trying to save my relationship

[matou]

I'm in a big world of hurt right now.

A few days ago my fiance has told me that she is going to leave me.
She had know that I had done P in the past. We agreed that porn had no place in a couple. I told her that I would give it up. I was pretty good and I was honestly trying to give it up. During some downtimes between us....when we were having some issues...i turned back to P. Over a span of about 10 months, this happened 3 times. Knowing that what I was doing was wrong, i even compromised with myself...reasoning that if i didn't masturbate, that I wasn't doing porn.
When she asked me if i had done any...I lied and told her "no".
Of course, as these things always go, she found out. She was upset that I had broken the trust by doing porn, but more importantly...that I had lied. Not only lied, but insisted that i was innocent of doing anything.

All of this made me realize that I had a real problem. I have begun to seek help...being here, reading, researching...etc.

right now I've been able to talk her into staying. Our couple is in some sort of weird limbo. She hasn't left me, but insists that we are broken up. (there are other reasons why she is staying)

What can i do to try to restore some trust back into the relationship?
I have been honest with her about everything in our relationship other than this ugly porn thing.
I love her so very much. the thought that I have destroyed our couple over something like this is tearing me apart inside.
How can I get her to understand the dual mind of an addict? that the lies, the deception, the shame and guilt are part of the sickness....and that it's not just as easy to "choose the tell the truth" about this?

any and all advice is welcome.

[Vorlan]

Hey Matou,

It sounds like your fiance's trust in you has basically been totally untermined by the lies surrounding your PA. Trust takes a long time to build and I warn you that there will be no easy solution. It will take time and dedication but you can turn things around and slowly gain her trust again. My advice is that you take active steps to combat your PA. Joining this site was a brave first step. It takes guts to admit you have a problem and even more to post on a recovery site. I suggest you start a recovery journal and have a read of the journals of some of our most sucessful members. I'd particularlly recommend:

FM's recovery journal:
The truth is painful - but required


Daniel's Journal:
Onward: Daniel's Journal


Farmer's Recovery Journal:
Farmer's Journal


Rowlf's Recovery Journal:
Rowlf's Journal

A recovery journal is something I personally found really helpful as you can get things off your chest and practice being honest about your PA. It could help to tell her you are on this site so that you keep her involved. It is also important that you start to back up your words through actions. That's what will help her to begin to trust you again. Work out what triggers your PA and take steps to eliminate or avoid these triggers. It may also be helpful to instal some sort of webfilter on your computer (there is a section on these here:Internet Filter Software & Reviews) this could involve letting your fiance monitor your internet usage. Anything to make it hard for you to slip and use P and to force you to be totally open and honest with her.

Take heart in that you can do something about this and as people her have proved P can be beaten and broken relationships healed.

The very best of luck to you,

Best wishes,

Ben

P.s. I hope I didn't sound rude or preachy in this post. If so I apologise as I didn't intend to. :)

[dave42]

Hang in there Matou! Does your fiance know about this site? I think if she could read some of the entries by other PA SOs (Porn Addiction Significant Others), it might help her. I'm so sorry for your situation. Vorlan's (Ben's) advice is always top-notch, so even though I just skimmed his entry, I hope you find help there.

I did read this carefully: trust will take time and care to rebuild, but you can do it! Hang in there! Look at it this way, you want to change. You wanted that before, and you made 3 mistakes. But the important thing is that you wanted to change. Plus you have been honest about everything else. So, give yourself credit: you are sincere, and that counts for a lot. Good luck!

[matou]

She's left me.
She gave me the ring back.

Thanks for the replies... it looked ok for a couple of days, but there was no fixing this.

[FoolishMind]

Matou, its never over, Things can be said easily with hurt and anger, Do this for you, and change for you, If she loves you, she will see these changes, and things will take a step for the better, Its too easy to give up at this stage, but I know easier said than done, but you have to suckitup, and really dig deep.

Make the effort, it will wont be in vane.

FM

[matou]

We had a very deep and intense talk.
Things are back on track now (meaning that she will stay with me for now)
I know, and I have told her, that I have a lot to work on both in terms of my P A and in gaining her trust again.

I've assured her that she can ask any questions, ask for any proof she needs and i will provide the answers.

I have been a lucky man so far...I don't intend to push my luck again.

Thanks for the support