First posting

[Tryingagain]

Hi everyone,

I felt it was time to introduce myself and ask for support from the group.

I'm 39, married to an amazing woman, yet still continue occasionally relapsing on P. My habit is downloading pictures and videos, usually using for up to an hour, sometimes more. For the first 5 years of our relationship, I'd relapse once or twice a year and tell her, which would result in a brief intense crisis but also deep healing. Over the last year I've looked at P about a dozen times, but have not told her. The last time was a couple hours ago. I have hidden it from everyone, including my best friends and spiritual group, until right now. It's been really hard at times; after I relapse the night feels like a continuous panic attack, and I'm exhausted the next day or two, and feel terrible. Most days there's no craving, but I find I can give in so easily when the urge strikes. I have a blocker on my computer but still find ways to get pictures downloaded (like on my iphone), so it's only partly successful. After a relapse, I usually say the next morning, "I'll do anything to not do this again." Then a couple days later it's almost like I've forgotten about the whole thing, and the lessons from the relapse experience seem so far away.

So, I wanted to ask this group to support me in my sobriety...

I made out this "plan" for myself:

"When I’m thinking of whether to relapse or not, I will breathe and FEEL BEYOND IT ANYWAY POSSIBLE. THIS WILL FEEL GOOD! For instance,I will just put attention on the room, my body, etc. Next, I will feel the impact on the next hour, the rest of the day, the night, how I won't sleep, the torture I will be going through that night and next morning, the hellish feeling the next day, the fight over whether to tell or not, the lack of eating, the desire to harm or punish myself, the drain on my loving connection, the avoidance of my wife i, the attempts to hide and lie and look “normal”, the impact on other relationships known and unknown, the increase in hopelessness I may feel, the recognition that I’m missing out on chances to grow and clarify the energies that triggered it, the fatigue the next day or longer, the potential harm to my or others’ long term health, the delay in my spiritual growth, the harm to others that may come from not clarifying this, the potential that my history will be tracked online and I’ll be found out, the emotional impact on me, the waste of time that I could have spent doing other things, the waste of energy, the impact energetically on the physical space it would take place in, the unclarity in my relationships with women, the possible increase in risk that I’ll do something even more harmful in the future than just downloading pictures, the missing out on chances to feel good about myself and good about overcoming impulses to use.



God, I pray that I may begin a long period of complete sobriety from any erotic seeking online. I pray that I may continue to clarify my body-mind. I am aware that this work will require my vulnerable and courageous revealing, even when I’d rather hide what is going on inside. I pray that I may notice impulses to look at erotica and immediately address them according to this plan.

I pray that I will ask for help from my wife or a friend, immediately if I should relapse again. I pray that I release and express myself in ways that keep the energy from building up in my mind and then in my groin. I pray that I accept myself and love myself despite my addiction."



I am writing this as a promise to those reading this, that I will do the best I can with this, and report back on how I'm doing.

I thank each of you, who I have never met and who also struggle yourselves. Your healing in your own life goes way beyond yourself!

- Tryingagain

[Crisodian]

Welcome to TTF, TryingAgain.

You've found a great place to get support for yourself. You may also encourage your SO to join here for support as well. I encourage you to read in the Recovery Journals section for suggestions on how to handle triggers, urges and plans for moving forward. I also suggest reading in the Partners Forum to understand what PA does to SOs.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[xtor876]

Tryingagain,

I'm there with you brother. I myself am 25 years old and married to yet another wonderful woman.

I will pray for you. Pray for me as well.

xtor876

[maggie]

Trying Again and Xtor.

You will succeed. But, as you see, pa in addition to it being a very insidious and controlling addiction, is also as convenient as the comfort of your home. No getting up and searching for drugs or standing in line at the liquor store, no money exchanges or cash required. No one sees you make the purchase.

Control of self, control of one's mind and thoughts and actions is key.
Who do you want to control your mind and your choices. You or a marketing ploy that has been highly successful.

[Benedict]

Trying again,
Love your plan. I am going to borrow some of it and use it. Some of the things you listed to say to yourself really resonated with me. Delay in spiritual growth...mine has been on hold for several years as all my time and energy has been sucked into PA. The risk that you will slip into more harmful behaviours. I too have limited myself to watching and downloading pictures and videos. but have found a creeping extremeness in what I am looking at, and some fantasies about going further and seeking out real life interactions. And finally, your reference to preventing the energies building up in mind and groin resonated with something else I read today. Sexual energy is sparked by any number of triggers. For the PA, it goes straight to the mind (FANTASIES) and/or to the groin (sex, MB). Most people can't cut off sexual energies (and its probably not good to try to repress them). rather this author suggested to become aware of the circulating sexual energy and keep it circulating to invigorate the whole body-mind rather than letting it settle only in the two poles of the mind and groin. And then use the energy, not to act out sexually, unless you have an appropriate willing partner, but rather to fuel acts of creativity, generosity, giving, etc.

Hope all is going well, Benedict.