Compensating for Male Sex Drive

[jrock123]

I can rationalize that men are more apt to look at a beautiful woman walking down the street than a woman would look at men. Once a couple marries, men still look at beautiful women more than women look at men. We all know that as married couples get older, women lose sex drive and its usually men who want it more than women. I know many many couples in this situation. there are far more male pa's in this forum than women. These are in no way justifications for porn or MB - I know that. But how is a man supposed to compensate for this. I don't have an answer. what do women think of when THEY masturbate. Is it all about the sensation they feel? Is that enough to orgasm? I have masturbated 2-3 times or more a week since I was 12. I've been a porn addict for 10 years. The only thing I can do now to see how I might view things differently after an extended time without porn and masturbation. I will say this. I am looking at my wife more sexually these days. We made love 1x and she masturbated me 1x in my 12 days of sobriety. But I am always looking at her and am wishing she was naked. My wife I have been married 23 years and had long periods of no sex. We have always been best friends and enjoyed each other's company. We have had about the easiest marriage. 5 months ago, we began our effort to increase making love. Given all of this, men are more sexually charged than women. Are there men who masturbate for the feel of it or do most men think of another woman. Either way I am going to abstain from MB and P until I've figure out what life looks like after an extended time. It still seems like nature says men need to masturbate more than women.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

jrock-

I am a woman, so my point of view might be different than yours. You seem to take it as fact that men are more sexual than women and that as women age, they lose their sex drive while men's sex drive stays the same or increases.

I know plenty of men who have less of a sex drive than women. Many of my friends complain that they are far more interested in making love than their husbands are. This is couples ranging from early 20s to late 30s. I have always thought I had a higher sex drive than my husband. It turns out, he was satisfying his own needs instead of making love to me. Now I wonder if my friends' husbands who aren't interested in their willing wives have a low sex drive, or if they are just PAs or cheaters too.

So, if a man just likes to look at P and MB instead of actually having sx with a willing and available partner, than what do you call that? I don't call it a higher sx drive, I call it selfish and silly.

I am not discounting the fact that some women lose interest or are less interested in sex than their partners. I have no idea why you and your wife have had such long dry spells. But, I would like you to consider that sometimes men think their partners don't want sx, but they have unrealistic expectations. When you look at P all the time, you might think all a woman needs is a naked man, and then boom, she's in the mood and you can do whatever you want. Also, from looking at P, you might think women are supposed to enjoy whatever you may or may not do and climax immediately just from your very presence. Most real women are not like that. It takes a little effort on a guy's part. Men are visual, women are more emotional. I think the most successful sxual relations happen when each partner is most interested in pleasing the other.

Love is necessary in a relationship, as is friendship and all sorts of things. But maybe when people are deciding to get married, part of the open conversation should include sxual expectations. If you know your future partner has a lower sx drive than you, don't expect marriage, kids, and a mortgage will change all that. Sx is not the most important thing in a marriage, but I do know that the lack therof ruins many a marriage. I think I may make a new thread about this.

Here's a thought. If MB is a natural act, which I think it is, then you shouldn't need anything to get you going except the sensation. If you have to look at P or fantasize to finish, then maybe you don't "Need" to MB.

This is just my perspective.

[jrock123]

just to be clear, I was not at all trying to justify MB and porn as a way to help men compensate. I was simply pointing out that before I was looking at porn and masturbating 1-2 times a day (last 10 years), I was still masturbating 2-3 times/week from age 12 through 38. I can't remember what I thought of in those days.

I am so glad you shared your perspective as I am relying on what I have heard from a few friends as well as my wife. We know of two couples that make enough remarks that its clear the wife isn't as interested and its always the husband who needs more. I have a good friend who says her husband would have sex everyday if he could. She has commented to me that she has lost her sex drive.

On women masturbating, this is actually a new subject for me and I am the first to claim that I am naive here. Believe it or not, my wife had always claimed that she didn't masturbate. Based on what I had read, this didn't seem possible. But she told me enough times in the last 23 years, that I believed her. She does seem conservative sexually and is not usually willing to experiment much.

Your comment on ifs it so natural, why do you need an image to mb. wow - what a comment. and what a perspective that hadn't crossed my mind. I am sure you are not saying you have never thought of a man during mb, right? I am anxious to trying doing this without an image. However I am only at 13 days sobriety and I think I need to at least get to a month or 2 months so I can be further along breaking my mb and p habit. Make sense?

