Dealing with the Justified Tirades

[statler]

Hey everybody,
I'm 31 days clean. But right now I'm trying to get better at dealing with the tirades that I know I deserve. My wife is usually really supportive, but occasionally, like right now as I write this, she cuts loose and just bellows and says the most hurtful, nasty things and screams and screams. I know I deserve this, I really do. I try so hard not to get defensive, I even succeed at that for a while, but then I lose it and yell right back. I wish I could stop doing this. I wish she could stop doing this. It feels like we get stuck in this vicious, horrible loop. I don't know what to do. I love her so much, but she really acts like she hates me. Part of me wishes she would just divorce me sometimes. I hope that I can be strong enough to get through this stage.

[statler]

Well, it's the next day and I really should have thought before I posted the previous. I don't how to delete it, but maybe it's a lesson for everybody else here. I was whining as if I'm the victim here. And of course my loving wife is the victim, not me. Although I actually felt the way I wrote, at the moment I wrote it, it was just an emotional snapshot in time. We did stop yelling at each other and spoke to each other rationally and calmly about our feelings.

Maybe the other addicts here can relate to this. I love this forum for the support it gives all of us: addicts and SO's. Guys, when your SO loses it, it really is something that you have to absorb and understand to the best of your ability, because we all have it coming. We've taken those we love and ground them up beneath the wheels of our addiction. Obviously, step one is to stop doing that. But I think step two (this one is so hard, I know) is to acknowledge the damage we've done and let our SO's express themselves in the ways that are most effective for them, not us.

We're the addicts. We're the perpetrators. The ones who love us are the victims, end of story.

SO's out there, express yourselves in the ways you need to, just try to have a little patience for the addict who loves you. If your addict really does love you, he'll come around and step away from his defensive position and eventually really hear you. I'm sure it takes longer for some than others, though. I'm 32 days clean and I still suck at this most of the time. But I AM getting better, slowly. And that's something I can sink my teeth into, and be proud of.

[dave42]

Hey, Statler, interesting couple of posts. I guess I'm too tired to write anything very profound, but I appreciate your honesty and your nuanced analysis. Question: do you have a strategy for dealing with the next argument? I think that is key. There will always be disagreements, even having nothing to do with p, but how do you plan to cope with it next time.

I got in a HUGE fight with my partner about 2 months ago, and it did some damage to our relationship. I think that the next time I am angry (I've discussed this plan with my partner, who thinks it's a good idea), I'm going to say, "I'm sorry, but I can't talk anymore because I'm afraid I'll say something damaging. I'm going to go upstairs (into the bedroom, whatever)" and then I plan to leave and close a door gently and just be alone for a long time to calm down. Later, we can talk when we are both calmer. I haven't tried it yet, so no idea if it's realistic. I think the trick will be getting out early enough.

Good luck. Hey, and congratulations on your 32 days!!!

[statler]

Thanks, Dave. I like your prospective method for dealing with disagreements. I'm gonna try that one myself, or something similar. Thanks for the congrats. 33 days now! I hope you're doing well.

[Kaysa]

Hi Statler!

*Raises hand* Im guilty of arguing with my fiancee 100%. I say horrible things, and scream, yell, shout...and occasionally throw something. (Im preggers too so ughh)

When we do that, its because were thinking on the past. That raw anger we felt comes back and revitalizes. Something, rather its what we see, hear, or simply just randomly think up triggers it and well...

He knows I love him, so when those moments come, he sits there and takes it because he realizes that yes, he was wrong and yes it will take awhile to heal from that. He also knows that after Im done blowing up, I apologize and explain what happened rationally and why.

Maybe you can ask your wife next time she does that, (in a very very calm manner) what made you feel angry just now, and where did it come from?

Honestly, Dont think walking away will do much good (if anything it will just make us even more angry). Just try to think about it with a rational mind set.

[statler]

Thanks, Kaysa. I like your approach. And I appreciate the SO's and especially the woman's point of view on this. My wife and I talk frequently about the elemental differences between our two species. She really is a spectacular woman and I will do better next time.

[dave42]

33 days! Woo hoo!! Go, Statler!

[statler]

Thanks, Dave! 38 now! I really like the sober me. And, wonder of wonders, my lovely wife likes the sober me, too. Hope all is well with you.

[terawave]

Hello statler,

Your wife is an amazingly strong woman to stand by your side through this, and to convince you to start a journal on TTF.

I never realized how much my husband would need me to help him through this addiction. I read every book I could possibility get my hands on to try to understand this monster, but it still hurts even though I know it was not me and he used it for an escape, an out. It just takes time...we are not where we want to be, but we're not where we use to be!

I read your post concerning the arguments, my husband and I had quite a few also in the early stages. There are so many strong emotions going back and forth, but it does get better. It sounds like you are committed to make that change and move forward in harmony. Every day is a stepping stone to make the right decision, good luck to you...

[artguy34]

*Raises hand* Im guilty of arguing with my fiancee 100%. I say horrible things, and scream, yell, shout...and occasionally throw something. (Im preggers too so ughh)

When we do that, its because were thinking on the past. That raw anger we felt comes back and revitalizes. Something, rather its what we see, hear, or simply just randomly think up triggers it and well...

He knows I love him, so when those moments come, he sits there and takes it because he realizes that yes, he was wrong and yes it will take awhile to heal from that. He also knows that after Im done blowing up, I apologize and explain what happened rationally and why.

The responses I keep seeing are educational to me in ways that I see more people who I can relate to with my addiction. What I am also getting out of this is the "other" side of things to help me understand my wife's pain.

Kaysa, I think you summed it up perfectly. He knows you love him or you wouldn't be here with him. Thats proof positive.

My wife has said some hurtful things to me, but I sit and take it because I deserve it as well. The comments she has made are nothing to the pain I see in her face at times. She needs an outlet for her emotions. But to her credit, she even admits that she has knee jerk reactions and later apologizes for it. As reassuring as it is to hear that, how can I not feel guilty that she is apologizing to me for those comments when all of this is my fault! In addition, both of us having civil conversations about this has helped incredibly. Even though I know she wants to lash out, cry, bean me in the head with a ball-bat, or something, she takes a deep breath and remains calm. This has helped me open up even more.