Communication

[Rhyme]

Hello everyone.

I've recently acknowledged my own addiction after almost 10 years of succumbing to the urges of the internet.

I've had one relationship for the majority of this time which has ended some time ago. This relationship wasn't very healthy to begin with - there was very little communication. I was still an addict, but my partner didn't know.

Today, I am in a very healthy relationship with someone I care deeply about. We've talked on several occasions about my use of P and how if affects each of us. I told my partner I would stop and was soulfully sorry for doing the things I did. When discussing the issue, I consistently under-estimated how many times I "used". Out of pure embarrassment I think I hid the truth.

My partner is away on vacation for two weeks and is returning in 3 days, Thursday. We live separately right now, and the two weeks leading up to her departure we stayed together and I was completely sober and very happy. When she left, I slipped again and started feeling very down. And, here I am.

I feel like I need to tell her, but also feel like I could be successful in conquering my addiction without her. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I can only give her my word that the choices I made were not due to her own actions.

I've been obsessing over this future conversation I may have and am nervous about what may happen. She is the most understanding person I've ever met, but I can't help but be a little nervous about the situation.

Has anyone been in a similar situation out there? Does anyone have any advice? Should I tell me girlfriend?

Thanks!

[James2]

You really have no choice but to tell her. It will be a good test of your relationship and what it can survive. We cannot avoid facing the consequences of our actions. It is a good incentive to stay clean knowing that we really can lose it all by acting out. I get this relationship is important to you.

Besides your girlfriend has the right to know whether she wants to continue in it. You have the right to know whether she is willing knowing the worst about you.

Secrets kill relationships. The truth makes them stronger. I realise it is scary to admit the truth but it is much better being honest than hiding the truth. You will be okay. Take care of yourself as well.

[Rhyme]

Thanks for the reply James2 - you have some good points. It wouldn't be worth it to keep it a secret and she has the right to decide whether she wants to continue or not. I know it's for the better to do this, so I must.

Thanks again.

[Abbie]

As the wife of an addict, I can echo what James2 has said. Not only do you give her the choice, but also in the long run, she will appreciate your honesty. It's a lot harder to begin to trust again when the lies keep coming.

Good luck! :)

[Rhyme]

Another good point Abbie. I know I'd like this relationship to last a long time - I really love her. She's valued my honesty in the past, and it's worked to my advantage numerous times. Thursday will be the day I think, her first day back. Or, should I wait a couple of days for her to settle in? I hate to drop this on her as soon as she gets back into the country.

Thanks again for the reply.

[Abbie]

It's difficult to advise on when to approach the subject, not knowing either of you. Sooner is better than later though, but without doing it the moment she walks in obviously.

Why not put some time aside one evening when you are both relaxed and can have a long talk uninterrupted?

[Abbie]

PS

Letting her know you are on here and dealing with the issue will soften the blow incredibly, and this along with your honesty should enable her to see that you are honestly trying - which is all us SOs can expect at the end of the day.

I hope it goes well,

Abbie.

[Newman]

Rhyme,

I have argued (perhaps not the right word) on other threads when this issue came up that at times it might not be best to "tell all." I agree that generally honesty is the best policy. But I think consideration has to be given to many different factors (length of the relationship; involvement of children or other family members; effect of "telling all" on innocent parties, etc.). I'm no expert and I'm not sure there is a correct answer for every situation. It sounds as if you are very fortunate to have a very understanding friend. Under the circumstances I tend to agree with Abbie and James2 that telling her will probably help both of you. Good luck.