Why?

[maxwell_h69]

I am struggling with PA and it is ruining my relationship with my spouse. It is a very fresh (but old) issue. It is tearing us apart and I continue to relaspe and I dont understand why. Her question is why do I look at P, and Im struggling with the question myself. I may be a PA, and I dont know why! any help?

[pipster22]

how long have you been addicted would you say? as in doing it almost every day?

also, do you remember when you first started? and the possible reasons as to why you began

[Mindtech]

Hey Max

There's no way I can answer your question. I think only you can. But I've asked myself the same thing.

Far as I can tell, it has something to do with childhood/early adulthood experiences (yeah, I hate that sentence as well). I am becoming increasingly convinced that my unsafe upbringing, especially as a young teenager, has a lot to do with my P-addiction.
My parents didn't talk about sex. It was hidden away. At the same time is was an obvious issue. My father once axed down the bedroom door because my mother had locked herself in and he wouldn't stand for it. I was about 12 at the time, and I sat 5 meters away trying to watch television.
My father would often get drunk at night and bust open my door, come into my room and scream and shout that I was an idiot because I didn't do whatever he wanted me to. However when I had friends over, he would politely knock before bringing us snacks.
My mom also started to come to my room at night, drunk and wanting to cuddle. She said all kinds of stuff that a mom shouldn't tell her son. I would describe my early teenage years as being peppered with a light form of incest and a heavy form of verbal/emotional abuse. The only way for me to get my parents off my back for the night was to become seriously angry and break stuff to scare them off. Nothing else worked against these drunken ogres.

These experiences, as far as I can tell, triggered a view in which:

• Woman are worth less than men
• Sex is something to be taken
• Anger should be used to solve problems
• People are generally not to be trusted

I could add more points, but these are the most important ones. You can probably tell that using P (and alcohol and drugs) as a means to get away from myself was not a far-fetched idea for a young man in my position.

You know, sometimes people say "I've had it much worse / easier than you, and I didn't turn out like you." The reason for this is, you are you, and I am me. We are not the same people, we have different limits, minds, hearts, souls. Some people say the drink is burning hot while others say it's just right. It cannot be compared like that. You are you. You got your reasons. Maybe they are similar to mine somehow. Only you know this.

[Daniel]

I am struggling with PA and it is ruining my relationship with my spouse. It is a very fresh (but old) issue. It is tearing us apart and I continue to relaspe and I dont understand why. Her question is why do I look at P, and Im struggling with the question myself. I may be a PA, and I dont know why! any help?

Maxwell,

You have put your finger on the one unanswerable question regarding PA. Mindtech spelled it out exactly in the bottom of his note: Every individual brings different issues to the table, different upbringings, different peer groups, different worldviews, different parental/sibling dynamics, add to this their own personality, sexuality, individuality.

After mixing those portions together in life's melting pot I submit it's near impossible to isolate the inputs and create a matrix where Condition A is a result of Life Event A, Condition B is a result of Live Event B, etc., etc.

Thus I say don't ask the "Why?" question.

Instead ask the more efficacious question: "How Can I Get Free?"

If you ask that question, "Then We're Cookin' With Gas!"

Daniel

[johndonato]

Daniel you are on it for sure, focusing on why it happened is important to knowing where it came from but we may never know the answer to why did it happen. More important is how can I overcome this and move on or as I put it Falling Forward.

I like Mindtech had similar upbringings with my father drinking and all, I think what we all have in common is the fact that the P fills some basic need that we were lacking. For me it was feeling alone,
My Grandmother use to say " better to be alone then with Bad company." but when you are a child you need company and sometimes we cling to the bad company mine was S and P.
When I had P or S I was never alone and I was in charge so I thought......

So for me to not have the feeling of being alone I come to TTF cause
here I can always be myself and never be alone.....

Please dont ever feel alone,,,,,,,,,

J.D

[buscando]

I think that I look at porn when I want an easy, easy pleasure that is absolutely guaranteed to be compelling. I think that we all look at porn because we don't know how to derive (real) pleasure from life, and occasionally (or frequently) tire of trying. This is a restatement of an old idea: we aren't just moving away from one thing, but there also has to be something that we are moving toward. Out with the bad and ridiculous, and in with the good and true. No more escapes down the rabbit hole, onward toward a true life.

[Nowhere Man]

I completely agree with johndonato. While it is certainly worthwhile to look into your our family histories, etc., to find answers regarding our thoughts and behaviors, I think it is very important not to let such inquiries distract us from the ultimate goal, which is simply to stop engaging in the unwanted behavior.

I saw a psychiatrist about my problem about a year ago and was referred to a cognitive therapist. Of course, at that point, I had no idea what cognitive therapy was, and I expected a Freudian psychological approach where a therapist dug in and got to the root of my problems. I couldn't have been more wrong. My therapy focuses strictly on my addition and strategies to stop it.

I think this is a much more practical approach. After all, we all have issues with our parents and our screwed-up childhoods; chances are those issues will never go away. Cognitive therapy made me realize that I can give up P, even if I never resolve my underlying issues.

[Mindtech]

I must comment on this last post. I've quit drugs and alcohol. I think it was very important for me to understand why I did drugs and drank so much alcohol. I looked at my past, my parents, I wrote stuff down and talked to a lot of people about it. It made me dream at night. It gave me moodswings.

Today I understand perfectly why I drank and did drugs. I can draw a clear line back to my parents and upbringing. If I ever consider drinking again, I will have a clear understanding of why I shouldn't do it - instead of just a stone fist.

When trying to beat P I don't think you can make any universal rule and say "when quitting, this is more important than that." Because people are different. For me it's very important to understand my own history and the "codes" I come with, because understanding - really understanding - strengthens my resolve.

The only thing that works is simply NOT DOING IT, but I don't want a life where I don't do P and feel like crap. I don't want to be this kind of black-and-white person who just does stuff and can't say why it works. I need to understand why I feel like crap. These things go hand in hand for me. I would never recommend on over the other.

Am not trying to argue here. Just making my point, because the opposite point has been stressed as well.

[Daniel]

Mindtech,

I completely agree about understanding Why Things Are.

My perspective is 1) practical success first, 2) reaching understanding second.

And it is perfectly good in my book and for some necessary that 1) & 2) be done simultaneously as you suggest.

The practical side means immediate success (hopefully), peace, better able to think, cope, understand, and ultimately greater (and as time goes on) even greater insight into 2).

What I've found is, in the early stages, I may have pointed to something in my past, or two or three things, and said to myself
"There it is, that was one of the major causes." And indeed, it was.

But then with more success, time and perspective, I come back to that vantage point and say
"It was an input, but my own responses made it worse." OR.. "It wasn't nearly as big of a cause as I thought, the real culprit(s) are over here.."

And of course it's an on-going process. I am just careful about how much time I spend on the Why Questions and I never expect to have fully reasoned answers.

"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice there is." -Yogi Berra (link to the quotes)


Cheers!,

Daniel

PS: my parents also drank way too much when I was young, particularly my Mom after she married a lovable but very alcoholic man.

[buscando]

Understanding is shaped by doing. Don't AA members say, I act my way into right understanding?