craving

[hast]

I've been really tempted to read S stories, lately. It's like. P is appauling to me, now. I've been clean long enough that I'm not even tempted to look at that stuff.

BUT I still crave that rush...that feeling you get when you watch P or when you MB. Last night I actually went to a site I used to go to to read stuff. I read a couple sentences, but stopped myself before I got to anything but introducing the characters. I'm sooooo tempted to go actually read it now, though.

I know that's not technically P, but it's a form of it, at least for me. I am good at convincing myself that it's not P so it's okay, though. I just need to get past this >.<

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

As a non PA, I don't get how its such a rush to watch P or M. But, I accept that its true.

I tell my husband, get a hobby. Seriously, isn't there more to life than your genitals? It sounds harsh, but its true.

Imagine 50 years from now when you look back on your life. Do you really think the highlights will be the times you spent alone, looking at P and MB? If so, don't you think that would be a disappointing life? There's nothing wrong with wanting excitement in your life, but its healthier to seek excitement in LIFE, and not a fantasy. From reading your posts, you are starting to see this.

Good for you for not giving in. You recognized that you were rationalizing reading the S stories, and you stopped. As you continue on your path, maybe you will find a healthier way to get the rush you crave.

Good luck on your journey.

[FoolishMind]

Hey Hast, Firstly I applaud the fact that you actually interrupted yourself from diving into the 'P' Pit, which can sometimes feel like quicksand!

Your at your initial stages where your previous usual behaviour is getting withdrawals and you will feel pangs and craving more so than usual. Its innevitable. But as WoNLM rightly states you need to fill the void. As if you do not, it is innevitable that you will push yourself to a dangerous close edge and eventually peering over wont fulfil you and you will fall.

Your mind can easily play tricks with you and you can convince yourself so easily that what your looking at or reading is not P.

Keep it simple, be true to yourself, you know what is right and wrong, and you know if reading provovative texts will natrually lead you on to watching something graphic.

But seriously well done for coming on this site to explain and be honest about it. Keep breaking the cycle of your previous habits and you will succeed and control this.

FM

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

hast-

What foolishmind said about coming here and being honest about pushing your limits is very true. Honesty with yourself is the first step to breaking the addiction. When you lie to yourself, its so much easier to lie to others.

Good job on catching yourself and for your honest self-assessment.

Good luck on your journey.

[artguy34]

hast,

WONLM, and FM had said it pretty well, so I dont need to reiterate. Keep fighting the battle and never give in.

Good work, and be proud for your strength!

[hast]

Thanks, guys.
The other day I read something Daniel wrote in his journal about "skating on the edge", and that's exactly what I've been doing, lately. Well I don't mean that to sounds like I skate all the time, but that's kind of what I do instead of relapsing, now. It's bad and good at the same time. Bad because if I continue, I won't be able to beat this. It's good, though, because that's as low as it gets, these days. When I give in, now, that's as far as it goes...a couple of sentences I shouldn't read. Now that's what I call progress!

I'm going to try hard not to give in to that stuff again, but I'm glad all the same that that's as far as it went.

oh, and lately I've been using youtube to replace the addiction lol
I'll be needing a better hobby than that, but it's helping for now

[FoolishMind]

Well your taking really positive steps Hast, and clearly you are being aware of where your "skating"!

I personally would be weary of the site that you mention, as that has previously been a trigger for me. Of course there is some great content that can be informative and comical, but alas there is also some very provocative stuff on there too that really can be a trigger that leads you somewhere else.

Some may disagree and perhaps I am not as strong as some, but keeping the "skating analogy alive, remember your on thin blades, and it takes strength and endurance to maintain balance, Personally I would prefer to wear good solid shoes and stand my ground firmly!

Food for thought perhaps...

FM

[Rowlf]

Hey Hast,

Good work on recognising the danger there. I was hooked on S stories for ages. Always thought they weren't as bad as pictures, but actually they just prolonged the whole habit and kept it going. Steer clear!! If you're like me they're triggering the same stuff in the brain.

I'm also like FM. All video sites are protected behind K9 - I feel a lot safer now :-)

It's great that you turn away after a couple of sentences, but I would really recommend not visiting those sites....

Good luck and have a clean day today!

[hast]

last night a series of unfortunate events led to me being up really really late, and I let myself go back to that site. I barely remembered it at all, this morning, and I had to convince myself it was real...I was pretty much asleep while it happened. I usually turn the internet and computer off after 12:30 (or if I'm talking to somone on the internet, I turn it off after I'm done talking), and I didn't do that, last night. I'm going to remember to do it a lot better, now.

I think I'm gonna have to have a whole seperate sober count for these things. I didn't relapse into the P and MB, but I feel that this is a new addiction that's trying to take place of those. So here's day one of my sobriety from this stuff.

[BobinVT]

Chin up Hast, each day is a new opportunity to begin again!