This works for me now!

[Mindtech]

Hey everyone. It's been a long way coming here, but it seems I've had some succes lately. 10 days. I'd like to share on that.
But first a little about me. Am a 5 years-and-counting clean drug addict and sober alcoholic, male, European/Scandinavian, and have had no succes whatsoever on the PA - until recently. I used to have a lot of lovers, used a lot of porn, and had girlfriends, who were just friends, but also very potential lovers. I succesfully quit the lovers and women a few years ago (it was tough! I ate dirt!) but porn and porn computer games just kept following me.
I know the fellowships and have had a higher power for a long time. I used prayers about every day and it always brings me back to sanity.

Please forgive me if I use words not allowed. I will try to behave.

I was sick of the whole deal for a long time (only I loved it when I was 'using'). I have a girlfriend, we've been together for some 1½ years, and have lived together for about 5 months. I hid my addiction from her for a while, but finally admitted to her, for two reasons: I don't have a computer of my own, and have used hers - she found out and got angry; secondly, I was just sick of hiding it. I also believe the dishonesty and naughty images kept me from feeling sexually attracted to her. We sure didn't touch each other for a few months.
But I wanted to quit really bad, so I confessed to her. At first, she thought it had something to do with her, and she offered suggestions ("turn off the computer when I'm not around" and so on,) however none of these worked on my mind. Finally I convinced her to download the K-9 software, and we had to modify it a bit, because it wouldn't allow some regular sites. She now has the password. I don't know it.

But clever old me found a way around this: video-streaming websites. Lots of half-naked women, doing arousing stuff. And K9 didn't catch it. I also found some sites with erotic novels and even social networking sites had allowed pictures and videos. I used these for a while. After about a month, I had some kind of revelation.

I don't know what happended. I was sick of the whole deal for the 9,847,809th time, and was AGAIN reading about how to break a 'bad habit', which it is to me. I think I can learn to live without it, find something better to replace it with. I don't think of it as a sickness or illness, because if it is, then I'm sick. And I'm not. If I was sick, I needed special treatment from people. I don't. I require ordinary, normal treatment.
I also believe that if I can become just a little more sane (by not using for a long period of time) then I may be able to look at the whole porn thing with easier, saner eyes and conclude something new and more stable.
I think I read something on WikiHow, when it hit me. When using porn, I was trying to relieve stress. Life somehow stressed me out. I knew that I went site surfing when I was lonely, angry, sad, happy, you know, all these emotions. So I said to myself: "What if I found a better way to ease down on the stress level?"
Research began. I could make myself a cup of tea, sit back, put a blanket on my feet, put some nice music on, do some easy chores, eat a banana and some kiwis and grapes and go to bed early. Ditch my energy-sucking non-inspiring friends. Talk to my girlfriend. Cook a nice meal. Learn something new. Look at the trees outside the window. If I'm angry, play an angry computer game online, so I can kill it. And so I started.

First, it was just one day. Easy, have done that before. On the second day, I was very tempted. So I read (I think on WikiHow again) that I could hang a rubber band around my wrist, and then snap it every time I considered doing the bad thing. I'm usually against self-punishment, but I was at a point where I would try anything. And I didn't snap the rubber band hard, just hard enough to feel it, to acknowledge it. I would do this while working (as a mailman) every time I considered using porn 'later' (which means when I came home, before my girlfriend would come home.)
The first day I used it, I think I snapped it like 7 times. The second third (my third day not using) I snapped it about 4 times. The next day I forgot the rubber band after my shower, so I pinched my wrist instead. About 2 or 3 times. The day after that, on the ride home, I realized I had not used the rubber band or pinched myself - because I had not concidered using porn!
Incredible! And when I came home on those days, I sat down, pulled off my work clothes, used the internet ordinarily, and DIDN'T CONSIDER SURFING FOR PORN.

These 10 days of not using is the longest I've gone in YEARS. It crosses my mind a few times a day, but the same thing happened when I stopped doing drugs and drinking. It will go away almost completely in time, if I work it.

But of course I had to test it. So I went to a net café nearby and opened a page with some of the porn games. And I looked at a few. But it was a bland experience. It was like a voice said: "You've done this before. You've already been here. There's nothing for you here anymore." I soon pressed the x in the corner. It was like I had to see, you know? Stick my hand into the flame. But there was nothing there.
It's strange to me; I can't say I fully understand. But it doesn't matter: I'm doing great!

