Hello, I too struggle

[Brand]

I would like to say hello as I am new to this website. I have struggled with PA for almost 20 years. My father passed away when I was about 10yrs old and shortly after fell into the grips of pornography. As I was growing up, I was on the outside an active member of our church, fooling everybody that I was good kid, but on the inside I was screaming bloody murder. I felt like I had no control of myself and worst of all, spiritually I was a mess. As I reached out to my spiritual leader I found some relief and also that I was prepared to serve a 2 year mission for my church. During those 2 years I still suffered from the minor temptations of PA but was able to ignore them basically because I was too busy and plus being assigned a companion for 24 hrs/day 7 days a week, there was no real opportunity. However, as soon as I got back from my mission I started once again as one of my brothers was able to get free cable along with adult channels. Since then I have been through a couple of counselors and spiritual leaders to guide my through the difficulties with no avail. However, from Dec. 2006 - Dec. 2007 I was Porn free. Unfortunatley with the stress of getting a new job, my wife being pregnant, trying to look for a house I felt the urges coming back stronger than before and hence I relapsed at work. (no internet at home or anything else bad) I WAS CRUSHED and extremely upset, I thought to myself that I am never going to get over this, but then I watched the movie "A Beautiful Mind" which taught me a great lesson This addicition will be with me for the rest of my life no matter how bad I do not want it to be, but I need to have the strength to ignore the impules and also that I can never let my gaurd down again. I can not think to myself that I can rest from the lifestyle change that I need to make and still not feel that the PA and MB will come back. It is day ONE, and luckly it is a new DAY! I look forward to sharing and accepting your help.

God Bless!

[021hallows]

Hi Brand,

Welcome to the board, I am sure U will find enough support here...
You said that your addiction is there for you lifetime but as per my experience I would say if you keep on fighting and stay on guard you will find things get easier... I have been a porn addict myself and am still struggling but thing are easier right now as compared to say a few years ago.
To start off with I would suggest you to start counting the days you stay without watching porn, you can do it right here by start your journal and make sure that you post every day about the triggers and how you managed to stay away...


Peace

[Brand]

Well, i am on day 2 of no accidents. I feel pretty good but I still feel very cautious. However, what made me feel the best is when I told my wife and seeing the happiness in her smile. It is still a long haul but I am committed overcome this battle. I need to have an optomistic outlook everyday and avoid anything that remotely could trigger a bad thought. I am so glad I have somewhere to go where other people are dealing with the same thing.

Thanks Again

[Light]

Congrats on day 2 Brand, that is an accomplishment! There was a time for me when 2 days seemed like forever to go without looking at P.

You are doing great to focus your extra time and energy into you wife and relationships. Doing nice things for others really helps us get our mind off our own problems.

Do you have a plan in place for your recovery? Have you made any changes to your habits or routine?

Keep it up!

[Brand]

Previously, I never really thought of it as an addiction, I thought of it as a problem. I knew that my low self esteem and easy going personality had its roots in PA, but I never accepted I guess, the idea that it was an addiction. All I was trying to do is just stop! For a time I would try to start a new routine but would never be able to follow through additionally, i wanted to do it on my own without including others for help. I think this time around I have accepted the fact that my life is slowly spiraling out of control despite the control I thought I had.

I have not yet made a plan but I know the first step is attending meetings and seeing my counselor. But I know that I need to make a plan if I want to see some real changes in my life. I am tired of feeling like I am worth nothing and that I cannot do anything right!

Day 3