I can't break the pattern of relapsing every few days

[gnein]

This is something that's starting to irritate me. I keep trying, and I can go a few days, but I can't seem to take the next step and go longer. I usually last 4-5 days without P, but that's it. I haven't gone a complete week without P (in one form or another) since my PA began back in 1993. Unfortunately, there are so many forms of PA or Sx addiction (I've been a regular user of Internet P, adult phone lines and even the occasional prostitute)

I figure that if I keep getting up after a relapse that I'll get there eventually, that the P will slowly lose it's hold over me, but it's taking a long time. To be fair, there have been some positive things that have happened since I started trying. I'm better able to relate to people generally (even total strangers), my apartment is cleaner than it was before, The marathon 3-4 hour P sessions have virtually disappeared, as have my visits to adult chat rooms.

I want to know if anyone has any advice on taking the next step, and getting completely clean. It there something else I should be doing?

[FoolishMind]

Hi Gnein, I dont think there will be a simple answer to that question that as it is quite specific to each individual.

Ultimatley to make it easier for you to answer the question for yourself, you need to understand certain things slightly more deeply.

example:

1) Exactly why do you want to be P free?
2) 2 or 3 P free days pass, then you relapse. Is there a common trigger that occurs?

The answer to Q1 should be clear with you from day 1, that is your key motivation, which gives you strength. I remind myself of this everyday.

The answer to Q2, should identify the need for a strategy to counter your recurring trigger.

Youve done well, and your clearly can see some changes in your life already, So acknowledge that, as im sure some time back, you would have though you could even do that. In your current situation, I would advise you not to count days, If the pattern seems to be every 2 or 3 days you relapse, Dont think about it. As on the second or third day, that thought will build up in your head, i.e. "oh its nearly 3 days, here we go, the temptations gonna get really strong and I will mess up"

Be smarter, be proactive i.e. "It nearly 3 days, I usally mess up around this time, What im gonna do is spend the whole day with family, keep my myself busy, get so tired that I just wanna get home and sleep etc etc"

Think Positive dude.

FM

[Rowlf]

Hey Gnein,

Good advice from FM there!

Just thought that I'd add that you've got a marvellous opportunity to work out what might work for you here :D Basically, keep trying different strategies until you find out what works for you. And if it doesn't work, then you know that you have the integrity to try again in a few days. You know you want to change - keep that as your watchword, you don't yet know how....

There's a AA phrase I think that goes 'If you do what you've always done, then you get what you always get...." - so do different things!

I would also say that if you're in this 4-5 day cycle that leads to P there's probably stuff (stresses) building up, as yet you don't know what that is, that leads to this compulsive acting out. So, pay more awareness to each thing that's happening every day. P is usually a way of numbing out something. Well, that something in your life ain't going away and seems to 'need' numbing out regularly - there will be a better way of dealing with it . Try a daily review, diary, journal - try anything and everything that will help you break this pattern.

[rugbysteve]

Gnein,
First! Don't give up!!! I think that posting this thread shows how serious you are about beating PA. It can be frustrating when you are trapped in that cycle. I was there for my first several attempts at quitting, and in the end wound up giving up each time because I too was trapped in that cycle.

I think that both FM and Rowlf have offered great advice. To that, I would just like to add my personal experience for what its worth. I feel like my current attempt to quit is succeeding and I am definitely not trapped in a cycle. There are three major differences between all the other times I tried to quit and this time and they are:

1) My relationship has nearly been ruined and is still at risk
2) I admitted that it is an addiction and sought help (including a therapist and the forums)
3) At home, there is really no way for me to access P.

I understand that for you 1 probably doesn't apply and are probably trying to prevent (which is great, and I wish I had done that), but you are definitely motivated. Number 2 is also a step you have taken by coming here. Number 3 might be what is holding you back. Right now, I have no computer at home. My phone's data plan has been canceled. My computer at work has a filter that only my SO knows the password to. I had no choice to relapse because the choice wasn't available to me. It's kind of drastic, but sometimes "drastic" measures are necessary. After the 4 or 5 day mark, all those stressors that Rowlf talked about started coming to the surface. I am still struggling with how to deal with them, but at least I am getting a better idea of what they are from day to day.