The first few days I felt really empty inside, (I knew I would) so I made lists of old chores that I had skipped, and did a lot of those. Very productive. As days went on, I stopped doing so many chores and adopted more of my old energy level. Today, for instance, I've been at work for about 9 hours, made my girlfriend dinner, read some stuff online (mostly music news) and wrote a few emails. A few days ago, I told a buddy of mine that I needed some time away from him (he's quite the negative sort - lotta talk, no action). All of these things have given me momentum. I now use the momentum to write you, to give something, maybe someone can use it. I'm not one for giving advice, but the main thing that got me further that ever before - is being good to myself.

I want to be good to myself. I really do. And using porn makes me feel worse. Of course I knew that already. But as time goes by, my non-using body feels it even deeper and helps me stay on track. I will not use today. Tomorrow is something else. I like the thought of just not using today. It's comforting. I feel good right now.

[futurehope]

Thanks... a great story. It confirms something I have started to realise myself - that putting more energy into doing stuff for others and less into pleasing myself (in general), helps to get involved in life again and let go of the fantasies.

Being good to yourself - what a great point. Like, what if instead of looking at some P, we just had a good break, a bath, a cup of tea, or just lay in the sun. Rather than being driven to achieve stuff all the time, to "get somewhere", just giving ourselves a break and having a rest? Realising that using P is not "being good to ourselves", but the opposite, actually putting even more anxiety-inducing pressure on ourselves.

[Campy]

Thanks Mindtech, I really enjoyed your first post. I agree with futurehope, I really like the idea of being good to yourself, as opposed to trying to stop yourself from doing something bad. When you frame it as trying to stop yourself, it almost takes on a nagging persona. That can be very draining. I like thinking that I am being good to myself, giving me the opportunity to better myself and improve my surroundings. Then its almost like you're getting a gift. I think this is sort of along the lines of people saying that you should think of P as something you are "giving up" - that connotes a sacrifice. Really, P is an emotional drain and an incredibly negative influence. By "letting go" of P, we are actually giving more to ourselves. More time, more health, more in our relationships, more productivity, more skills, more awareness.

Thanks for your post, Mindtech. Welcome to TTF.

Campy

[want2change]

Welcome,

Great story - and you are right - there are other ways for us to deal with stress and other coping mechanisms - it's been 11 days for me and yes, it's the longest I've gone too - we are in this together - visit here often and doesn't your mind already feel clearer and focused even after only 10 days? Wow, I can't imagine all I can achieve this coming year being PF! Thanks for your story.

[Mindtech]

Thanks for yours posts, people. I'm very happy that my 'revelation' rings a bell with other people. Being good to oneself may not be the final solution (what do I know??) but it makes me capable of putting some distance and clean time down, and that it what I was looking for, for starters.

I have had serious tension these last couple of days. Have had a job as a mailman, and of course it's been good because it kept me off the computer during the day. Now however, I've quit the job.

Reasons for quitting are as follows: (I hope writing this will relieve some of the stress!)
Management gave only negative feedback to everybody (do this, you forgot that, a customer complained, it's very important that you...)
Management interrupted all question (you know the all-knowing sort) and as a result the team had to ask questions standing together, because individuals were ignored
Management messed up my paycheck twice in a row... first time they paid me for some made-up cheap days and forgot the overtime, next time they paid me half. On several occations I was asked to sign a paper saying that I worked 2 hours for free, and a buddy of mine was cheated of 15 minutes of pay every day for months. I just didn't trust them anymore
Morale was very low. People kept complaining (a german buddy kept saying sheisse this sheisse that, if anyone knows what that means)
People would quit and/get fired and noone in the team would know for days. We just assumed that the person in question had taken some days off, until someone asked "When is X coming back?" And management would say "Oh, he quit last friday."
Management changed the way mail was handled, so that instead of having one bag of mail and one bag of adds, we would have 2 different bags of mail plus the adds, and on some days 2 bags of different adds as well. So imagine walking in rain and 5 degress trying to sort out 4 different bags of deliveries with your icy fingers. Explanation for this was: "Management bought an expensive mail-handling machine. We can't afford not to use it."

Yes, I've read Dilbert!

Quitting leaves me with 2 very important things on my to-do list:
Get another job
Handle being around the computer during the day

I'm really happy for these last about 12 days of not using. There's a certain distance to the porn now, and it's MUCH easier to think twice (you bet I thought twice a couple of times yesterday, after the little chat with my x-boss).

It's all about being good to myself. Right now it's early morning, I'm wearing my pyjamas pants, drinking of cup of nice warm tea, and I have every option available. There are better jobs to be had, and I can find new ways of being good to myself today. Leaving that job had to happen at some point anyway.