Why do I want it so bad, still?!

[hast]

I've overcome my addiction several times in my life...for anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of years. Every time, I had slipped back into P, kept going until I got to the sickest stuff, and then would find the motivation to stop based on the disgust I felt towards what I was doing.

I guess that's why this time is different. Oh, I viewed some pretty disturbing stuff, this time...but I've reached the point where it hardly bothers me anymore...which has actually given me even more determination to stop than ever before. I came here one night after a P session. I wasn't ready to quit yet, I didn't want to quit yet, but I knew that if I didn't start getting help, I may never have gotten out of that Hell hole.

So, because I'm working off of religion and my own will power, and not the fear that my parents will find out or anything like that, it's harder than ever. I think it will be more lasting, but it's hard to stop myself from reasoning to myself that it's okay. Hard to stop myself from re-playing the stuff I've already stored in my mind...trying not to convince myself it's not looking at P if it's already in my mind.

arg it's just so hard to quit when my body and mind still yearn for it daily >.<