Need support... been quitting for a while.

[xtor876]

Hey all.

I'm glad to find this group of support. I started looking at P when I was much younger... probably 8th or 9th grade. I'm now 25 years old, so I've been struggling with P for a little over 10 years now.

I'm not sure how much I buy my poor decisions being an "addiction" but it's kind of semantics when you can't seem to stop making the same stupid decision over and over, right? So while I struggle with how exactly this thing has a grip on me, it definitely does.

I have been making "progress" in recovery for a while now. About a year ago I told my wife about it, and before that I had been slowly disclosing this to other trust-worthy family members and people in my life. My wife took it very hard. We went to counseling for a while, and she's healing.

Unfortunately I am not... or not like I would like to be. I've told many people (and my perfectionistic self) that I didn't dig this hole overnight, and likely (except by a miracle... which I've prayed often for) I won't climb out of it overnight. I continue to relapse, mainly out of despair that I might as well, because I'll never be free of it. That's the rationalization that keeps me from being free of it TODAY.

*Sigh* So, every time I act out, I'm building more secrets between me and my wife. She loves me loyally and deeply, but she has said that if I stayed in this and never moved into sustained recovery, then she'll have to leave. It just hurts her too much.

Anyway, I'm glad to find you here. I would appreciate all the support, encouragement, prayer, and guidance you can give me.

December 7, 2009 is my sobriety date.

[Crisodian]

xtor,
Welcome to TTF. You've come to a great place to find support. This would also be a great place for your wife to come for support for her as well.

There is a lot of useful wisdom shared in the Recovery Journals section to help all PAs begin their journey and find a path to recovery. There are some really great resources there, especially in the journal's section. I encourage you to visit and read the stories shared here.

For your wife, the Partner's Forum holds a lot of information to help her heal and move forward while you are working on your recovery together.

I am the SO of a PA. I would suggest, and this is simply my opinion, that you need to start your journey with complete, open honesty with your SO so she understands the struggles you are having and can find healing for herself as well.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[cyberpunk]

xtor,

Welcome to TTF. When I read your post I thought of the 12 steps of AA, the first three steps of AA are

1.) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable. 2.) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

A few years ago I realized I was an addict, and I believed in God and that I have a personal Saviour. Steps 1, 2, and 3 were really easy, except I didn't really do them.

Admitting I had an addiction wasn't the same as saying I was powerless over it. Believing in God didn't mean that I believed he could restore me to sanity or that I was willing to turn my life over to him.

I am always perplexed when people say "I don't think I am an addict but I can't stop." I can't decide if they are worried about the stigma of addiction or that they still think they can beat it with enough willpower. Either of those answers shows that they haven't worked through the first three steps.

I could keep going but I would be preaching and I have no room to preach. I currently only have 5 days of sobriety but I have recently had some profound eye opening experiences that have made me see my recovery in a different light.

I would suggest that you start a journal and participate on the site and that you also start working the 12 steps for yourself. Install some internet filtering software and give your wife the password, find a counselor or 12 step group in your area and start going. I know these are difficult things that are embarrassing and shameful (at first) but pride is enmity between man and God and will prevent you from recovering. Good luck on your journey.

[xtor876]

Well, it's been a week since I posted, and I've stumbled 3 times since then. At one point this might have been encouraging for me, as in the deepest darkest parts of this I was looking at P and Ming 2-3 times a day. It's really frustrating, though, because I've been at once every 2-3 days for a while now.

Out of curiosity, what has been the experience of those who have entered sustained recovery? Is there a threshold that one crosses that makes things easier? My counselor told me about neuro-pathways in your brain which have gotten deeper and deeper... is there a breaking point where cravings lose some power?

December 14, 2009 is my sobriety date.

[maggie]

Good questions all around.

This is a fairly new " recognized " condition, so there isn't a lot of professional expertise. It would be helpful if the experienced posters gave a few indications of time involved, frequency of usage, urges and gaining control to limit use. I know everyone's is different but a baseline of what you have seen.

[xtor876]

Ok. Three full days is about as good a running start as I manage right now. And it's been that. Full 72 hours. And empathize with Benedict's comments on another post about energy settling in either the groin (P/MB) or mind (fantasy). (And I think stunted spiritual growth is also spot on.)

So, I'm battling temptation now. Not overwhelming yet, just there. I always rationalize and literally say something to myself along the lines of "I'll quit later if I want... I just don't want to right now." I long to try the reverse: "I'll come back to porn later... if I really want to... for now, I'm quitting."

I would still love to hear from anyone about thresholds or breakthrough points? Is there a point (2 weeks, 30 days, 60 days?) that temptation becomes easier? Where good, recently built habits can stand a little more firmly against the terrible, entrenched habits?

December 14, 2009 is my sobriety date.

[Benedict]

I spent maybe the last 6 or 7 years without ever going more than 3 days (despite many attempts, involving vows to go cold turkey and ditching the stash). I'm now on day 9 for the second time, hoping to find out soon whether the urges die down. Tonight they have been persistent. Like a very strong low grade fidgeting feeling in my body particularly groin.And little voices in my brain saying> hey, why not just spend 5 minutes and relieve that feeling. No need to get back into compulsive viewing, just take a few minutes. And in the past I would have done that without much resistance. So I have the same question... no doubt it is different for everyone, but is there a common experience that the urges diminish, say after a couple of weeks, a couple of months?

I think for me the difference this time is that I really did sit down and think hard about why I wanted to quit PA and the pros and cons of keeping going with PA. Best of luck.