Long Hard Road Out of Hell, My Journal

[artguy34]

Post #1
Today is a good day to start my journal...

Over the last week I have learned that I am an addict. Not only an addict, I reflected on my life and realized that I have been an addict since I was 9 yrs old. Well... that was the first time I saw a nudie mag.

I never realized what this has done to my life until my wife confronted me. Isnt that always the case? We never realize anything until we are about to lose the things we love the most? Sad really, but I must be positive. What are my positives? Well my wife has given me the chance at redemption (again) and this time... I cant mess it up. No more mulligans, no more second chances, this is it.

So she led me to this site where I have gotten a reality check in my life. Furthermore, the books I have mentioned in other posts so far and counseling. We have also begun talking rationally every night now about my addiction and trying to understand both sides for each other. This is the path of healing I hope will bring us together again as a true couple and not some drones living cohesively.

I am on day #7 of sobriety and I have no inclinations for P or MB right now. But truth be told, my head is in a cloud of emotions from what I have done to my wife and the possibility of losing my children that it seems foreign. However I am not ignorant enough to think that this will last forever. Demons show their ugly faces when we are weak, and THAT is why I am searching for my tools to fight as well as finding what my triggers are.

Today was my first day in counseling. It went well, an overview of what my wife and I had discussed over the past 5 days. However my therapist felt that I needed an addiction specialist. Ok, I can respect that, so the hunt continues. But my wife is also looking for herself. She needs to get back what I stole from her mentally as well. I respect that in her so much. I feel that she is not only there to support me in my efforts, but she is walking with me side by side so we both can heal.

That is one of the things I never realized when I first broke her heart 2 years ago. I never saw the complete damage I did to her. Sure I saw the pain on the outside, but never realized how deep the damage was on the inside. My selfish ways took root a year later when I used all excuses for my addiction.

I dont deserve this chance she is giving me, but I feel better this time facing my demon instead of denying I even have an issue.

In just one week I feel we have taken good steps.

- We're talking about our issues of the past.
- We're trying to seek professional counseling.
- We're using resources available to us as tools.
- We're finding others here with similar issues we can relate to.

But most of all... we are working together at this. And in the future when I look back to today and read my journal, I want to see this day as a new beginning and not count the days I have been sober, but count the months I am sober.

[dave42]

yes, working together seems to be the best part of all. This is fantastic! Congratulations, ArtGuy! Good luck with your journey. Looking forward to reading many more entries in this journal.

I loved this phrase, too: "as a true couple and not some drones living cohesively." Yes, you want to be a couple, a real couple. I think that that is a great goal!

[Crisodian]

Thank you for opening up and sharing. I think it will do us both some good as we progress forward in this journey to understand where each other's minds are at in this whole process.

My mind still rides the roller coaster of emotions most days, but seeing that you are truly committed to healing you AND us this time, I am hopeful that we can move forward through this and come out the other side stronger and, as you said, a real couple.

I'm glad you have accepted the responsibility for your actions. It hurt when you tried to use me as an excuse for this. You've admitted that mistake and yet my mind still courts that fear. And that demon, I have to face myself.

We've always made a good team. We balance each other and I draw on that strength to move us forward through this.

Be strong. I know we can beat this together.

~C~

[artguy34]

If ever there were words of encouragement... those were it. Thank you my dear, this means the world to me. ^:)^

And thank you for your help, support and the willingness to talk with me as we have.

[artguy34]

Well my second entry and I have to say, I have finally come to my first struggle. Small as it may be, I still feel a small battle won is an accomplishment.

So Sunday night, my wife goes to bed with me watching the remainder of the football game by myself. "Alone" and feeling ok. However I start to feel my hand go over the remote control and by habit, I want to start looking for Cinemax or HBO soft core. Not even making a conscious decision, it was as if I was programed. Well that is years of habitual MB taking over. Well glad to say that I denied my senses and finished watching the game and went to bed shortly after my wife did.

Then I thought, "wow, I won my first victory!" Then I quickly thought, "gee, what a schmuck" to think that I should be happy at something small like this as a "victory". Puts more perspective on how bad my addiction to MB really is. But for now, I'll take it.

Last night, a good night for both me and my wife. Not only did I go seek counseling, but both she and I looked up counselors together to find someone who specializes in PA and sexual addiction. We also talked briefly about her needs to find counseling for what I have done to her. But the important thing was... we did it together. We talked about it openly. That is a significant step in the right direction. Chalk it up as a victory? Sure why not, because to me it really felt good to see her involved with this as much as I am. Do I deserve it? No, I dont, but I am damn grateful, and thank my lucky stars that we are in this together.