This is why I love the TTF forum. I can have such an open conversation with a women and hear views more diverse than my own. It also helps me to exchange views with a woman suffering from a husband's mp and p addiction. Thank you!!!! =D>

[little_wife]

Don't take this personally, but I felt myself getting rather irked as I read this jrock. This sounds like the same reasoning my husband had as he frittered our marriage away with his porn. The fact was, when he wasn't using P my sex drive was every bit as great as his. When he'd start using P, he'd stop wanting to be with ME. He would stop putting any energy into being together. And I would get tired of competing with his porn (and always losing.) So then he'd talk about how much greater his drive was then mine, when in fact, I simply wasn't being satisfied. I needed a connection that I was not getting from him, because he put all his energy into satisfying only himself, but yet, he expected me to bring my needs to him. Sorry, but this was unfair, and unsatisfying.

As far as M'ing is concerned, I always O'ed much easier by myself. He encouraged me to M and it helped me discover what I needed to be satisfied. But once I got to that point where I was familar with my own body, M'ing simply exhausted my energy for him either. So I stopped. I preferred being with him, and having the connection with another person.

Next question, are you sure you're not simply trying to have these talks with women for a vicarious thrill? Just wondering....

[cyberpunk]

Why are we talking about this in a recovering PA forum. This discussion of female sxuality is not good for me as an addict. If you want to talk about this then go to an adult forum. Why are we asking these questions if we are trying to recover and why are we posting them here?

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I edited my previous post to remove unnecessary material. After I responded to jrock, I thought about some of what I said and remembered how this conversation was triggering for him with his friend in real life. I don't want to play in to that.

My previous comments still stand however about misconceptions about sx drive. I agree with little_wife 100%.

I think this whole conversation is just a rationalization for doing what you want to do.

Thank you cyberpunk.

[cyberpunk]

thank you wonlm. I don't think the overall idea of the discussion is bad. Most men have a very skewed idea of a woman's sx drive because of all of the P.

We do not, IMO, need a discussion on female mb practices. This is something I would search for on my P binges and I don't want to come to TTF and find it here.

Thanks again for editing your post WONLM.

[Vorlan]

Just to clarify for everyone here discussion of female MB and sx drive is helpful insofar as it aids PAs recover and understand their partners furthur. However explicit or detailed discussion is a trigger to members and is therefore not helpful.

TTF is a recovery website and therefore discussion which is harmful to recovery can't be allowed for the protection of our members.

I hope that clears this up.

Best wishes,

Ben

[jrock123]

Thanks for catching this. I've been in the forum for a couple weeks and let a conversation carry beyond what it was originally intended for. I will be significantly more careful next time.

[jrock123]

Don't take this personally, but I felt myself getting rather irked as I read this jrock. This sounds like the same reasoning my husband had as he frittered our marriage away with his porn. The fact was, when he wasn't using P my sex drive was every bit as great as his. When he'd start using P, he'd stop wanting to be with ME. He would stop putting any energy into being together. And I would get tired of competing with his porn (and always losing.) So then he'd talk about how much greater his drive was then mine, when in fact, I simply wasn't being satisfied. I needed a connection that I was not getting from him, because he put all his energy into satisfying only himself, but yet, he expected me to bring my needs to him. Sorry, but this was unfair, and unsatisfying.

As far as M'ing is concerned, I always O'ed much easier by myself. He encouraged me to M and it helped me discover what I needed to be satisfied. But once I got to that point where I was familar with my own body, M'ing simply exhausted my energy for him either. So I stopped. I preferred being with him, and having the connection with another person.

Next question, are you sure you're not simply trying to have these talks with women for a vicarious thrill? Just wondering....

I assure you that was not where I was going. I am simply raising issues where I am looking for alternative perspectives. I shouldn't have posted much of my commentary. I got carried away and I apologize for doing this. I am at 14 days and working hard on eliminating this addiction from my life. I know I have a skewed view due to bad practices in my life. Hearing a woman's perspective is not for the thrill of it. Its to help me get to the right place on how I should be thinking. I am sorry for posting where I did. Getting a thril on this website is the last thing on my mind.