So confused...

[i hate what i did]

I stopped looking at P around July this year and came out and told my SO about it around a week later and ever since we've been having constant arguments about this and I can't seem to be able to explain to her that this was not her fault. I don't want her to blame it on herself but that seems to be all she can do sometimes. How can I show her I love her and I didn't do this because she wasn't good enough (she was more than good enough)? She thinks I wanted to look at P, and at first I probably did, but that was before I knew her. Before I knew what it was like to be completely in love and actually happy. We've been together for a year and 10 months and it was happening for a year and a half of that time but I hated every single time I ever even thought about P in any way. I just did'nt know how to stop. I tried several times but I always went back to it eventually. I just couldn't get away from it and I hated that. I just wish I could show her that this has hurt me too, that shes not alone in her pain. I want her to know I love her and I always have loved her and I'm sorry that this happened to us. I want her to know that she is what I want and she is more appealing to me than any P I ever looked at, that every time I looked at P I would have rather been spending time with her. I do hate what I did because it is tearing us appart. I wish I could go back and stop it all before it started happening, because now all I can do is hope and pray that she won't leave me and that we can be happy again. Even happier now that I'm not looking at P anymore and I'm not lying anymore. Any help would be much appreciated so what has happened to so many other PAs and their SOs won't happen to us because honestly, I do love her, and it breaks my heart to know that I did this horrible, disgusting, unforgiveable thing to her.=((

[Newman]

I'm going to humbly suggest that if you have decided to get rid of porn in order to repair your relationship with your SO, you will probably start using it again once the relationship is "back to normal." Would you want to get rid of porn if your SO wasn't in the picture? What if she decides to break off the relationship, are you still going to get rid of porn? I think its great to get rid of porn but I think your motivation ought to be for your benefit regardless of your relationship with your SO. If you are serious about getting rid of porn for the right reasons, with the resources on this site and on other sites you'll be able to put together a recovery plan, put it into practice and find out what works and what doesn't. Once you start working your plan and your SO sees that you are serious about getting rid of porn, she may become supportive. I hope so. But if she doesn't, you ought to stay with your plan and get rid of the porn. You'll be better off without it. Good luck.

[i hate what i did]

Well, I realise that it's a bad thing to be doing even when I'm not in a relationship. I did'nt before but I do now. I'm not doing this all for her, I just never really realised how much it was hurting me until I saw how much it was hurting her. So really, I'm doing this for both of us. She just gave me the motivation to get started.

[livada]

Hello IHWID (if I may call you like that):)

Kindly know you're welcome to our oasis for recovery - it indeed is. Every time I feel the need to strengthen my resolve, I come here to drink water of reality. Thank God for this opportunity.

Also know that most of the PA-s here (if not all) feel very similarly about their broken (or) damaged relationships; they wish they had never ever accessed a single image.

Yet, the reality is there, it hurts, but we must be men not cowards in regard to this fight; its do-or-die indeed, and we have no choice but to prevail. God willing!

Once again, a belated welcome to our (and now, yours) community.:)

[Glass_of_water]

Hi, I hate what I did,

Your situation sounds rather similar to the situation my husband and I are going through. So I will give you my perspective as the SO.

For every one hundred times my husband told me that I was beautiful, he looked at P a thousand times which made me feel like I was not good enough.

For every truth he told me he told me 10 lies.

For every time he turned me away, he accepted them 5 times.

The maths is not great and the outcome is never going to be positive when a woman adds the numbers together.

For you the women might be nothing compared to your partner, but your partner will feel like you continued to pick them over her, and wonder how she is supposed to compete.

And as for both people within the relationship feeling pain, my husband inflicted his own pain, he could have done something to stop it, yet he chose not to. I had no control over the pain the P has caused me, and I have no control when he slips up and I have to relive it.

My post is probably a little blunt because I am going through my husband slipping up again after being P free for months, so again I am having to understand why the P won, and I feel like the loser...

[Newman]

I think the sad reality is that once trust is broken it is very hard to repair. Too many of us didn't realize how precious it was. I didn't. If you are a religious person you might try The Love Dare. The book costs $10.00 and is used in the movie "Fireproof." Although I haven't seen the movie I understand that one of the problems in the marriage between the main characters is porn. The book suggests different ways over the course of 40 days to express your love for your spouse. Good luck.

[i hate what i did]

Thank you all guys. It makes me feel so much better knowing that there are other people out in the world fighting for the same thing I am. I am so glad that now I have a community of people that will stand by my side through this. I thank you all so much for the help you've given me already and the help I'll undoubtedly recieve in the future. :)