A heavy day in a week

[SubmergedSoul]

Hello Guys

I am new here and it is my first post here. the reason I choose to write to day is because this day is the day I got my relapse and I really want to break this cycle. after I have been reading a lot here and see your inspirational posts, and reading the converstion betwen foolishmind and His wife.i really gotthe courage to start a treat ( i never write in forums)

I am alone in a country with no friends in my age to go out with, but it is not the only reason I fall for P. I have a lot of triggers and I deal with them with viewing P

Days like today make me feel alone and weak. I always been strong and go for what i want and often I get it, but when it comes to my P.A :( I am just lost and confused and weak. I know it is not me. I am not like that and I know It was not my choose to be P.A which make me really mad at my self When I can't "get ride of it". I have been trying to stop since tow yeas ago.

It eats my soul and sucks out the value of me. I see a dark world, I don't trust anybody anymore, I can't connect with anybody, I really miss to feel a emotion inside me. I know where I belong, I am not meant to be isolated. i feel like a robot. I come from a really social culture in middle east and right now I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I really want to stop this and get a normal life. I have been suffering enough under this spell, almost 10 years now and i just realised for 2 years ago how it ruin my life. I have done a lot good in my life when since we immigrated to west-world, and I am thanksful for that, but i know I could be done a lot more and be somewhere else if it was not for P

I am a single guy and I really want to start a family and get married, I am ready in every way to start a family and can take care of my wife and kids but I just don trust my self, not with this addiction, anyway, nobody knows about my situation and I will never tell anybody about that (my ego and my culture ), but it feels easy for me right now to share this with you guys. I know you guys understand me in some how

Thanks

[dave42]

Hello Submerged Soul:

Welcome to this place! And thanks for a fantastic first post. Wow, you put your finger on so many central issues so eloquently:

· you had relapse (I've been there many, many times!),

· you are alone without anyone your age to go out with,

· you are dealing with many, many triggers,

· you feel lonely, confused, and weak (I think we have ALL been there!!)

· You have been trying for 2 years to stop

· You want to have a family

· You want to share your problems but it's too difficult

Wow...so many, many people here have experienced similar problems. It took courage for you to share all of this, but, look, by sharing it you got it off your chest and you gave permission to the next reader to say, “Hmmm…guess I’m not alone.”

Hey, give yourself a TON of credit for being articulate: naming these issues is a great first step. I'm glad that your last sentence is hopeful. Yes, I think we DO understand your situation. And you understand ours. Like, for example, you understand how terrible it feels to make progress and then have a relapse, right? So your thoughts can help me. And your words of encouragement can strengthen me. It's great you are here, my friend! Not just for you, but for us! You are going to help US get whole again.

Okay, so, what is your next step? There are some very good postings here that you should read.

Hey, maybe your could start a journal? That helped me. Also, I feel that a plan helps me. Like, a specific plan of action for staying away from temptation. How, for example, could you finish this sentence, "The next time I'm tempted to look at p, I will do this: ___________. If that doesn't seem to be working, then I'll try this: _____________. And, finally, if that fails, here is my 'emergency plan': __________." I actually have never done this myself! LOL! But maybe I should.

I hope you know, that you are surrounded by a bunch of people who know more or less your suffering, your temptations, and your fears. But we also have a sense of your hopes -- to have a happy life, to feel a bit more whole, to have a life surrounded by a family that loves you. You can do it.

You might have another relapse (I hope not, but it's possible; that's how I look at it; others might have a different approach), but you can get back on the wagon again, and, if necessary, again and again.

The trick for me is to get back on the wagon and ride. And also, the trick is to stay on the wagon by realizing that this wagon is full of supporters who are also on the wagon. We are all on the same wagon, helping one another to avoid tumbling off of it, and scooping up our friends who are trying to get back on. Submerged Soul: welcome on this wagon and enjoy the ride with us!

[SubmergedSoul]

Thank you very much davd42 for your replay

I have been reading your replay 5 times now and it make me feel understood.
It feels like this time I am done with this and want to go on in my life and focus on things I always being love to do but which l did not attracted to because this P.A

I know I have to stay positive but I know I have to sucked up like a man and face the fear and triggers and stop running from them, it is not how it should be. I am tired of it. It dosent matter where I go and how many country do I move to . This P.A is with me and always pops up front of me when I feel down, I am not a kid anymore and I know what it is right and wrong, and what it is strong and weak, and this is weak for me when I run in the arm of P instead face my problems
it doesn't matter where I go, I will always encounter my triggers, my fears, things that I hate, behaviors I don't tolerate,(selfish friends, family members disrespect sometimes maybe even they don't mean ill or somebody I look up to and they are just not what I expect, I have seen so much "not fair" with my eyes and happen to my life that I come to the conclusion that all this triggers is a part of life and it is no way I can avoid them without I stop living or deal with them as apart of life and learn something from it, and don't let them make me weak and control my behavoirs and make feel shit about my self.

Right now I feel different, I feel better, I feel no fear, no excuse. I have to learn to live, Life is not behind my laptop and view P. It is in the field and in the field are both fear and joy, that it is just the way life is . from now on I want it different, I want to be able express myself, I want be a human, I want to feel more whole like you said, after reading your replay, I wanted make a big plan how to be the real me and be free from P, I educate my self little about goal-setting and I include your technique, I like the " emergency plan" idea. I got a long list of things why I wanted to be free from P. It feels like I am just born and with a lot of great experience in life and ready for the field
Once again my friend, Thanks to you and for every member in this forum, you guys are awesome, you guys are inspirational, I feel hope again

[dave42]

I'm glad you are here! Thanks for your kind words! Hey, I agree with your sentence that we are men and we have to face the tough stuff in life. Also, though, remember you don't have to face the tough stuff alone -- by coming here and writing about your temptations and your feelings, that is a way to face our addiction.

