craving

[FoolishMind]

Come on Hast, While I am happy to swish the flag for you and give you two up and a pat on the back and say dont worry mate, clink clink cheers heres to day 1 again. I simply couldnt do that. Why? Because I would not be telling you the truth, as you are not being honest with yourself.

Simple Facts...

• It is not day one again
• It is 56 days since you joined TTF
• You are finding new indirect ways to get a hit
• these ways lead you to P

You are not doing anything wrong Hast, this is normal, these are withdrawal syptoms, the Jekyll side is trying to gets its fix its as simple as that! - But your stronger than this, and you know if you put a filter on, You wont be able to feed this other side of you. But for some reason right now, You chose not to block the paths that you know and have been advised about.

So the way I see it is you have 2 options:-

1) Decide there is nothing wrong with P, and continue
2) Be honest, and realise why you first joined TTF, and use the tools, tips and advice you have to really help yourself, Mark my words, you follow the strategy to a T, and within 2 weeks, YES " WEEKS, you will see a difference.

Thats a challenge sir... Are you willing to take it?

FM

[buckeye87]

Hast,
Maybe it's different for you, but if I read those stories for long enough, I find myself wanting to see it portrayed, and I look for whatever it is I'm reading presented visually...which is exactly what's been haunting me. Gordon B. Hinckley explained it like this:
"Over the years I have traveled to Asia many times. In the early sixties I had reason to visit the island of Okinawa frequently during a time when there were American servicemen stationed there in large numbers. Some of them had cars, many of which were badly rusted. There were holes in the fenders and in the side panels. Whatever paint was left was dull. All of this was the result of corrosive ocean salt in the air that ate through the metal. That is the way P is. This sleazy filth is like corrosive salt. It will eat through your armor if you expose yourself to it. It will corrode your morals, your values, and your sense of self-worth....many a man (and woman) has come to realize that the booby-trapped jungle trail he has followed began with reading or viewing P."
Reading P is mentioned right beside viewing it, and I would give just as much care to avoiding both written P and pictures and videos. That's just my two cents on the subject, but you already know how you feel when you read stuff like that. Just make sure you're resolved to stay away from it. I'm working on it too.
David

[hast]

Foolishmind:
I know what you mean. I ought to get a blocker. I know that. It's just...I want to be able to fight it without the blocker. I want to be able to stop myself and not need to depend on that. I know that might seem foolish, but I also know that I'm stong enough to do it. I quit for 2 years after my first bout with P, and I know I have that strength within me to stay away. I want to be strong enough by myself. If I need that crutch, what happens when I end up in a situation with a computer without it? I haven't really learned to stay away from it if I need the blocker. I need to be able to block it mentally.

buckeye:
yes, I know. It actually seems a little worse than P, to me, because some of the things you run into on that site have the added relationship thing that makes it worse than nameless bodies, if you know what I mean. I'm going to keep a sober count for it, for sure. That stuff is awful.

[cyberpunk]

hast,

I say this with love but it may be tough to hear. You can't beat it. You don't have the strength to stay away. Being an addict does not make you bad or unworthy. It means that you have an illness and only God can heal this. Until you recognize that you are powerless over your addiction you are preventing him from healing you.

I just posted in buckeye's journal but the exact same thing applies here.

http://www.throughtheflame.org/forum/recovery-journals/2048-first-entry.html#post25377

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

hast-

Think of it like if this was alcohol, cigarretes or drugs. Would you keep them in your house if you were trying to beat your addiction? No, you would steer clear. Eventually, you might be able to be around it and not indulge, but that would be because you figured out the tools, your mental will power tools, to fight the temptation. Until the mindset changes, the actual barriers are the bestthing to help you win the fight.

If you don't want to put blockers on your computer, is it because part of you wants a window, just in case you don't care to fight that day?

Good luck on your journey.

[hast]

Okay. I've been doing some soul-searching, and I posted the results in my journal. I'll quote it here:

24 Days

which also means 4 days without the stories.

I had a REALLY hard time, yesterday. The ironic thing? I'll explain. In a different post, I said I don't want to get a blocker on my computer because I want to be able to stay strong when I'm put in a situation without a blocker. (what happens when I get a new computer and it doesn't have a blocker, yet? That's exactly what just happened. That's what sent me into the relapse that brought me here in the first place. I need to be able to stay strong without that crutch.) Someone responded and said that I need to get one and that I need to accept that I have no power over my addiction and need that help.

I was upset by that. I know that in the 12 steps, you're supposed to admit that you have no power over your addiction, and that's supposed to help you, but the thing is...I do have power over it. Sure, I can't pull myself out alone...that's why I pray to God for strength and help, why I talk to you guys and my best friend about it. I know that. I know that I cannot do this alone. But I DO have power over it. When an urge hits, I'm not just gonna go "oh no, I have no power over this, God, I hope you help me get out of this", I'm gonna fight it as hard as possible and meet God in the middle. I need to do my part of this, or I will not get anywhere. I do have power over it. Not complete control, but I do have a lot of control. I am sticking with that belief, no matter what anyone says, because that is what worked for me when I was clean the first time, and that is what has been working for me now.

The thing that made yesterday hard for me? I decided I should consider the whole "you have no power over your addiction" thing, because hey, that's what the 12 steps say, right? And it's not like I know everything about quitting. So I was considering it. It really upset me. And because I was telling myself "you have no power over your addiction", I began to believe it. So there I was, about to give in. If I have no power, then what the heck am I supposed to do when the urge hits? I decided that was the wrong way of thinking, at least for me. I do have power. When I decided that, I went right to cooking. I made pancakes for my lunch, I made banana bread, and I made a tuna melt for dinner. As soon as I decided that I have power over it, I took control and got out of a bad situation.

If I "admit" defeat, faliure will find me. If I know that I do have power and I can make it, not just alone, but that with the help of this place and my friend and God I can make it, I WILL make it. I AM making it.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

hast-

My husband stuggles with the "I have no power" thing too. He, like you says, what's the point if I have no control?

I don't think the 12 steps or whatever are saying you have no control, period. I think its saying two things.
1. You have not exhibited control over this, therefore it is controlling you. You need help to stop, because at this time, your own self-control is weak. You need tools, barriers and support. So, its not, "you have no control, period" , its "You have no control, on your own."

2. From a Christian viewpoint, which the 12 steps and the Celebrate Recovery steps adheres to, we are all sinners, and can't be redeemed without God. On our own, we will never overcome sin, because we need Jesus. So, from the Christian viewpoint, you have no control over your sin, because Jesus is the intercessor and you have to rely on him, mentally and spiritually, for help.

I don' t know if this helps you at all. I am one of the folks who told you you need barriers on your computer while you work to get the new mindset to overcome your addiction. The internet filters are not a crutch, they are a tool. The tools are in place to help you while your will power is weak. Later, when you have worked through all of this, maybe your will power will be enough. But as you have found, right now, will power alone can't stop you.

Good luck on your journey. I am sorry you were angry and struggling with this.