since-'coming out' to my wife for a second time, our life is slowly unravelling. She is completely devastated that I am still acting out because I promised her it was over. Last night, we sat in the car in the cold rain for 3 hours with her pouring out all this hurt I've given her, and basically telling me what a complete weakling and shit that I am. Then home and awake at 4am for more-I am a shell of a man now, and I have taken away her love for me.
She does not know if she want to be with me anymore. She feels she has only given to me over 25years and I have generally only taken. The PA is only one part of it all. All her past hurt is now coming out, as if it is pay back time for me-and I never knew all these things-she didn't ell me. She feels used and abused-and numb. I have killed so much-she says I've never loved her-(which is so untrue) and has blocked out all the greatness we have had in our relationship over the years-leaving me-and us- at ground zero.
She has always loved me and has thought I am the greatest husband and father-no one could ever take care of her as well as me or knows her better. But now she knows a part of me-a black one which has been my secret. I am evil, sick, perverted and have not thought of our children and how it could affect them if anyone found out. She tells me I am on my own and that I have alot to atone for.
My ability to deal with this has got better, but I have still lapsed too often. I am now giving her my phone bills (although I've never done anything with my phone), getting accountability software, getting rid of my home laptop. She even wants me to tell someone else-a friend-so they can see the truth about me.
I have damaged so much with this, and hurt the best person in my whole life who has always loved me.
What can I do to salvage this? Is there hope? She has none but doesn't want me to leave because of the kids. Can any spouses (women) give me some insight here-I am desperate to hold my life together and heal my wife and protect my kids.
I am no woman however, I would like to comment on your situation. Since I have gotten married I have made sure that my wife knows that I have struggled with pornography. I know that I have broken her trust and more
excruciating, her heart. I am learning that the only way that I will be able to salvage our marriage is to stop viewing and mb. My heart is with you and may God give you the strength to overcome this difficulty you struggle with.
I do not feel I am in the greatest position to offer the best advice currently, but I really do feel for you, and can relate in many ways to your post.
I think the first step to gaining control of you life you have already taken, namely acknowledging it. I have denied it, lied about it, and made it very trivial. But once it really hits you that you are hurting someone, realisation really kicks in. I dont think the same things help everyone, and ultimatley only you can help yourself. You know your weaknesses, you know when your mind wanders and what your triggers are.
I am new to this site, and been the literal slap in the face and punch in the heart is still fresh from a few days ago, when my Wife confronted me 'again'. It is time to step up, and the support here is brilliant. I have blocked 2 machines that i have access to so i can view or even try to view anything. I keep myself busier, Boredem is the biggest trigger for me.
I will ask my wife if she can offer you some words and answers to any questions you may have, It is ultimatley her support and understanding in this, that is giving me the strength to sort myself out. and be a 'real man'
i think women find it hard to understand because they have different sexual makeup. Could you ask your wife to join this forum, maybe if she sees just how hard others are struggling she may be a bit more sympathetic.
Traveller, this is 'Mrs Foolish Mind', my husband told me about ur situation and all I can say is, to get through this you need your wifes support and understanding. I joined this site cos I needed to get help for my husband and put our relationship back on track.
I personally found it very hard to talk to anyone reg. my husbands problem, cos its embarassing for both of us.So I kept it all bottled upinside me and this made me change as a person, I became this very insecure,unconfident and miserable person.
I do feel for your wife and totally understand what she is going through,and both of you as a couple are going through.Its not easy and I cant imagine her putting up with it for so many years.She is a very strong woman,who loves you whole heartedly.And you are lucky to have someone like that.
I felt every single thing your wife felt, everytime I found out about my husbands PA but then I used to cry and shout and make him promise me that he would never do this again.As you would know,he never kept his promise and ended up hurting me more and more.Iam just talking about 5 years of my life, whereas its 25years in your wifes case. I can never imagine myself doing it for 25 years and I admire her for that.
The best advice I got from this site was that I should write exactly how I feel and let my husband know. And also to make him want to stop his habit not do it because I said so.Thats exactly what I did,I wrote a long email about how I felt and how his actions were affecting me and also how I didnt want him to stop his addiction cos of me but only cos he wants to.It seems to be helping us quite a bit.Its only been 6 days but we are progressing bit by bit.Iam gonna take one step at a time and support him all throughout.
So the best thing you could ask for is for your wife to join this site and for her to find out that she is not alone.And that you, er husband is actually pouring your heart out and trying to get your problem sorted cos you do love and never want to lose her for something like this. Happy marriages are very rare and when you got a good thing going dont let something as worthless as PA ruin it.
Talk to your wife and let her see for herself.She is a strong person and Iam sure she will understand.
Hi everyone,
Inshi is absolutely right in saying that one does require support from his/her spouse this makes things ten times easier. You have to have a word with your wife and make her understand that you are doing your best and also she needs to understand that occasional slips will be there but that's when a PA is the most vulnerable and needs support, if someone treats him with a scorn at that moment then he would get defensive and might say a few words he/she shouldn't have as a result relationships get sore.
So traveller you do need to speak to your wife and make her understand what exactly you have been going through.
Reading Hallows, Dominus, etc. posts, I have to agree with them, is there any way you can have here sign up here, or another site, and read more about PA? It would give her some good insight I think.
Good luck Traveller, try to be strong today.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Gandhi
Falling Apart -
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