torture.

[hast]

I don't care, right now. I don't care about my religious beliefs, I don't care about my promises to myself and to those that support me. I don't care how I'll feel tomorrow, and I don't care that I will have failed again. I want to relapse right now, and I don't care about any of that. I just don't.

BUT
I do care a little still, I guess. I think it's just that I know that if I don't relapse today, I am 90% there. If I can resist these IMMENSE urges today, there is so much hope! I'm trying so hard. I can't believe I'm even here. I can't believe I've even kept myself from picturing things I've already seen. I've never not relapsed when the temptation was this strong. I've already made it so much farther than before, just in the last few minutes!

I can't believe I'm actually resisting! Please, PLEASE let me stay the course. Please let me resist![-O<

[Crisodian]

You can do this. Walk away from the computer if you have to. Cold shower. Take a jog. Clean your bathroom (someone else suggested that one) ...Anything you need to do.

You can beat this thing.

~C~

[hast]

Clean your bathroom (someone else suggested that one)

That was me that suggested that haha

I went to my church's youtube account and watched some uplifting videos. The urge is not completely gone, I'll have to keep close watch over it all day, but it is considerably duller.

I feel so accomplished, already! Never have I EVER denied an urge like that. I have such a special place in my heart for this place...I know if I had not come here to talk about it, I would have been long gone by now. Thank you for always being here, Crisodian, and thank God for inspiring who ever came up with this site.

[Crisodian]

I remembered about the bathroom ;) That was my way of being silly and reminding you what you yourself had once suggested :P

Good for you!!!! I'm glad you found an alternative to giving in. If the suggestions didn't work, I could share horror stories of being stuck at home with 2 children sick with the flu... that should wipe out any remaining urge...lol I'm not sure there is more out there un-S'ier than flu clean up....

Keep going strong.
~C~

[BobinVT]

Good for you Hast!! Hang tough!

[hast]

Thanks, guys! After my last reply, I turned off the wifi, logged out of the computer, turned it off, and went downstairs. It did wonders to watch those religious videos first!

I have resisted this far, and the urge is no longer there, right now. I dare say I passed a HUGE milestone, today! Although I did lose the self-control on the cookies ;) lol
Oh well, I had to have every ounce of self-control focused on the P and MB problem, I'm okay if I ate a few too many cookies! :)

Needless to say, I am very very pleased with my progress thus far! I'm still in disbelief that I stopped myself! Here's hopin' I can continue to use that restraint!

[hast]

I remembered about the bathroom ;) That was my way of being silly and reminding you what you yourself had once suggested :P

haha thanks, it really does help to remember advice I've given others. It reminds me that I am not the person I become when tempted. I don't have to act like that person!

[Crisodian]

I'm glad you were able to stay strong. What a great success for you!!

You give good advice. (the bathroom...lol) You need to listen to yourself. I have the same problem. I tend to give great advice to others and ignore my own when I need it.

Keep moving forward. You're doing a great job.

Be strong.
~C~

[hast]

I hear ya, C!
I give people good advice all the time...then I'm baffled when they don't listen to me, and I end up being right.
Then I ignore my own advice haha

oh what a tangled world...

Oh well, I managed to turn the reasoning side of my brain off so that I didn't convince myself to go back to the P, so at least I'm slowly learning, right? lol

[Crisodian]

You're learning quickly :)

Keep going forward. I'm so happy for you were able to keep composure during a really tough urge. That's very impressive. Great job!

You made it through one more day. On to the next!

Be strong.
~C~