I liked the triggers that you name, because they involve many aspects of your life. For example, you mentioned that a trigger is disrespect, or maybe perceived disrespect. Wow, that is insightful of you! Also, you mentioned selfish friends. I think that you are absolutely right to name these as triggers, because these things hurt you, and then, if you are like me, you turn to p to make the hurt go away.

My favorite part of your post: "Live is not behind my laptop and viewi p. It is in the field and in the field are both fear and joy." So true. So incredibly true!

Here is to life in the field for you and me and everyone here at TTF.

You are an inspiration to me, so thanks!

[newstartforher]

This is a really inspirational thread so far, so I'm posting mostly just for the updates but also to give my two bits.

As usual, I can only second what Dave said ^^

Porn takes us to dark places, and it's only when you wrench yourself out of the gloom that you see how dark it was before. For me, and I guess for most people, it was being honest with myself and others on here that gave me the strength to pull myself out of the darkness. The further you get away from the darkness, the less of a pull it has on you. Each of us needs to find coping mechanisms - walls, if you like, to put between you and the darkness, to stop you slipping back. I made the mistake at first of thinking that I could do things to lighten the darkness a bit - only look at soft-core, that sort of thing. Suffice to say that even light is sucked into a black hole :)

The bit that does scare me a bit is that the darkness is always there, and it will always be pulling me back. But as I progress and become a better person, it's further away and its pull is weaker. It may even be that once you get far enough away to escape its gravity, you can be pulled into the orbit of something more worthwhile and good (but that's just conjecture).

You and I both seem to be in the same situation - it's got to a point where we could use more friends to rely on. Because I'm in the same situation, I can't really offer much advice about befriending people, but what about joining clubs, doing social things with workmates, that kind of thing?

Like Dave said, your insightfulness is great. Best of luck, and I'm sure it won't be long before you get that family you want :)

Ben

[lightseeker]

Hi there submerged soul, i know it has been nearly a month since you posted here but i just came across your post and i wanted to welcome you>:D<, how are you doing since you first joined?

As you have realised you are not alone, what you wrote here:

Days like today make me feel alone and weak. I always been strong and go for what i want and often I get it, but when it comes to my P.A :( I am just lost and confused and weak. I know it is not me. I am not like that and I know It was not my choose to be P.A which make me really mad at my self When I can't "get ride of it". I have been trying to stop since tow yeas ago.

It eats my soul and sucks out the value of me. I see a dark world, I don't trust anybody anymore, I can't connect with anybody, I really miss to feel a emotion inside me. I know where I belong, I am not meant to be isolated. i feel like a robot.
Thanks

I can totaly relate to this, i feel much the same way, but now i have been here for a while i feel much more comfortable and much happier that i have a way of talking out my feelings with others.

What has worked for me, (and i think are steps that must be taken) are simply to understand what addicition is and how to combat it and also specifally what is causing you to turn to porn, i dont mean just triggers but the deeper rooted issues, however this could take a while to figure out. Also i try my best not to be alone with my computer, and if i am then walk away as soon as i have urges.

Please dont give up hope and know that there is always a way out, the reason you feel you will never break free is because you are so deep in it right now, you havent given yourself time to breath or time away from the porn. Believe me i know how this is, mostly i will watch porn and MB every day, but since coming here and learning about the addiction and trying my best to abstain i am feeling much better. Anyway, as NSFH said and from my own research, - the more you start to abstain from porn and the longer periods you go without it, the less you need or want it, you must push hard and really struggle in the first few weeks and months and it will become easier for you to stay away, then its just a case of maintaning your abstinance and not being fooled into a 'one off, treat yourself' as this could very likely lead you back to where you were. I suffer from the same things, everything is a trigger and urges come easy, this is because your brain is so much into porn that you see everything as a sexual thing, i beleive after a time of abstinence this will also become less and you will stop seeing everything in a sexual way, so dont give up buddy, there is always hope, it just requires knowledge and hard work!

[britbloke]

Hey everyone and the new recoverers!

I'm on Day 15 clean now, Day 15 since I joined TTF as well, and had one of my toughest tests this week. My grandmother, 90, passed away on Friday. Suddenly, but very peacefully in her sleep. Been pretty sombre mood all weekend and had lots of support from my girlfriend.

It's only just hit home now and I'm feeling pretty down. I know what has always picked me up and focused my thoughts elsewhere, but even though I saw a trigger (a stupid advert on facebook with a model on it), I resisted. I almost had the 'one off' everyone refers to. But thankfully I would have had the fail safe of the filter So, I'm just downstairs finishing some work then will go straight back upstairs to spend some time with my girlfriend.

I am really missing P today. It feels like it could solve a million things, but would only serve to make me feel like crap tomorrow. I'm determined to rid the power it has over me. It will not win.

Good luck my friends, stay strong

[artguy34]

I am really missing P today. It feels like it could solve a million things, but would only serve to make me feel like crap tomorrow. I'm determined to rid the power it has over me. It will not win.

Good Job Britbloke, way to stop yourself and not give in to Porn & MB. My personal feelings on the issue is this... You are not really missing Porn, you are missing the "high" from it. The Euphoria you receive while viewing it. It may solve some problems in your mind right away, but it creates a lot more later on. You did the right thing... you walked away and focused on something else and then you went back to your girlfriend.

I know its tough, but you did the right thing! Keep getting stronger!