Facing up to my problem

[Eugene]

Hi everyone,

Well, since 2002 p has been a huge part of my life. Before then I looked at the odd magazine, and I'd watch a skin movie or two once in a while. I also remember buying an 1 year adult channel card, but that was about it. I was never addicted at that time. To be honest I dont know If Im addicted even now since I've never actually made an attempt to stop it.
Anyway since 2002 (when I first came online) I have spent so many hours looking at p and mb that It would be mindboggling to add up the amount of hours. To be honest before this year I've never really thought about all the time I was spending on it.

I think circumstances have also led to the time I've spent looking at p. I've had a disabilty of sorts in the past years which has allowed me practically unlimited time to actually view it. As I said the amount of hours accumulated would be mindboggling, and Im totally embarrassed about it now. Im not blaming the Internet, I blame myself, but I wonder how many of the people on this forum would have ever had a problem if the internet hadnt been invented, or if they had been born in another era.

Anyway, im awake to the problem, and Im gonna try to do something about it. I thought I might keep my p collection, and just go back once in a while to view it, but I think I'll always associate it with this time, so I think I'll give myself a clean slate, and delete it, even though It might be emotional for me to do it given all the time I spent accumulating it.

I'm scared that in a few weeks or months It's gonna truly hit me how much time I've actually wasted on this, and that when I look back to these years in the distant future that my memories of this period are going to be of p and mb.

[jd0123]

welcome!

since u never tried to quit and therefore never have failed, i can see how its hard to know if u have a problem or not. i think you should delete the porn collection and do all u can to not use porn, and see if u find yourself collecting again. if u are again spending huge amount of time saving porn on your computer after posting here and deleting it, its probably safe to say its a problem.

i know i deleted a lot intending to quit and always failed. i remember regretting deleting the porn when i was recollecting. probably a saner thought would have been acknowledging the failure of quitting porn and taking steps to stay clean. but i wasnt thinking sanely at the time.

anyways good luck

[lightseeker]

Hey welcome Eugene>:D<,
yeh i know how you feel, many hours wasted, but dont dwell on what you lost, use that as a motivation to help you stop, look to the future and what you can do to change now. I would say get rid of any temptations. Knowing if you are addicted will come when you try to abstain for a while. But if you have been using porn frequently since 2002 and spending hours looking at it then this is not a good sign. I think you may feel the same as i did when i joined, you are concerned with your situation but you dont really understand what is going on with you or what it all means, (i still dont either but i am learning), and that is what you need to do - start reading other journals and posts and start learning about porn addiction.
When you first come to realise that you might have a problem, it is very confusing, you feel alone and it is interfering with your life, because we have been looking at and have accepted porn since we were young we are totally unaware that we are becoming addicted and reliant on it. Theres a lot of support here so make use of it and take one day at a time! I wish you the best!

[gnein]

A couple of points here:

1. Get rid of the P. Don't think about it, just do it. You might regret it later, as others have done, but those feelings will pass. If you don't get rid of it, the temptation to look at it "just this once" will always be there.

2. Take your recovery one day at a time. Just concentrate on getting through today without a relapse. You can't deal with tomorrow until it's actually here, and the same goes for next week. It's like sands passing through an hourglass, you can only deal with one at a time without breaking the mechanism. If you start thinking about going a month without P before you've been clean for a day, it will seem too daunting, yet if you take it one day at a time, you'll hit the milestones.

3. Don't beat yourself up too much if you relapse. If you make a start, but slip up after a few days, stay positive. You still made it a few days, and that's something you wouldn't have achieved without making the attempt. Remember, every clean day is a step forward, even if it's two steps forward and one backward at times, stick at it.

4. Good luck.