Fallen but still determined

[Leon]

Another relapse coming from the thirteen year old who has been and still struggling over the addiction for about three years. I had a vision in my sleep of today, I was dreaming of myself, fine and normal. Until I received a powerful urge and it was like getting taken into a black hole. All I needed to do was to pull myself together but that force pulling me was quite stronger. So then I immediately failed and gave in.

Fortunately, after the relapse I still had the strength inside me telling me that there will still be a time where I will soon conquer this addiction and I guess the time would be...now. This would probably be my 100th try already so let's just pray that this would really, really, really my final try.

I'm already going through confirmation and by the time I'm a candidate no more, I will also be an addict no more. My goals for this week are to get myself back up and continue. Be more and more productive on the weekdays and finally on the 13th (which is a day off for us students), relax and reflect on the mistakes that I made during the week and figure out a way to learn from them. I already told you that I'm committed about stopping this and I won't stop until I'm clean. Please continue to support me and wish me luck.

[Leon]

I hope that you understand.

[illumination]

I understand very well. I know exactly what you mean about the force dragging you into the black hole. Sometimes it has even taken over my thoughts. It seems to me the only thing to do is to keep guarding your mind very strictly and not give any tempting thoughts a moment's tolerance, with no exceptions. I never thought I would see myself write something like that, but this experience has changed me a lot. You're lucky to be dealing with the problem when you're young and still have a chance to develop normally.

[Leon]

Yes, I know. Well, I'm lucky to be dealing with this problem at an early age. I hope that I'm one of the ones who successfully defeats the addiction at the end. I will try my best to be aware of my thought process and always keep watch on what I'm thinking. Also, never ever purposely go to sites on the internet that contain triggers such as soft-core model websites (FHM, AskMen, Bullz-eye, etc). Thank you and peace.