Massive relapse, aaaarrrgggh

[illumination]

Well, hello everyone. I must say I didn't think I'd be back here, certainly not with a relapse story. I thought I was one of the successes. I must have been clean for about 9 months or so, I guess. I always knew the beast was lurking, though, and so I made sure none of the images were allowed to hang around in my mind.

I just got internet access at home for the first time. My willpower had lapsed a lot because I hadn't had any web access for ages so hadn't had to deal with the temptation. I pretty much knew what was going to happen but I seemed to be powerless to stop it. The thing is, I had lost that basic motivation. I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay quit any more. "Maybe it's not all that bad... maybe I shouldn't repress myself by stopping myself doing something I want to do..." all that crap that your mind can come up with.

Now part of me knew why I wanted to quit in the first place. But of course when the addiction flares up you forget about that desperation, the degradation, the utter disgust with yourself. My thoughts seemed to be split in two, and neither had the upper hand until I collapsed back into the addiction. I thought about praying to be helped but then I couldn't make up my mind whether I wanted to be helped. It is truly a demonic force!

Well I learnt my lesson, yet again. I have thoroughly degraded myself. I managed to hold back from ejaculating while looking at pictures, and eventually came back to the old realisation that I wasn't even really enjoying what I was doing, it was degrading me, stopping me from becoming the person I want to be, wasting hours of my time... yes, yes I know it all and I knew it before, but the addiction took over me again.

I can't believe this happened to me. I thought I was one of the strong ones, going round advising others about how to quit. What a fool! How could I have deluded myself like that?

I have been getting more healthy recently and my energy levels are increasing. Along with that, my emotions are becoming more powerful and my sex drive has increased enormously (it was already pretty high). I am alone and sexually frustrated and I lapsed back into the old habit of reaching for porn as a way of relieving sexual frustration. Of course it doesn't really relieve it, it makes it worse. But it's easy to say that just after a massive lapse, not so easy before it.

I hope I've finally learnt my lesson this time, but now I know I am capable of lapsing like this I don't know what will happen in the future. If I can delude myself so enormously why won't that happen again? I even thought about the stuff I posted here, how much I hated porn, and I made myself believe I had changed my mind about it! It's incredible how this addiction can twist the mind.

So I need the support of people here again. Any messages of support or advice would be much appreciated, especially from people who have been in the same situation and have managed to negotiate their way through it. People here are amazing. This is my only hope.

The big question I have now is what would a real recovery look like? Not just keeping a lid on the addiction but really being free from it so we can relax and not have to control our minds all the time? How would that be possible? Psychotherapy maybe? Has anyone been through that?

Thanks to eveyone who was around to support me when I was here before. I need your help now. Please say something so I know there are people out there who understand.

[dexter3802]

Hi,

important for you to congratulate yourself on so long clean and not beat yourself up about it.

As for deluded thinking its important to remember that we became addicted to P because we liked it and even now it is a problem deep down within us we would most probably carry on with it if we could.

Maybe you can accept its a weakness within you that will always be ready to be used if you let it overcome you.

This is a very tough addiction to beat, tougher than all the rest because we carry a potential supply with us everywhere (lustful thoughts).

Control the thinking and you control the addiction.

I try and learn from each relapse and it usually boils down to a part of me just wants to do it and i give in too easily.

good luck

[Newman]

Illumination,
I had a somewhat similar experience but I hadn't been free for nearly as long as you had. As bad as the relapse makes us feel, generally, I'm not where I was before I started fighting this stuff. Now I have hope whereas before I was just wallowing in self pity. This is a fight worth doing. May the last time we viewed porn be the last time we viewed porn. Stay with it.

[Rowlf]

Hey Illumination,

Glad that you chose to come back here and try again!

I've not been able to stay completely clean, especially not for the length of time that you've managed. And I think you should allow yourself some credit for the achievement because even in having to come back, you're at a different place in the journey.

I know for me the triggers are lodged deep within my own insecurities about myself. And it can be a slow process to identify and make friends with those.

That fascination with P lurks just beneath the surface. Every time I've thought that I was OK now, I've pushed a limit and found that I wasn't OK. It doesn't take much for it take me over. But and this a big but, the relaxed and unguarded person I am when off P is much more the real me.

Anyway, hope you have a good day today.

[Daniel]

The big question I have now is what would a real recovery look like? Not just keeping a lid on the addiction but really being free from it so we can relax and not have to control our minds all the time? How would that be possible? Psychotherapy maybe? Has anyone been through that?

