My admission.

[JMR]

When I was 16 years old, my parents bought our first family computer. Dial up internet. AOL provider. I had never been online, nor did I have much computer experience other than small classes throughout Jr. High and High School. I immediately took to the PC and began exploring the in's and out's of cyberworld. Naturally, as most teen boys do, I almost immediately searched "sex".

I coudln't get enough.

I would come home after school, while my parents were at work, play online games for a while and maybe chat with some friends, but after a while, I headed right for the porn.
It was something that I did almost daily.

After high school, life took over and I kept quite busy through my late teens and early 20's. With no real access to a computer until buy my first ibook when I was 22. I traveled with my job, and ethernet was just up and coming. I had a ethernet connection on the side of my Mac, so connecting to high speed internet in hotel rooms was very easy. Again, I naturally gravitated to the porn. (I say naturally often because, for me, it was natural). I knew I enjoyed a good quick masturbation session before heading to bed as a way to unwind after a busy day of work and travel. And it didnt ever interfere in my personal life or sex life.

When I quit that job and returned to "normal life" (aka-not traveling for work) is when my enjoyment turned into an addiction. I moved in with my aunt who had a brand new PC she bought, but never used. So I set it up in my room along with a high speed internet connection, and a webcam. I began exploring different chat room, groups and porn sites that involved being interactive. I would show off while masturbating, and watch others do the same. It didn't really matter who, as long as they were in the mood. I never showed my face, being that I was always worried about being caught. So I kept it "below the waist".

The addiction moved with me to different apartments and living situations. I would continue to use messengers to webcam with people as a way to satisfy my sexual cravings. By the time I was 26, I began making short videos of myself masturbating and posting them on various adult sites, to share with other men and women interested in "cybering". It was like being close to another person sexually, without having to actually BE with that person. No fear of STD's or disease. Nor was there any feeling of regret when I was finished, because I wasnt techincally "with" that person. It kept my numbers down.

I never thought about it as an addiction until very recently. I found myself accidentally beginning a relationship with a guy that I was extremely drawn to. Someone that knew nothing about the cyberworld. But seemed genuinely interested in all aspects of my life.

I was very honest in the beginning. I told him about the videos, and he was quite receptive. He actually wanted to see them! I thought that was pretty cool. But because of the graphic nature of the videos, I still felt very embarassed to show him. He rides more on the conservative side when it comes to sexuality, as to me who was an obvious exhibitionist. I felt it was okay to tell him about the videos, and I knew that I wanted to take them down (I knew I WANTED to take the steps to stop being a chronic masturbator) but as most addictions are, I couldnt seem to get myself to actually stop. I felt bad after I would webcam. I felt bad knowing that the videos were still up there. So after a few months of dating, he again asked to see them, and I finally obliged. We went on the site together and viewed the videos. After that, he was satisfied, but asked for the videos to be removed. So right in front of him, I cancelled the account.
What he didnt know was that I had pictures posted on various "exhibitionist sites" . He didn't know that I was also STILL webcamming with strangers while our relationship was in an incubation stage.

As time went on, we decided to move in together.
I knew I was walking on very thin ice.

I knew I had to do something to stop my problem, because when living together, and sharing a computer, it's only a matter of time before a program is left unclosed, or the history bar is left uncleared. And that's exactly what happened.

I came home from work last week to discover my partner sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, across from the computer with a webpage up featuring a picture of me with my penis exposed.
I was busted.
But I knew this was going to happen. and for some reason, I knew it was going to be that night. You see, on my way home, I had remembered that I forgot to clear the history bar, so when my partner got home, one of the first things he saw when viewing the days history was a website called. My heart sank and all the shame and fear I had in my head instantly flushed into my body. I could feel it. I tried to play it off for a minute, but I knew this was potentially the end of a relationship Ive waited 28 years for.

I had nothing to say as he screamed and hollered at me. I deserved everything coming my way. I laid down rules and regualtions for a very structured relationship, all while decieving the person that always bent over backwards for me and my difficult ways. So I took the wrath of a scorned man.

The other giant problem was that I never fully trusted him because I was so "sure" that he was hiding things from me. When all the while, I was the one hiding things from him. Whats the saying? "A theif sleeps with one eye open".... yep. I was the theif, and I didnt trust him one bit.

This letter is not only an open letter to my partner, and to anyone who will listen on here...but this is a letter to myself. Admitting what it is that ive done, and what I want to do to better myself. Im not quite ready to take this problem to a therapist or analyst because I truly believe that I am strong enough to battle this problem on my own and with the help of a few choice friends, as well as my amazing partner, who, very angery at first, has decided to walk along this journey with me and assist me in getting the help that I need. I dont think I could love another person more than I do him.