I'm not saying that you should throw away your computer, but perhaps you could evaluate what "drastic" measures would look like to you and take them. It might only need to be for a week or two; just to break the cycle. Once the cycle has been broken then you could re-evaluate. There are many reasons that I still don't have a computer at home, but I think it wouldn't be out of the question for me to bring one back; I would be ok as long as I still had reasonable safeguards.

Hope this helps. Stay with the fight.
-steve

[gnein]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'll keep this brief because I'm about to go out. I've thought about the various reasons I want to be P free, and it seems to be a combination of the disgust I feel with myself everytime I resort to P, coupled with the fact that I want to access things in my life that I've never been able to access -- largely because of P.

Down the track I'd like to be able to have a proper relationship -- or even a few more close friendships (I have few of those now). I've been something of a loner or an outcast socially since my teens, so I guess I turned to P to numb those feelings of rejection.

The real problem from what I can gather seems to be that P has been a big part of my life since I was a teenager (I'm now in my early 30s), and I'm just so used to having it play a role. I guess I need to find something else to fill the gap, but in the meantime, I always start to feel like a part of me is missing when it's not there. I'm fine without it for a few days, but I always question myself after that time.

As I said earlier, there is less P in my life than there was, so I think I'm on the right track. It's just that I need to take the next step and eliminate it completely. For now I'm going to try the filter again (I tried it once before, but ended up disabling it). I'm also going to stick with my plan of going out more often and hope I can bring enough positive things into my life to push some of the negative thoughts and behaviours out. Hopefully next time I can last a bit longer.

[Mindtech]

The first couple of times I used this forum, I kept focusing on the differences. Like, people said "The Holy Bible says..." Well, I don't believe in that. And then someone else said "Get an AA-sponsor." Well, tried that a couple of times, didn't work out.

So I went back to relapsing. Taught me a lesson: Find my own path, and focus on the stuff that works. I can still pick up bits and pieces, I don't have to do it like someone else, or be like anyone else. In the end my own way could inspire someone else in a unique way.

In my language, at the AA-meetings, we say:
"The same person makes the same mistakes." So the trick is to change stuff somehow. Change little things, change bigger things, whatever it takes! Change the RIGHT things! :)

[buscando]

(I've been a regular user of Internet P, adult phone lines and even the occasional prostitute)

I think the problem is that your brain's neurons have been amply trained to embrace sexual stimuli divorced from a proper relationship, and that your efforts to re-train it are nowhere near as intense. I think this applies to the vast majority of us. Partly it is because these stimuli are very intense, and it takes a great deal of effort to provide ourselves an equal-or-greater-and-opposite stimulus. But think of it this way. When we are into porn, we are using all our senses pretty much, and perhaps even participating directly. When we try to stop, often it's only a mental effort. I think this is why religious approaches are more successful: they tend to involve vocal and sense-related aspects of ourselves, so our brain rewiring can be more rapid and more sure.

Learning theory indicates that what we hear, say, and do, we do well. We are willing to hear, say, and do porn. Are we willing to hear, say, and do non-porn? It's an interesting question.

[scottybo]

ok you seem to understand this stuff heres the thing i feel like a junkie always after i get off on porn i say never again and over and over but i dont have a woman and never realy done well with woman and wheni do something like go to the store i see the woman and the clothes they wear and the tattoos and it just sets me off and when you have no sexual partner how are you suposed to deal with it i wish i had a switch in my head i could turn off.i dont know i just feel like a frigging scum bag for watching this shit and cant seem to shake it loose but i do want to. also is there a porn fillter that will keep me off eskimo tube and block me something i cant get around anyway im new and trying but its realy hard for me thanks

[johndonato]

try K9 it filters alot of stuff or covenent eyes

try not to list actual porn sites on your posts cause just to prove your not alone. When I read your post i got a chill cause I didnt know bout the site you mentioned and it made me wonder what I was missing........! we are all tempted my friend you are not alone...

JD

[Tom365]

I think when you have a partner it is easier if you have a good
relationship in bed. With my last girlfriend when we were together
I never even thought about it. However with the girlfriend before that things were not that great we were like an old couple in many ways and I used it while I was with her.
Being