I hurt her because of this...

[bobjolly]

Hi everyone. I really don't know that I need "help" (maybe I do... They say denial is a sure sign you do..), but more of just a place to vent. I'm 19, and have been looking at porn since I was... Probably 12 or 13.. I've been in two serious relationships (I hit ten months with my girlfriend on the 3rd), and the girl I'm with (who we'll call Abby) is the girl I want to spend my life with. We've already started to plan our wedding!

Only problem is, from time to time I still look at porn. I used to do it several times daily, but when Abby found out about it (about three months ago), I promised her and myself that I would stop forever. Guys, the look on her face, and the tears in her eyes... My god, it killed me.

I was doing so well for so long, but about a month ago, I had a slip-up. I honestly don't remember what triggered it, what I looked at, but I know I did. I didn't "act" on anything (if you get what I mean), but I just looked at a few pictures. Now, I truly thought I had told Abby about it, but I found out tonight that I hadn't. We were talking about a conversation I had with her brother at work on Friday, and it led up to me mentioning something about how "I've only looked one time since that night, and I told you about it".. She got this look on her face and she said "No you didn't...." We started talking about it, and I realized I'd made a huge mistake.

I made a promise to her that I'd never do this dirty, nasty thing again, but I still did it. Now, I made her a promise several months ago that I wouldn't cut any longer, I had one regression, told her about it the next day, and promised her that was the last time, and to this day I still haven't cut. I've thought about it, but I haven't done it. That shows me I do have will-power, so I'm sure I'll be able to break free of this thing, but what can I do to try to help Abby believe me? How can I prove to her that I love her with my entire heart and that I will do anything to keep her in my life, especially if it means never looking at another website or movie again?

ANY help would be greatly appreciated. Heh.. Didn't I say I didn't need help? Guess I do afterall..

[Abbie]

Hi, and welcome to TTF.

I am the wife of a recovering PA and wish you all the best in your journey to quit!

Here are some links you should find useful to help answer the questions you have posed:

• Partners forum - TTF community forums
  (This is a forum specifically for partners of addicts (SOs)
• Journals for SO's - TTF community forums
  (Here is where the SOs document their stories)
• Regaining TRUST

If your girlfriend would like support through this with you, then she would also be very welcome here.