The addiction to porn (and the internet in general) CAN ruin lives and relationships. But like my best friend recently told me "you got to stick together, put love first, fix this and get on with your lives"...and I agree. I've managed to keep away from the porn since it happened. Im ready to fill my mind with more of lifes substantial things. Family, working out, health, music, recreation. I dont feel like spending hours in front of a mindless computer, feeding an addiction that will one day destroy me. Im ready for a big change.

To anyone with advice, both relationship and addiction, please respond to this. and feel free to email me at Elementalnyc@aol.com. I would love to hear from anyone who has sucessfully battled the illness. I could use the inspiration.

Thanks alot.
JMR.

[dave42]

What an amazing story! Thanks! Wow...I think you are very lucky that your partner is willing to work with you. Congratulations on staying away from p since the incident. I guess the question is, why do you want to stop? Foolish Mind has asked this question, and I think it's at the core of things. I mean, you got caught. So, what about if, in a year, you and your partner broke up (just example of course!). So, would you go back to doing all of the videos, etc.? I've thought about this with my partner. If he and I broke up, I feel like I'd be so, so vulnerable in terms of my addiction. Foolish Mind insists (at least I think he is the one!) that we have to figure out why WE want to give it up. Not for your partner or even for your relationship. For you. Why? That seems key.


I think a big problem is going to be trust, but you already have talked about that, so that seems positive that you know that your partner has got to be a bit leery about trusting. You seem to be very insightful about that with your very perceptive comment about the thief sleeping with an eye open. Thanks for that insight.

I think I'm seeing that I need to work harder at being honest with my partner. Even now, when I'm doing pretty well. hmmm. thanks!

It's great the way you are filling your time: "Family, working out, health, music, recreation."

Good luck and keep up the good work. I've found the first month or so is the toughest. Keep writing here a lot. It seems to help! All the best, Dave

[Pandora's Hope]

Hi, JMR-
I"m the wife of a p addict, so I see things more from your partner's perspective. It's a really hard thing for us to accept. But kudos to you for being here. There's a lot of acceptance, validation, safety to be found here. I think dave's right, though, you need to want to beat this thing for YOU, not for your partner or for your relationship. And do it one day at a time when you can, and one minute at a time if that's all you can muster.
Best of luck to you- you're in the right place. And you can do it!

[JMR]

This is great for both my partner and I. Weve been reading these replies together.

My personal feelings on the addiction are simple: Im 28 years old and should NOT be wasting my time sitting online when there are a million things for a healthy, young guy like me to do.

I have a smokin hot partner, who truthfully looks BETTER than the p stars you see in the videos.

But like dave said, would I go back to it if him and I broke up? Right now... I don't know. But I like having something to work for. I like having my partner walking through this with me. It gives me someone to impress and prove that "I can do this".
I know I should be more focused on doing this for ME, which I surely am, along with my admission and decision to battle this, I will gain more self esteem and improve myself and my health along with it.

Im excitied. Thanks for the welcome :)
~J

[dave42]

Great response -- so honest! Yes, I can see that you want to impress your partner. That makes total sense, and I think we are motivated by a bunch of factors, so why not that? But, yes, do figure out why YOU want to quit. That seems more and more important to me as time goes by.

And isn't it cool that Pandora's Hope is encouraging you to do it for you, even though she identifies more with your partner?

I liked this: "I will gain more self esteem and improve myself and my health along with it." I agree! Hey, if it helps, why not start a journal? I found that to be useful...you know: a place to go online that is as far from p as it can be.

Good luck to you and your partner!

[Vorlan]

Hey JMR,

Welcome to TTF! :)

I'm sorry to hear how far you got into this, I never went as far as directly contacting other people for internet sx myself but it would probably have been the natural progression I suppose.

Either way, I agree with everything Dave42 and Pandora's Hope have said you definately need to do this for yourself. From your posts though it sounds like you are doing that to some extent anyway. If you want to read some inspiring success stories then I suggest you check out:

FM's recovery journal: The truth is painful - but required


Daniel's Journal:
Onward: Daniel's Journal


Farmer's Recovery Journal:
Farmer's Journal


Rowlf's Recovery Journal:
Rowlf's Journal

There's some really great stuff in all of them.

I wish you all the best in beating this!

Best wishes,

Ben