn't that I wanted to see the same act over and over again, it was that I wanted to see different characters. It filled a void in my life, the void of awkwardness around girls and fear or rejection. The women in the porno movies couldn't reject me, they couldn't say no, I won't let you see me naked. It gave me a weird sense of power, to feed my ego. So since 1994 until this year, 15 years of addiction.
I'm 34 now, unmarried with two failed long term relationships since 2001. The first girlfriend didn't care that I watched porn because I was taking of her needs. But the second one, the one I intended to marry felt completely betrayed by me looking at porn. After 15 years of addiction, it took that look of betrayal on her face, on her angel face to realize that I was hurting her and our relationship. So here I am, having lost my girlfriend not only from watching porn but also from talking about sex with other girls on chat sites. It was an addiction to the high of casual sex fantasies that I wanted to live but because I loved her, I never went through with.
I'm quitting cold turkey and it's been two weeks since I haven't looked at porn. I realize that not only was it an addiction, but also an obsession. I was obsessed with power, with performing better than the guys in the porno movies. A competition you could say. Even now, everytime I think that my ex-gf could be intimate with another man sends me into panick attacks. So my addiction has led to sexual obsessions. I never want to look at porn again but I can feel my brain starving of those "feel good" chemicals that were released when I looked at porn. I think losing someone I loved very much because of this addiction is helping me because I've realized that I will die alone if I continue looking at porn.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

anewlife-

Welcome to the forums. I am sorry you lost your girlfriend, but if that spurred you to want to quit and come to this site, maybe it is a blessing in disguise for you.

You can get help, but you must truly decide to quit. There is a difference between thinking you should quit, and deciding you are really done and want to become a new man.

If you read through the forums, you will find a lot of helpful advice. You will also see you are not alone because other P addicts on here have gone through similar experiences to yours. Also if you read the SO journals, it will give you more perspective on how hurtful P is to those who love you.

You said,
"I was obsessed with power, with performing better than the guys in the porno movies. "

Keep in mind that the movies are a PERFORMANCE. Not only are they playing a role, the women who appear to be so pleased and aroused are also ACTING. Some people might want a P star for a lover, but most people want someone who they love, and who loves them as a lover.

So if you want to be better than the guys in a movie, then you should work on yourself and be a real man, and not a man who indulges in fantasy obsessions. You have taken the first step by being here. Good luck to you.

[lightseeker]

Hello anewlife,

a big welcome to you>:D<, i am sad that you lost the one you love but the good thing now is that it has brought you to the point where you realize you have a problem and that is the first most important step. It is a long hard road for all of us, i am still struggling in the beggining stages myself.

I did notice some similarites in your post to what i have been through, i lost the love of my life too a few years back and i am still yet to fully get over her. The difference is that it wasent because of the porn that broke us up as it wasent really an issue at the time, however i do beleive that my porn addiction contributed to the lead up to the split, due to certain factors involving certain needs not being met, this led me to act out with porn. Also being addicted to porn can lead to a lack of confidence, frustration, irritablility etc which probably led to more arguments, so although we didnt split because of porn, porn had some part to play in it, and for the most part i beleive that loosing her and the emotional bond i had with her has driven me to excessive porn use and here i am now.

So now, like you i want to rid myself from this, it has started to consume my life and interfere with things that are important, i long to find that loving conection with a new partner that i once shared, and that is far more rewarding in every sense than the quick fix you get from this addiction. Lately i try to visualise being with a partner and not being turned on by her because my brain is programmed for something she cant give me and my private part is programmed for hand stimulation only, this thought scares me, the porn will ruin future relationships as you have experienced already, so start now, get clean and always keep to mind the negative aspects of your porn addiction and the postives of quitting because there are many.

It wont be easy, take one day at a time, learn about porn and addiction, and learn from your mistakes.
Dont be alone with your computer, keep busy and work towards replacing the porn with other things, like study, excercise, hobbies etc. Also i would consider counselling to figure out what drives you to porn.

Take care

[little_wife]

>:D< welcome anewlife. Sadly, I think your story of naive children coming across porn is becoming more and more common. Good luck to you, and keep coming back to this site, even if you have setbacks, you will STILL be welcomed back.

[artguy34]

Welcome to TTF anewlife,

Sadly, something really bad had to happen in order for you to be here. But the up side is that you ARE here, and you want help. All the comments posted before mine are great bits of advice. I would follow them and read many threads to grasp a true realization of the effects of being a PA.

Essentially we as PA's are more often than not exposed to P at a young age. This brings us to the "Porn Trap" and it seems to be passed down from generation to generation. Sad really, but right now you have a chance to wipe the slate clean. Get help for yourself as well as a better understanding for women. If you can do this and become P-free, the next g/f you have will be more of a blessing for you and you can give 100% of your love to her.

Good luck on your road to recovery!

AG

[Daniel]

ANL,

Welcome to TTF. I am glad you found us -the Oasis in the ungodly online storm!

My heart goes out to your for the loss of your GF. This happened because there is a better plan for you in the future (in my worldview at least!). But please take heart!: now that you are "awake" and taking control, versus being controlled, it is really only UP for you now.

The chemical rush is a big observation and it's good that you note it. Indeed, we crave the stuff for lots of reasons but that physio-chemical rush is strong enough to over-ride a world's worth of common sense.

But you have been there and done that and realize that the entire enterprise is empty and only leaves you broken. The monster that only wants more and you (as I was too) will only become enslaved.

I veer from the main point -browse through the Journals of the current active members and you will certainly find a lot of encouragement, comraderie, tips and tricks for staying clean, and above all the ability to make a virtual friendship with a group of excellent people finding their way up the path to Freedom.

Let the Healing Begin!,

Daniel