My world is crashing

[futurehope]

Thanks. I think you raise some important issues. I think if there's a problem in a partnership both partners should probably put some thought into how they have contributed to the problem. And an unreasonable perfectionism, judgmentalness and unforgivingness from the partner may, in some cases, be part of the cycle of P use.

That kind of anger and upset has two components... the action which precipitated it, and the expectations and ideals of the person who has become so angry and upset. Tough one....I don't want to belittle the feelings of hurt that SOs have, but in some cases, it seems like they may be being a little judgmental and self-righteous, and not self-reflective enough about the situation. Every situation is different, of course...depends on the degree of the deception and the neglect of the relationship. Sometimes, the PA just needs to stop being so damned selfish!

[flame2amoth]

TI, I hope your still reading and I hope your situation is working out with you partner. I just had to add a few things to the rest of the views on porn = adultrey.
Going thru this, as is in any trauma, first and foremost makes you do a huge reality check...and maybe, just maybe, finding out that your partner is into porn, puts you into a "shock" affect...kinda like, a bad accident, and your body shuts down in order to cope. And by the way, is there any wonder why part of that "shut down" doesnt involve questioning what you thought was real. "Re-acting" to an emotional blast and going into shock is norm I would say. This is not to say that SO's that dont have this sort of "shock" reaction is abnormal...just thinking that it seems, more normal to go into "shock". "Shock" doesnt necessarily mean low self-esteem, just as porn is not necessarily commiting adultrey. I dont know...maybe emotional shock can be compared to Grief.
I am committed to searching all possibilities of how I am dealing with my "shock". I have even looked at cultural aspects...for example, I am Christian, in a Christian society...but if I was born and raised in China...Africa, etc...what would I be...probably close to whatever the norm is in that culture. I understand that sex is viewed in many different ways too...in different cultures...but, mercy, I digress here.
I will admit that as a SO, I took on the same "shock" reaction that TI's and most SO's take on...the whole gambit of why's.
The reality is, not necessarily that porn = adultrey...its that porn=adultrey is what we( a whole lot of us). as SO's, take on..its our reality. And that initial shock cascades to any number of different connections to our life. I will also admit , that my personal self-esteem has never been perfect....but it was a damn site better than *post-porn*. One of the things my husband has mentioned is that he misses my self-confidence....dang, I miss it too, and Im striving to get it back. A couple of things Im thinking about doing, is getting counseling and preparing to leave...cause I dont want to be an enabler nor co-dependent, and I dont want to be in this hellish place of depression. I dont know whether I will stay or go...and will try desperately to stay in a place of free will...and wanting the same for my husband...do what you do...stop what you stop because you know what you have learned and what you will gain or lose....choices..we both have them. One of my biggest downfalls is that I have a hard time with forgive/forget stuff, and I know this....
I am trying my best to do a honest inventory of all that I am feeling and doing....
How long does emotional, intimate shock lasts...I am the wrong person to ask...do I think that my husband commits adultrey via porn....it seems to meet the criteria..but more importantly...it meets my criteria...and all though I do not sleep alone, I dream my own dreams and have my own nightmares....
I do appreciate and respect...more than you'll ever know, the perspectives I have read on TTF. I hope TI, that you will glean your own reality and take ownership of how this has played out...and the use of this support group is truly valuable to acknowledge your own journey and the journey of your partners...Blessings, Marti

[willimakeit]

hey TI, just wanted to add a few things on here.

i don't completely agree with crispy's view that P doesn't = cheating. if i found out my gf was watching P without my knowledge and getting off on it i'd be slightly pissed off, or if i take that a step further, if she was actually there but not taking part. i guess if i knew of it before hand, before i started having a relationship with her then that would be cool, otherwise i maybe wouldn't be with her in the first place if not. finding out something about your partner that you didn't already know at the start doesn't always have the best results. i also think that using sex and the city as an example against P isn't the best argument either as i don't see them as being anywhere near the same thing. there might be a suggestion of sex but u never see the actual thing. to me, it's like comparing FHM to a hard core P magazine. at last FHM or magazines like them have a degree of semi-intelligent writing :p

i do think that marriage is about working things out, and if u really want it to work out i think it'll take effort from both sides. good luck in working it out. :)

[pornhater]

I don't know what sort of P your wife found. But I sincerely don't understand the attitude that some SOs have that P=cheating. Cheating involves seducing and developing a relationship with an outsider, and risking consequences like STDs and/or pregnancy outside the marriage.

For all its flaws and tragic consequences for sex workers P does not equal cheating. It does not involve a relationship with an outsider

Well if you take the Bible as a reference it says if you look into the eyes of a woman with lust then it's as if you've committed adultery.

From the very useful Articles section:

Matthew 5:27-28

"You have heard that it was said, "You shall not commit adultery." But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Porn does equal cheating and adultery yes, thought it is a very peculiar type of adultery. You are inviting another sexual being, or many, to touch you.

[Crispy]

I disagree with pornhater. Yes Christ said that. But feeling lust when your eye wanders walking down the street is not the same as using P. And using P is not the same as hooking up with a person outside of a marriage and cheating. The male brain is designed to respond to the beauty of the female form, and males are particularly tempted towards lust, porn, and perhaps even infidelity. But women who are overly abusive or disrespectful towards men for responding the way we do to the culture of lust around us aren't really helping themselves or their men be better people, IMHO.

And the point of Christ's testimony as detailed in Matthew's account of the Sermon on the Mount is specific. Christ is speaking of hypocrisy, and overzealous application of the law of Moses. He is speaking to the Pharisees and reminding them not to judge others, because yes, in the eyes of God our very thoughts are acts, our very beings are flawed, and we have to show forgiveness to others for having flawed beings. He who has not sinned, pick up the first stone. And women, unless they are frigid, have surely felt lust when seeing an attractive person at some point in their lives. Or read a racy romance novel, or maybe had short tempers, or whatever. Sometimes we all have to laugh at our faults, realize that we are all sinners, and get over it.

I stand by my opinion that women reacting to porn as if it were overt cheating is a somewhat negative and unproductive reaction to a human failing. Taking it personally is unwise. That doesn't mean porn isn't evil, nor does it mean that porn doesn't lead down a road towards use of escorts and what not. Or twisting of a healthy libido, or the obvious abusive impact on the actresses if you really study it. But if a woman acts like porn=cheating and acts unrealistically to something that probably affects 50% of men, and which they can't easily stop, then I think that woman is in for a bit of a reality check at some point.

I've been shocked really to hear just how many women see porn as cheating. I'm amazed. I mean, it's a film! These same women watch all sorts of racy, romantic seens in dramatic films and so forth. But they see their man slip and look at internet porn or something and they think it's armageddon. I'm glad I don't get it - my wife is super confident and couldn't care less, thank god. I'm glad I am here because I would like to be a better person, not because my wife wants me to be something else or takes my own spiritual challenges personally.