Root of the addiction?

[jrock123]

sorry about that. i certainly didn't think you were praising porn. i misunderstood the angle you were coming from. when i was knee deep into porn, I might have said, my priorities were my family, my wife, my job, exercise. but where did i spend my time? porn. you are honest, i was not. i looked for every opportunity to look at porn including times later in the day when i would have an opportunity. i planned for it every day. so whatever i "said" my priorities were, my time said porn. 4 days is a good start. please post every day. it helped me a lot.

[tru2myself]

I think the root of my addiction isn't one single source but a collage of factors joining together to ultimately lead me towards viewing porn. With that said, three factors stand out as being most powerful of all contributing factors:1. forgetfulness, 2. love for pornography (accompanied with mb), and 3. the anxiety of not giving in.

Love for pornography - I love the act of viewing and masturbating to porn. It has undoubtedly become one of my favorite hobbies since discovering it as a teen. Every second I spend looking at the actors and actresses is a second of utter bliss. The pleasure I receive from feeding my addiction is superior to the enjoyment obtained through all my other hobbies and interests. In other words: porn has become the ultimate hobby in my life. Before pornography came into my life, I can say that playing videogames was my main day-to-day entertainment source. Do I still play videogames? Yes, but I can't honestly say that videogames quench my thirst for entertainment like porn does. I sometimes stop in the middle of playing a videogame to view porn, but I never stop a porn session to play a videogame. This shows you how much authority porn has secured over my life. The bottom line is that I enjoy pornography so much that it has developed into an addiction. Often, my failure to stop is caused by me thinking about how fun a relapse would be. This leads me to my next factor I'll discuss: forgetfulness.

Forgetfulness - I'm on Cloud 9 while enjoying pornography. Of course, immediately after I'm finished with my porn session, Cloud 9 inevitable turns into a cloud full of hail, sleet, snow, and acid rain. The feeling of disgust, shame and emptiness hits me 15 seconds after I climax and lasts with me for days. However, after staying sober for a week or so, I feel better and forget just how bad pornography makes me feel. In my conscious mind I know that my addiction causes pain and heartache but knowing and feeling are two different things when it comes to addiction. I can be aware of all the negative side effects porn produces but I don't fully relate until I'm actually experiencing them. Sometimes I wish I could capture the negative feelings in a capsule and take the capsule whenever I feel a strong urge to view porn. That way I'd be able to remind myself how bad the pain feels.

Anxiety - There comes a point in time when I've made great progress but relapse due to an overwhelming feeling of fear and irritability. It's a horrible state of mind. A battle is waging in my head during this moment. I become tired of fighting daily urges and look towards relapsing as a way to bring an end to the uncomfortable battle. Relapsing brings an end to the painful withdrawal period but ironically throws me back down into the pit of despair. Of course, the logical solution is to wait out the withdrawal period and break free from the grasp of porn addiction.

These three monsters have managed to join together to keep my addiction alive. I'll have to deal with each individually to ever truly end my addiction. I pray to God (literally) that I can stop this harmful cycle to bring sanity and peace back into my life.

[little_wife]

wow....tru2myself, that was very powerful, and scary to hear as a SO. As much as I hated reading it, I do thank you for having the courage to admit this. It's things like this that I need to hear to understand the battle my husband is sometimes facing.

[jrock123]

during my addiction of 10 years, I loved porn. I see a lot of comments on this site about people being ashamed after doing it. I was never ashamed and I didn't feel bad after viewing it. But until I abstained for a few weeks, I had no idea what I was missing. Now I am at 60 days P and MB free and I guarantee you, I will never go back. Life is just too damn good to return. So even though at the time I loved it and was not ashamed of it, it really didn't matter. It ate up my time, it greatly impacted my relationship with my wife, I was tired all the time and sleep deprived. I looked for reasons to be home alone away from my wife and kids. I can only see this clearly now and couldn't at the time. Until you abstain for 30 days, you will never be able to see this clearly and understand what I am talking about.