Ok, so a little later we spend some quiet time alone, watching TV, cleaning up, then trying to convince a very opinionated 3+ year old that he needs to go to bed. And after I finish cleaning, I sit down to watch football again. Brett Favre? meh, this is nausiating to see him this happy. But again, I sit alone for a little bit watching football and then realizing I am alone again and my mind starts to wander. Thinking about what soft-core may be on right then. As I scroll through the menu, I see of all things... Jon & Kate Plus 8. Ok so we used to watch this show when it began some years ago and I watch and see how two people who were in love, now totally living separate lives. (After having 8 kids no doubt) And I think to myself... Is this how I want to live my life? WTF? Do I want to be like this? Duh... hell no! So I put the game back on and realize that it was indeed a boring game so I think it best I go on upstairs and go to bed.

A Victory? yep, I'll take as many as I can get now. However as I get into bed, I realize a familiarity to it. (Me getting into bed later than my wife?) Hmmm felt like it did when I was using P. Damn that made me feel guilty. Victory doesnt feel so good anymore. But that guilt is what is making me realize what I almost lost... and still can lose if I dont fight. Sure I went to bed shortly after she did, but still... that sense of familiarity sank in and it hurt. As it should hurt!

But for now... I have won several small battles and gained some tools for fighting my PA.

[artguy34]

So I wake up in the morning, I feel a little better about myself and where things are starting to head. But by no means are we close to fixing my issues. But at least great strides are being taken.

So my wife leaves for work and kisses me goodbye. I feel better already. As I walk through the quiet house, I realize the kids are asleep, and Im alone... again. No computer cause she locked me out. (A good thing to which I totally agree to!) But now my mind seeks a familiar ritual. Again not even thinking about it, I want to turn on the TV and find something to look at. But then I consciously see what is going on. My habits are leaking out. So as I go wander around, I find my PA book I am trying to finish and I find a quiet place to read.

I have mentioned this previously but I will say this again. Try reading this book: The Porn Trap, by Wendy Maltz.

Anyway... I begin reading again and it just so happens I am reading the section about the SO's reactions and what they are going through with PA spouses. (Perfect Timing) Cause that sobered me up. Reading about the wives (mostly) reaction to finding out their husbands addictions and the pain they endure really helped me out.

VICTORY! for me. In reading I found a tool or weapon per se in fighting my MB habit and staying sober. Reading these womens stories is heartbreaking as well as storing the look on my wife's face in my head when I see the pain she endures daily because of what I have done with my addictions.

So as the children wake up, I get into my routine of getting everyone ready and I head to work. No giving in to my addiction, and feeling better about myself. Yea, another victory. As I see it, all these little victories add up and I do feel good about that.

Even more so... I feel better because I talked to my wife about these events this morning and we had a good civil discussion. You wanna talk about victories? Being able to talk to my wife openly about this and having her thank me for it, meant more to me than anything else.

Thank you honey for not giving up on me!

[Pandora's Hope]

Congratulations on the victories, and don't sell yourself short! Sometimes it's hard for we SO's to not look back, but it's critical. And when we don't look back, we can appreciate the small victories with you as they happen. There's an old cliche that seems to apply: many small drops will fill a bucket. Enough of those small victories will become a big success!

[Crisodian]

Little or big, all victories are victories. Remember, I'm here for you, supporting you. I'm so proud of you that you have found the strength to battle this addiction and that you are being open and honest to share your struggles as well as victories.

We can do this together.

~C~

[artguy34]

Ahhh another day has gone by and yet another night. What makes this one even better is that I am one more day further from where I started.

Yesterday my wife and I talked openly about several issues. Intimacy was one of them. I cant express how good it feels to be open and honest with her like this.

Fear is what drives us into the hiding, and lying and despair over being caught. But I am seeing now that opening up is really starting to heal some of the wounds I have inflicted.

As anyone knows who is reading this, change doesnt happen overnight. This will take months, and probably years to get back what I squandered in our relationship. But this path just feels right. It feels good to finally come clean and get the help I needed for so long.

These talks have been productive and without the willingness of my wife to help me and work with me, no progress would have been made. This is truly a joint effort, and now that I am on the right track, my wife will soon be seeking help for herself and I will be there with her every step of the way. We CAN do this together and we do make a great team!

Today, I have no desires to view P, and no desires for MB. And it feels good.

Today is one of the "good" days, so I am going to celebrate it and share my thoughts with my wife tonight. Tomorrow is another day, which means another chance for a "good" day.

[dave]

Just wanted to encourage you. It takes real courage to be willing to make a thorough change. I an in my second year clean and it has been a great life change.

I could identify with many elements of your story. Hang in there. With time you will be able to shift from 'quitting' to 'recovery'.

Dave