A Losing Battle

[justinian66]

Hello everyone. I am new to this site and its good to see that i am not the only one who suffers from this addiction. I'd like to say a few things so i can get them off my chest. Discussing the problem with other people, or even just writing it down, seems to help the recovery process. I'd like to begin by telling a little about my problem and what it has done to me. I can remember nearly every time I ever looked porn or MB, a most depressing fact. It began nearly five years ago, and it was the result of just being too curious and being in the wrong place, at the wrong time. I've tried countless times over the years to quit, using various methods and means to fight it, but i can never seem to overcome it. For a long time, i felt that whenever I looked at pornography or MB, i was cursed to suffer a depressing or difficult experience(s) the same or following day. When i was 16, a girl that i had had a crush on ever since elementary school, died. For days, i felt that her death was the punishment God had cursed me with for looking at pornography. Fortuneately, i was able to dispel this absurd idea from my mind after awhile. I even was able to resit the temptation for weeks after it too. However, the addiction returned, and nothing i did seemed powerful enough to defeat this addiction. Years later, i began dating a girl who was the best girlfriend a guy could ever ask for. With her around, i was able to resist the temptation for a few months. It seemed i had the pornography problem on the run. But the problem returned after a few months. This time around, however, the addiction spawned a new problem. I began to suffer from clinical depression, although at the time i wouldn't admit it. This depression (furthered by my addiction to pornography) took a serious toll on my life. My relationships with my friends, and girlfriend, suffered. I didnt even try to save my relationship with my girlfriend, the one thing that had brought me so much joy and happiness (not to mention the strength to resist the addiction) in my life. Months later, i finaly began seeing a counselor and began taking medication to treat my depression, and pornography problem, after countless and vivid thoughts of suicide began dominating my conciousness. At first, the counseling and medication seemed to be working. I was able to control my thoughts and desires, and once again, i thought i had this problem on the run. However, like so many times before, the problem returned. I have been in counseling and on medication for several months now, and i'm afraid that i'll never be able to get over this. I've asked my parents to put passwords and filters on my computer, and employ various defense mechanisms to prohibit me from feeding this addiction. But i always seem to find a way around these defenses in order to indulge myslef in this terrible thing. I know that it's possible to overcome depression, and this addiction, but this battle has been raging for almost five years now, and hope is fading fast. I just dont know what to do anymore. It terrifies me to say this, but i think i'm fighting a battle where the final outcome has already been decided: defeat.

[bob]

Hi justinian66,

What you've been through at a relatively young age would lead to depression and no doubt you are suffering.
One thing I would like to mention here, fighting any form of addiction is not very easy and it may stretch to lifetime but you don't have to be disheartened about it as there are millions fighting the same battle. Now the interesting thing is that you are fighting against your own urges, and win or loss is entirely upon you. This is not easy as you are trying not to be the person you've been for so long but if you can say "no" at the very moment you are the weakest, then you'll see that its not very difficult at all.

If you are not able to really resist your urges then no damn filters in world can resist you from doing things.

So you need to be strong and hang in there, and believe me its gets easier as it goes.

God be with you

Bob

[Dominus]

Hi Justinian, I have been there myself, but for longer, same filters - complete with workarounds, same feeling that I am being punished, same feeling that it is beyond my control, and I really truly from my heart feel for you. I am 40 years old, it all started with clothing catalogues with the girls in lingerie when I was a teenager and has steadily progressed ever since. Right now I am on day 13 since I last looked at porn, but I no longer think I can beat it, I know I cannot - at least not alone.... My best advise that I can give you is that you need to involve someone to help you on a day by day basis, in my case my wife. If you have no one then you need to consider serious methods like ridding yourself of the computer completely out of the house. - A drug addict wouldnt be aided to abstain if they kept looking at a packet of drugs on the mantelpiece. Also sometimes when I start to look at porn I make myself turn off the computer and clear the cache, then I feel proud of myself for having the willpower, a small victory. Pornography addiction is regarded by some as being more difficult to break free from than drugs or alchohol as you can continue to feed on mental images, if you start to have flashbacks change the subject quick even if you dont want to, when you think about past images the mental synaptic paths get re-inforced and the shorter time its in your brain the less damage it will do. If I can advise or help you in any way I am happy too, its really tough, I dont know how long I can manage myself, but every day is a victory for me and it can be for you too.