Denial?

[Nowhere Man]

It's been a long time (6 months or so ) since I've posted on TTF, but I'm back again at the encouragement of my therapist. I don't have long to post tonight (the new episode of Lost is about to come on), but I wanted to begin a discussion about "denial" or "partial denial."

With medication and cognitive therapy, I have had a great deal of success--only two very short relapses in the past six months or so. With this success, I find it difficult to keep doing the things that got me to this point, i.e., keeping my wife posted about my progress, filling out daily "urge sheets" by which I can track patterns in my urges, coming to TTF, etc. It is very easy for me, after a few weeks of success, to begin to convince myself that I am cured of my addiction. I know I'm not, but it sure is easy to fool myself into a sense of complacency . . . "You're all better now. Just forget that it ever happened."

Anyway, I just wanted to know if anyone has similar experiences and, if so, if anyone has any insight. Thanks.

NWM

[gnein]

I know all about it. I don't think it's denial so much as complacency. It's just thinking that you've got it beat and can start cutting corners. I've done it myself. I think it's a matter of getting into a routine of filling out the "urge sheets" (a good idea BTW, I might try that one myself), writing a journal, etc. I read on another site that trying to beat PA was a matter of creating new habits rather than eliminating old ones. Maybe there's some truth to that.

[Newman]

Anyway, I just wanted to know if anyone has similar experiences and, if so, if anyone has any insight. NWM

Yes, I've had similar experiences. No, I don't have any insight as to dealing successfully with the problem you've mentioned. Perhaps its just a matter of continuing to do what keeps us on the right track, i.e., just a matter of determination. Perhaps over time the urges/slips become fewer and less frequent until they disappear altogether. Sorry, wish I had more answers.

[rugbysteve]

I definitely have had a similar experiences. As far as insight? This is what I think (although, I'm not a professional):
I think that PA can sort of be broken into two parts.

One is the "daily habit" of P, by which we have been used to looking at P pretty much every day, and we are also in the habit of letting our thoughts drift to P based on external triggers (such as images on TV, etc).

The other part is the "security blanket" or the part of our addiction that is based on us using P as an escape for our problems. I think this is the part of our addiction that makes us turn to P to get that "fix" to make us feel better when we are down.

So my analysis of my own relapse is that I had managed the "daily habit" part of my addiction through identifying triggers, etc. I was doing a good job at controlling my thoughts and keeping them away from P, so I thought I had things pretty well dealt with and I got complacent about my PA. Then when life got a little rough (not even that bad in the grand scheme of things), all of a sudden I felt the need for my "security blanket" to make things better. But because I was so far from my PA-support system, from complacency, that I wasn't able to stay strong enough to counter that particular urge. It was a completely non-sxual urge, too. I just wanted to get my "fix". I feel that if I was still working actively on my addiction then I would have found another way to deal with my little life problem instead of turning to P.

Sorry, this is turning a little bit into a ramble. So after I realized that my complacency had contributed to my relapse, I came back to TTF and told myself to make it a habit to post in my journal every day --- and I always tell myself its good enough just to post "hi I'm still here" just so I could keep the habit up. Once I made the commitment, the analysis of what went on kind of naturally happened in my journal.
I hope that helps.
-steve

[Daniel]

... Perhaps over time the urges/slips become fewer and less frequent until they disappear altogether. Sorry, wish I had more answers.

This has been my experience. The urges fade. They don't disappear permanently, but they can have a long (thank God) absence. They weaken over time. And you must resist the urge to re-cultivate them...

One is the "daily habit" of P, by which we have been used to looking at P pretty much every day, and we are also in the habit of letting our thoughts drift to P based on external triggers (such as images on TV, etc).

Definitely. I have termed this the 'brute habit' of daily dosage(s) etc. This daily fix is the hardest to break early on, as your body and mind scream for the high-frequency fix they've become accustomed to...

The other part is the "security blanket" or the part of our addiction that is based on us using P as an escape for our problems. I think this is the part of our addiction that makes us turn to P to get that "fix" to make us feel better when we are down.

That's a big 10-4 on this one too Steve. This is the "medicate-your-way-out-of-reality".. to avoid whatever.

Complacency is definitely Public Enemy No.1 for the person who has enjoyed some extended success and is thinking maybe a little too much that it is OK to relax the trigger standards. Only to find out too late that the slope is too slippery... Thus, don't let off! Keep on doing what has been working for you to stay clean..

For what it's worth!,

Daniel

[illumination]

I totally agree. In the long term, complacency is the main risk. I got too used to being clean and started taking it for granted. But the old patterns were still there latent and took me over again. I think some part of me was struggling against it right the way through, but I was very weak. I lost sight of why I needed to quit. Not sure what the answer is really, still thinking about it. The idea of having to carefully and strictly watch my mind for the rest of my life is pretty scary, but maybe that's what it takes.

[Rowlf]

For me, it's not just complacency, although that does have a large role.

It's going back to my old way of independance and 'managing' by myself. To live P free requires me to open up my usual defenses (which was partly numbing feelings out using P) and be open hearted and vulnerable. That's not always comfortable!

And the old way of being is deeply ingrained, and habitual. To the extent that I don't actively notice when I'm moving out of balance, because it is so praticed as to feel normal. It requires no effort or thought to run the usual patterns of bottling things up.

To spend some time each day centring, feeling my heart and remembering what's important, is a lovely big, expansion feeling. But it is also novel and requires mindfulness. And may never be automatic, so as to require a period of meditation / prayer every day for ever.....

Also, as I'm understanding it right now, the best description of one day at a time is to deal with each days triggers and stresses that day and not carry anything forward..... Nice idea in theory, and probably never wholly possible, but I am moving a little bit more and more in this direction.

[Nowhere Man]

Thanks for everyone's responses. I completely agree with the ideas regarding complacency, and I'm inclined to believe that complacency and denial are closely related. They are both mechanisms by which our minds allow the addiction to remain.

Anyway, I've decided that no matter how good and strong I am feeling in the next month or so, I am going to make a genuine effort to post a few times a week on TTF, fill out my urge sheets, etc. Maybe that will keep complacency/denial from taking root.