What's everyone's thoughts on what the root of their addiction is? With me, it seems to be about control...the times I've slipped seem to always coincide with times that life seems to be spinning out of control because of money trouble or whatever. I also tend to be very self-destructive...I think I can't handle it if things go too well. Anyone have any thoughts?
Deep down I'm a fairly shy and retiring person. I've overcome much of the painful shyness and social awkwardness I experienced as a child. But still, I often find social situations stressful. P is a safe zone to retire into, because it's private, feels 'safe' and predictable. It leaves me in control.
Add to this an obsession with the sexual which developed at an early age and which didn't find an outlet in a relationship until well into my twenties, leaving me many years to explore MB to a variety of different sources of P.
Add to this an increasing abundance of P all around us. I was counting my blessings for years with the advent of cable TV, pay TV, internet, broadband, etc. etc. Until I realised what P was doing to my life.
Final ingredient is the use of P to retreat into in times of stress, anxiety, depression, which quickly becomes a vicious cycle.
So no easy answer - a combination of social awkwardness, early exposure to sexual texts and images, abundance of P, anxiety and stress.
The problem I have with naming a root cause of my addiction is that it seems to place the reasons for my problem outside me, whereas I have caused this to myself. I can't blame anyone or anything else for it. I've allowed this to happen, and I have to deal with it now.
clog
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I've thought a lot about this. I didn't have a horrible childhood, or anything bad that I'm trying to recover from. When I really boil it down, I like pornography because I am interested in "the female form" and there is a curiosity to sex that is common among men and to an extent, women. Honestly, I don't think that there is anything to feel guilty or bad about at this level. We are programmed to procreate and an interest in sex is key to our survival. I acknowledge that walking down a street, I will be attracted to a pretty lady. But the attraction, and the time spent oogling and sizing her up and down as an object are two different things, the latter being one I try to refrain from these days.
This is where it needs to stop though. Regarding the realm of pornography, etc. I know that (from experience) this interest can be unhealthy and lead to much unhappiness. The modern world would tell us that cheating on your partner is the norm, that sexual promiscuity is ok, that "everyone does it." But what I have found is that this is a formula for disaster, and the fact that other people are here on this forum must mean that there are others out there who agree. That is comforting to me.
Being obsessed with sex all the time, constantly looking at and downloading new pictures, movies, etc., is a waste of precious time on this earth, and damaging to my relationship. There is no way that a person can consume porn everyday, and invest their sexual energy into it, and not have it negatively affect their relationship with their SO or even friends and family.
I truly feel that pornography can destroy families and relationships, and this cannot be stated loudly enough.
It is also a pursuit of diminishing returns, and makes anything in life that is not "porn" dull and unexciting. It really does drain the excitement from the little things in life. They go from being ok to "the things that keep us from our porn" which means that a huge percentage of life is frustrating and irritating.
I have decided that I want to live a happy, fulfilling life, and I realized that I cannot achieve those goals while porn is part of my life.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Gandhi
Last edited by Light; 02-11-2008 at 05:29 PM.
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Valjean, that's a very interesting and complex question. There are a number of individual factors to be sure, but I personally believe that the root of addiction to P is the same as the root of addiction to anything else, whether it be alcohol or gambling or what have you.
I believe there's a genetic predisposition for some people to be more susceptible to certain vices, and P is ours. In addition, there are other factors such as childhood upbringing and/or trauma, social development or lack thereof, personal temperament, etc. For me personally, I think I have some OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) that contributes, as well, because I have a tendency to want to COLLECT certain P, and not just to watch it for a few minutes then walk away from it.
In many ways I can relate to Light's comments about an interest in sexuality and the female form, and this is something that I am struggling to sort out in my head. What is OK and natural to think and what is just an unhealthy reaction that is being fueled by too much exposure to pornography?
For me though I think that things took a turn for the worse and the habit formed itself when I established a space for myself in the home. I'm sure that a lot of men have or want to have a room they can retreat to - the office, the study. In my case I wanted this for music and I wanted a computer for music. But the 2 together encouraged what was already not a good habit. Which developed into a daily habit, which has consumed hours of my life.
In my case i don't think I have a genetic predisposition. I choose what I do and how I spend my time. And I indulge in hedonism, escapism but I want to feel that I choose this. In this way i guess this is about control for me to. I don't want to think that I can't control myself.
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I always wanted to quit and felt it was wrong, but I kept going back for 'one last look', I would plan my next fix and decide that it was going to be the very last before I quit, but of course it never was. It was this endless cycle of self delusion that kept me going. Now I have admitted to myself and others that I have a serious problem and it helps me keep it in perspective even when temptation strikes.
'By Endurance We Conquer' - Ernest Shackleton
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I had a friend who was a smoker a few years back. He finally quit, and I asked him why he did it, and his response was:
"I had to get rid of anything that had that much control over me."
That really hit me, and though I don't smoke I found it very fitting to pornography addiction, and my personal situation. I don't think I wanted to admit at the time just how much control porn and masturbation had over my life. After realizing just how bad it was, I started to make small steps of progress.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Gandhi
Last edited by Light; 02-13-2008 at 05:11 PM.
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I was exposed to pornography at quite a young age. My dad had, and still has a stash pornographic mags that I had accidentally stumbled upon. He caught me looking at them, but didn't scold me or anything, because it was his stash, and he knew I didn't know better at the time.
As I grew older, I, not knowingly, probably came to believe that it was okay to look at that kind of stuff, but I also grew as a Christian, which led me to the light: porn is a horrible thing.
I also noticed that I had looked at pornography when I was stressed out, and things were spiraling out of control in my life, as you (valjean) stated as well. It became a retreat.
Lastly, I was curious about sex and the female anatomy, if you will. I eventually ended up looking to the wrong source for answers.
"The best way out is always through." - Robert Frost
Look up.
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Add to this an obsession with the sexual which developed at an early age and which didn't find an outlet in a relationship until well into my twenties, leaving me many years to explore MB to a variety of different sources of P.
Clog has described my experiences as well. For me there was heavy, isolated MB to commercial TV from puberty on, then secret visits to gentlemen's club, eventual frequent visits to prostitution (when finances permitted) and ultimately a return to online P with the onset of marriage and the bounds of fidelity.
Ironically though, I am quite social, relatively outgoing and very friendly. I have always lived an active vibrant and fullfilling social life, both with women and friends.
MB and online P are part of my heavily subverted double-life than included scattered but numerous use of prostitution. My issue may be about obtaining total control over my sexual feelings as a result of not being able to find an outlet at an early age.
The root of all addiction is pain, just as it is at the root of being human, a pain that is especially prevalent in this consumerist age, in which meaning, love and a coherent, stable self are very hard to come by. Genetic factors such as a family history of substance abuse or a physical sensitivity to certain substances can make people vulnerable to addiction. One could say that addiction is a love substitute. But there is another, deeper pain. At root it is the ache of being an isolated, separate self, struggling to find a satisfying purpose. Some call it loneliness, others depression or frustration, still others, longing.
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Jessica
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Root of the addiction? -
02-11-2008, 12:25 PM
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