Jim

[Vorlan]

Loooking back now I'm not sure I picked the right thing as the source for my addiction. Sure moving at an early age probably didn't help but the main thing that triggered this was my lonliness and sxual frustration. I was never good with girls and I guess this cut me pretty deeply when I was young...I think it was this and the depression the insecurity caused me which led me into P and therefore it is my top priority to deal with this triggering factor now that I've become more aware of it.

Best wishes,

Ben

[artguy34]

Many people have many different ways to deal with PA and how to recover. So it interests me to see that so many have the same reasons as to the root of their addiction. Depression, Anxiety, Abuse etc. It makes me wonder about society and if we are truly moving in the right direction?

(Back to Point)...

For me, I am done trying to figure out what my root causes were because it was making me depressed and angry. I was begining to wallow in it. Why? Why? Why? and all it did was just make me feel even more like crap. My wife even told me that I need to stop dwelling on the "Why" and focus on "What I need to do". At the time I was between 60 and 80 days sober.

What I realized (for me in my recovery) that I can let go of my past and why I became addicted and still find a way to heal. Of course this may not be the best way for others, but for me, it is working. Because I cannot change the past, I cannot undo the hurt and pain I've caused. I can only control the future.

"Control" + "Future" = Porn Free!

I CAN control my addiction... I CAN successfully say that I want a better life. I WILL succeed because relapse is simply not an option. As jrock123 simply put:

Now I am at 60 days P and MB free and I guarantee you, I will never go back. Life is just too damn good to return.

How true it is... life is much better without Porn and MB. I am realizing that I do not need that as a crutch to shield my brain from emotional let downs. Sh*t happens, and it's called Life, so now I deal with it. But it is much better to deal with it when you are with someone you love and care about dearly.

I still have urges that are there, and I am not ignorant enough to think that I could view porn and not be "tempted" by it. I have a long way to go in my recovery, but I also have realized that I have come a long way too. I have learned a great many things and I seek to continue to learn and build up more defenses against anything that may become a trigger.

For me, that works just fine!

Good Luck to all of you on your journey to recovery! >:D<

[yorkie_owner_85]

I think for me it was a combination loneliness, insecurity, some confusion, and maybe my depression.

[Motorhead]

The stories in this sound so familiar. It is not that I come from a background of abuse or anything like that but when I was younger I was shy around women and found myself using p as an outlet for my urges. As time went past I found myself flowing deeper and deeper into the rabbits hole of p addiction and spending hours at a time viewing it. I would stay up until 4 am when I knew I had to work the next day all to get my fix. For the first time in my life I am starting to realize that life is so much better when I am p free. I found this thread to be extremely enlightening because I have spent a good deal of time the past few weeks trying to figure out the root source of some of my p addiction so I can wrap my mind around it and better combat it going forward. I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing.

[Unchained]

I think that loneliness, boredom, having too much time on my hands and not using it constructively caused me to go back to P & MB over and over again. I would have also said depression but having been sober for just under a week has made me feel as if P & MB was the cause of my depression in the first place.

[Benedict]

Artguy is right to say that it doesnt matter what the root cause is, it is changing our choices and behaviour now that matters. And understanding the triggers is crucial to that...and so some understanding of the root cause may assist. For me, extreme introversion and shyness coupled with a high libido meant that M rapidly became an important outlet as a teen. And soon M became a way to self-sooth and medicate bad feelings...and I suffered from ongoing mild depression at that time. And after a few years of using images I could find in ordinary magazines and books, I gradually turned to more and more explicit P. And with the advent of internet connection it became a full-blown addiction for long periods of time. I struggled with it for years, with short periods of abstention, and one or two longer periods when I did not have internet handy. But in the last few years I realized that it was becoming a big problem for me. And still could not quit cold turkey. But now, with the support and resources here, I feel very optimistic. Already, life is better, with much less time sucked down the rabbit hole of PA.