Illumination,

I haven't read how the others have responded yet, just finished reading your "I've Returned" post and felt compelled to comment. Thus I apologize for any repeated messages...

First thing I'd say is "Congratulations".. You did not stay down and use for months on end, compounding your pain and misery.

I know this first-hand because it's what I did before getting serious (you can see my journal if you have an interest).

When you slip it's like "Well, why not binge my mind out since I'm down anyway!?" But doing that will only magnify the damage.

So you have done well, you stopped, you returned to TTF, you sound very determined to kill the P monster who only wants more until your life is consumed.

I think Real Recovery looks active, maybe never feels free completely, but can eventually not have to actively "think away" from P because P doesn't enter in that often and when it breaks into the thought life it's "OUT!" immediately.

To entertain even a flicker of a thought for 3 seconds is to flirt with disaster on the effort to staying clean.

The battleground is the mind as we all know and you too...

I don't think psycotherapy is needed. Just my personal opinion, please take-or-leave..

I have been in your shoes.

In 2001, I was clean for about 9 months. I had near destroyed my marriage with the revelation I was secretly viewing online P. I knuckled down and fought through the temptations for months.

But then I grew tired of all the fighting and decided a little risque material was OK. But this only stoked the fire until it was raging out of control and I was looking at HC P again weekly/monthly, sometimes daily. No MB in my case. But the looking/using destroyed my self-esteem, -confidence, inner peace, slowed down my faith, restrained my walk with God, made me feel very weird, alienated me from the wife since it was a dark secret.

You get the picture.

That was then this is now. Clean since March 26, 2008.

A very active war. But the fighting has died down a lot. I don't dare take my eye off the ball.

Welcome Back and I Sincerely Hope This Helps You,

Daniel

[futurehope]

It's good to see you back, Illumination. Not good, under these circumstances, for you...but...you know what I mean.

I have had long periods free from P, and then had relapses, and for me, it's when I get into a period of repressing my feelings rather than acknowledging them. Sometimes, thoughts and feelings get too much for me so I push them down into a black hole, which leads to a bit of a strange state. Then the decision to use P can occur unconsciously, and seem to "just happen".

Well, 9 months is great...I'm sure you learnt a lot. You didn't achieve perfection - too bad! You can only start from where you are...regrets don't do any good.

Like you said, you are changing, and growing....your emotions are becoming stronger. That more limited person had the lid on the P, but was limited. Now you have grown, the new person needs to grapple with it. That's the way I see it, anyway.

A real recovery might look like this: someone who doesn't have any strong desire to look at P...who is fairly indifferent to it. If he did occasionally look at it, he wouldn't worry about it that much, because it would be fairly meaningless to him. If he did look at it, he wouldn't be driven to it by desperation but might do it out of boredom, look for a few minutes, and then get bored with it. There would probably be a feeling of it being a bit of a waste of time, and not that interesting- because love and hate are two sides of the same coin, and as long as we hate it, we are still obsessed with it.

[illumination]

Hello, thanks for the replies. I had a look at your journal, Daniel. Well done for what you have achieved. I'm happy that my addiction has not affected my love relationships so far (it has probably prevented me from meeting people, but it has not actually threatened any relationships I have had). FH, I recognise what you mean about naturally losing interest. That's what has stopped me so far when I have been on a binge. Suddenly the images no longer have any appeal.

I've been away from the forum for a few weeks, not because I've been on a non-stop porn binge but because I haven't had internet access. Last night, though, I had a massive binge. I decided not to allow myself to feel guilty but afterwards prayed for help. I now feel committed to staying clean again. At least I'm here now rather than 'there'!

I've learned a few of things: 1. the techniques I have been using are effective in the short term in holding off a relapse but they don't really address the underlying problems; 2. Staying clean in the long term was more difficult because I became complacent; 3. I think it is helpful not to allow oneself to feel guilty.

[Newman]

If I understand your posts correctly, it sounds as if internet access at home is a big part of the problem. If you addressed this through location, filtering, blocking or some other method, would it help? Of course, I feel a bit unqualified to make suggestions to someone who has had as much as nine months of freedom. Good luck.

[illumination]

Yeah I did think about stuff like that but I would probably just find a way round it if I was in a bad enough state. I think will power is the only way for me. I've been online twice since my last lapse and not been tempted at all.

I have been totally strict with porn images and lustful thoughts in my mind. More forceful than I was before. I imagine the image is made of glass and I smash it with a big hammer.