Clean but depressed

[nomore]

I now have K9 installed my has the password (my idea) so I can't do anything to alter the settings. Now that the program is installed and working I have no desire to seek out P (I tried last night but only to test the system and it blocked everything) I guess I'm thinking of it as similar to being in an internet cafe, I know that I can't look for P there so I don't even think about it.

Last night I sent my wife an email (she goes to bed earlier and gets up a lot earlier than me) telling her that the software was working fine and I thought that would help put her mind at rest, instead I get a ranting response about how we haven't had sex for ages and a load of other crap (she later apologized)

Anyway I don't know if it's that or fact the blocker is in place I feel so depressed this morning, is this like a chemical thing where my brain knows it's not going to get that rush any more? (serotonin?) If so does that mean I have to go through some period of adjustment?

[Dominus]

Yes, Yes, Yes! Emphatically Yes! I went through exactly the same thing, I was depresses, I felt I was losing my libido, angry, irritable... Our minds are so messed up with the rubbish we have fed them that it takes some time to work it through the system. From my own experience I was depressed for a few months - maybe as much as six, but I feel much happier recently eventhough I am still fighting this. Let your wife vent her feelings, they have put up with so much from us.

Be careful not to give up. its easy when we feel down to think "what the heck" and relapse, but make a pact with yourself to ride out the storm, you won't regret it. If you need encouragement just post here or send a message to someone here you can relate to.

[nomore]

Thanks, I wasn't sure what was wrong with me. Although the prospect of this lasting for months is not appealing, I can't relapse though because I don't have the means to, that was why I installed K9 so that even if I was desperate for P I wouldn't be able to look at any.

I've tried other things like accountability software but they didn't work so I thought the only way to beat this was to cut off the supply.

As for DVD's or magazines I haven't got the nerve to buy one so that's not a problem (that was the thing about the internet, it was quick, easy and mostly private) basically I have no access to any questionable material. Which is what I want but I hate the way that I feel right now but I have no choice but to stick with it.

and yes you're right about my wife, she has put up with a lot of crap from me.

[dave]

I have just hit 6 mo clean so I want to encourage you that it can be done.

It was hard for me at the start. Initially I suffered a withdrawl. Depression was part of it. It took me awhile but a gradually caught on to the difference between quitting and recovery:
- I finally disclosed to one friend. That was good.
- It led to an SAA contact and I mustered up all my courage and attended a meeting. That proved very useful and despite a 90 minute one way drive I try to attend weekly.
- At a meeting I heard about a counselor who knows this recovery field and I began seeing her.
- That was another GREAT blessing. I could finally begin to see what lay in the roots of my addicion and how working through the withdrawl emotions was helping me.

Now I am much more settled. I have my down days but many great days. I have perspective on my recovery. I can see how I got to where I am and I can see some of the recovery path ahead. Mostly I have gained a confidence that I can stay clean and that I can make it through the odd rough stretch without my old crutch.

Hope this helps a little

Take care
Dave

[Daniel]

BRAVO DAVE!

The proof is in the pudding. It sounds like the place you are in now is much easier, "settled" as you say. The 'other way' of endless quick fixes never really worked. But isn't it amazing that until we leave it far behind we can't understand that simple observation!?

More beautiful with every minute free from the old entanglements!

Daniel

(I have really appreciated your encouragement)

[Newman]

Nomore,
You are doing the right things. I, too, took steps to make computer access to porn almost impossible. I'm glad I did because otherwise I would have relapsed. I'm not above buying a magazine or a DVD (I've done it hundreds of times before) but that no longer seems to be a problem for me. I'm writing to tell you that just by getting rid of porn your life is getting better. No matter what else happens in your life, it is better without the porn. Once I got rid of this filth I began enjoying life much more, mostly my relationships with those around me, especially my wife. Friendships are more precious and even strangers and acquaintances have something to offer. You should be encouraged by the action you've taken thus far. Keep it up, things will get better and better, its always better without porn.

[the_addict30253]

I have been reading about this addiction and I have never thought that it could be true. My wife is telling me that I have PA and I thought that she was out of her mind. But I do and now reading all this is making it more real. You can be addicted to anything even P and now I want to take the necessary steps to overcome this addiction.

I really love my wife, she is the light of my world. Now I am faced with the fact that I might possibly lose her and I don't know what I would do if that happened. I am so glad that I found this sight because now I feel that I will have the support that I need to get through this situation.

About the buying of P at a store...what I realize that I do is go to a far away store that I feel no one knows me and I don't really care that knows I am buying P and get it there.

And don't worry nomore...my wife gets on me for the same thing of not having sexual relations with her also. I think that has alot to do with my addictions but it actually started a long time ago when I was still a child. My parents were very strict and religious. So much that I could not hardly do anything. Now I might be telling my age a little here but I guess my addiction started when I ran across Benny Hill on TV. Every since then I had to view P. I would sneak up very late at night when I knew everyone was sleeping and during that time you had the televisions that made an awful noise when you turned it on...so I would pull the handle back really slow to reduce the noise that it made and go straight to the channel that my show ( Benny Hill) was on and watch it. I guess the show was on for an half hour or so and I would be glued to the tv.

I think I need to get the K9 thing and place it on my computer also so that I will not be tempted to view P online anymore either. I also want to Congratulate us all for trying to overcome our addiction and wish everyone the best.

[Rowlf]

Hey Nomore and The_addict,

It's great that you're here, know that you've got a problem and committed to doing something about it!

I've found K9 very useful - especially the time limit feature as late at night has been a real danger time for me. Being a computer geek at heart I do know if I spend enough time I could get around stuff, but just having that box pop up and say to me "no more surfing tonight - it's too dangerous for you" has been very reassuring. The earlier I can stop myself from moving in that P surfing direction the better because those driven, addictive feelingd feed upon each other and just get stronger the longer I indulged. Now I just see the filter, and stop.

Use the journals here so people can help you. Read others journal for encouragement and post as often as you feel like it. It really helps.

Good luck in making this change!

[willimakeit]

hey nomore, i hope u get thru your depression stage. K9 seems like a good idea. i think i might check it out. thought i'd come on here to check the site out 'cos i can feel that feeling in the back of my head. tried giving up PA and failed too many times to count, so i know this whole feeling really rubbish is gonna come soon. gonna make a major try this time to see if i can fight thru it. finding TTF is great 'cos at least there's people on here who're going thru the same thing. every other time i've tried to stop i've tried to do it on my own.

i can kinda relate the the_addict. i got into watching late night tv programs when i was younger. might be seen as a bit of harmless fun when i started but it's completely messed me up as i've been getting into harder and harder stuff as time's gone on.

i hope you beat your PA! good luck :)

[samy]

Hey guys, just dropping a quick note to say thanks for the K9 idea. I just installed it and am about to reboot my computer to start it up. :)