second steps

[traveller]

Hi ~All

I am new to this forum and have been trying to recover for some years now. was once part of another forum and drifted away back into the abyss.

I have struggled with sexual issues over the years and particularly PA over the past 4. I am a professional, married for almost 25 yrs with 2 teenage kids.

The root of my probs., like many of you, were through a dysfunctional childhood-alcoholic father, clingy depressed mother-brother in jail etc. etc. Have had alot of therapy over the years and have grown alot, but my core issues-those which result in my PA still remain.

I have had a 'secret' life of acting out and masturbation since my teenage years, which has continued into my marriage and adult life. I 'came out' to my wife a few years ago when I discovered she had an affair with her boss. I almost used the revelation to get back at her, but realise now it was more a cry for help and not wanting to hide anymore. At that point, I was sometimes surfing and acting out for several hours a day in my office, as I worked alone.

We did couple therapy, through alot of pain and both realised we had a role in what happened to both of us. I wasn't really there for her emotionally, although she had been there for me for years supporting me through my issues.

I stopped acting out for several months-had some therapy, but then slowly started drifting back. The main difference is that I MB less but still looked. It was as if there was some moral guard up, which kept me often from going all the way. Often I couldn't even have an orgasm when I did so. Maybe in reality it was just my was of thinking it was okay to do what I did.

I always thought we had a reasonably good sex life, but that my wife never wanted it enough, or was difficult to 'get going'. I now realise that really I probably wasn't 'there' for her and she felt this subconsciously. Often, if I felt rejected, I turned to porn, but then I even used it when sex was good. Through all the healing from her affair, I lead her to think I had stopped all this-which I had to some extent. But in reality, I deceived her and lied and promised I was okay.

Now it is the third time that my problem has come out and she is again let down. She says she will not take it anymore and I have to stop. I really want to but fear I don't have the strength. We love one another so much, and I am sick with myself and what I have done over the years and how much I've hurt her.

Please give me some advice-I want so much to grow-to move forwards-to leave my past behind me.!!

[021hallows]

Hi Traveller,

All i would like to say is that the sufferings you've faced though these years should be a reason strong enough for you to quit now. You have to realize that by not quitting porn you would be wasting your efforts as well as your wife's for just hanging in there.

Peace

[traveller]

hi-thanks for reply

agreed that this is a reason to quit now, but my fear is that i will slip back as before and really fear not having the strength to stay away. Even more I fear losing the best thing in my life, which are my wife and family.

[Dominus]

Hi traveller, i believe the longer you have the problem the more difficult it is to beat as it becomes ingrained in your personality. As time goes on it is easy to become complacent and then it creeps back in at a moment of weakness. You may always be a porn addict so the only way that you can beat it is by 24/7 vigilance preferably with your wifes help. I following are big helps:-
1) put the computer in a public place where others can see you using it,
2) Enlist a mature friend to encourage you regularly
3) Develop a habit of inmediately turning off or away from nudity or whatever triggers you in posters, tv, magazine shelves, pop ups etc without thinking about it.
4) push tantalizing thoughts out of your head quickly.
5) Dont destroy yourself if you fail, count your successes not your failures.

Hope this helps

[021hallows]

Hi traveller,

What Dominus has mentioned may look tough but if you really want to make sure that you don't revert back then some rigorous efforts are required. 24/7 vigilance may not be required but try to stay in a company whenever you are free. Make a note of all triggers and avoid them consciously.
Stay strong, don't give into any temptations as such. Its just a moment where you go weak and all your efforts go in vain so you have to be strong all the time.
Trust me, its not all that tough

Peace

[traveller]

Hi all and thanks for the advice. I have had a horrible last 3-4 days of dialogue and anger etc. with my wife. she is so angry and hurt 'cause I lied and told her I had stopped.

Although I have been so much better over the last year I'm still caught. She is even more hurt because of how I've gone into myself with this-being selfish and 'acting like a child'..

Sadly, this is a problem which has stemmed form my childhood. My going into myself is an age old self-protection mechanism where I shut down my emotions, but then can't even help her out. I have hurt her.

She has asked me to give up my laptop-wipe it and give it to my son to use. I am in process of doing this. He is thrilled, but doesn't quite know why.

I will have to work at office more to 'keep it out of our home'. She has asked for all my mobile bills-I've never done anything like this or used my web-phone, but have given her my online access to phone bills so she can see. She also wants software on my work computer. I am looking into this, but one I had in past I just 'got around'.. I have seen one called 'Covenant Eyes' which has 'accountability'. I don't want to get around this and I am now ready to be accountable and she seems more ready to help me.

Any more advice or experience would be greatly appreciated.

I AM FED UP WITH MYSELF AND THAT I HAVE CARRIED ON THIS COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR MOST OF MY LIFE. I AM SELFISH AND HAVE HURT THE PERSON CLOSEST TO ME AND HAVE TO WIN HER BACK OR SHE WILL LEAVE ME. MY LAST CHANCE TO GROW UP-I AM ALMOST 50!!

[Light]

I haven't tried Covenant Eyes. Has anyone here? It would be interesting to hear about this, if it works it might be worth a try.

Keep it up Traveller. The last paragraph says a lot, I'm right there with you man. After about 15 years of this sh*t on and off, I'm ready to move on. Yesterday I messed up and I'm pretty bummed about it, I'd really like this to be the only time in 2008 that it happens.

Just a thought, as you pass your laptop onto your son, you may want to teach him about the dangers of the internet, and possibly even put a filter on it. It was my dad's first laptop (handed down to me) that got me in trouble. It was a dinosaur, but I still figured out how to tap into the porn. I expect kids these days to be even more resourceful and it's so much easier to find. Makes me worry about having kids

[Dominus]

Traveller, I have ceased kidding myself that I can beat this thing by will power alone, sometimes you can go for days, weeks or even months, but sooner or later some combination of circumstances cause a fall. An alchohlic wouldnt be helped by having bottle of spirits lying around the house or a smoker by having cigarettes at home, this is no different so the less temptations around then the greater your chance of success.