Trying to feel better after a relapse

[hast]

You know, I've learned that if I feel like crap the day after a relapse, it sends me into another relapse. Like I try to escape my feelings of guilt by doing something "pleasureable", then I just feel worse and worse, and get deeper and deeper in the hole.

SO. I'm trying to learn from my mistake I made last night, but not let it get to me. You see, the day before yesterday, I resisted a HUGE urge to go back, and I was so proud! Then yesterday I had NO urges whatsoever. When it was really late, I was like "hey, I should get off the computer and go to bed, so I don't do anything I'll regret in the morning". Then I was like "noooo I don't want go to bed, yet!" and from there, I convinced myself to read some stuff cause "hey, it's not REALLY P, right?!", and then came a little MB.

Then last night I dreamed of both of the guys I like, and in the dream, they were both being really good people....doing stuff for our church. Boy did I wake up feeling like CRAP. How can I ever deserve guys like them if I can't even stop myself from doing stuff like that....especially when I KNEW that would happen. and Then I wanted it to. So it did. I knew what I was doing, this was not a relapse that snuck up. I knew what I was doing.

How can I forgive myself for doing it with such an understanding of what was happening? How can I forgive myself for knowing full well what I was doing, the promises I was breaking, and how I was making myself feel?

I'm not even me when I do this stuff. It's like I'm Dr. Jekyll, and I took that potion, knowing exactly what Mr. Hyde would do.

[yorkie_owner_85]

I hope you make it through this!

[Mefree]

I'm not even me when I do this stuff. It's like I'm Dr. Jekyll, and I took that potion, knowing exactly what Mr. Hyde would do.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. It's the guilt of making the conscious decision to do it, even when you're aware of consequences. But when you make the decision, it's like you're not even the one making it. It's the innate 'beast' inside of you that just wants the rush that comes from looking at P. It has got to be one of the toughest things about quitting.

[Crisodian]

hast,
Recovery is hard. And challenging.

Jekyll and Hyde is a great analogy for addiction. It's so true.

Addiction sucks. :)

But there is light at the end of the tunnel and ... no, it's not the oncoming train. You can do this. Learn from the times you slip and yes, forgive yourself for being human and falling down. Just make sure you get back up stronger and having learned from what tripped you up.

I have confidence and faith in you.

Be strong.
~C~

[buckeye87]

Hast,
I know exactly what you mean about one relapse causing another. It's the strangest thing because you just felt the pain and the guilt, and then you do it again. Some really good advice I've heard is to not spend all your time thinking about NOT looking at P or MB, but to instead focus your energy on DOING something good. It's not enough just to avoid P; you have to spend the time you would have spent with your addiction doing something positive. You need a reason to prefer spending your time elsewhere. There's a really good speech given at BYU that I love about time and how we should spend it. Here's the URL:

Child of Promise - Henry B. Eyring

Good luck with your efforts to get over this relapse. While you do have to acknowledge that you stumbled, don't let it kill your desire to keep trying.
David

[gnein]

I know the feeling very well, although for me the urge to "follow" the relapse usually lasts two days. You just have to bite the bullet and know that the urge will pass in time. This gets easier after you've done it a few times. It's also important to identify the times you struggle, and put measures in place to deal with them. I read from your post here that you have trouble when you get on the computer, maybe you could make TTF your home page.

Also, if it's night and you're not ready for bed, you could try doing some household chores. That's not only likely to kill any P-related urges you might have, but it also means you've got something done that you won't have to do later, and frees up time to do other things tomorrow.

[lightseeker]

hey hast,

I remember writing almost the same post as this in my journal, we do know whats happening and relapses happen like that, its an addiction that we are trying to beat so these thoughts are normal, at least now we know that we shouldnt be doing it even if we loose control, its time to worry when we stop caring or feeling that theres nothing wrong with what we are doing or having no regrets. Yeh for me too a relapse has led to another, binges for me usually last 2 or 3 sessions before my next abstinence probably because theres nothing left in my tank after that and i am physically exhausted./:)

The Jekyl and hide theory is a common statement for many PA's.

Relapses happen, dont beat yourself up too much, learn from your mistakes and try to figure out what you could have done to prevent it next time!

[Mefree]

I'll take your post to heart, LS, but I don't think it would concern me so much were I on day 49! ;)

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I need to look at the date of the post before I start reading and worrying. I saw hast's post and I was like.... noooooooooooo..... where did a relapse come from? But then I saw it was dated Nov, not Jan!

I am so glad hast isn't posting about a relapse after all the progress she made and was so happy with.

[lightseeker]

Sorry for the scare WONLM,

i guess i didnt really think about that either, that was a while ago now, so my comments are a little lateX_X

Wow keep up the good work Mefree!