From PA to philanderer?

[clog]

I'm still battling with my PA and am managing to stay away from P most of the time, with the occasional slip-up. My record isn't brilliant, but I focus on the achievements and can honestly say that I've had vastly more P-free time since the beginning of this year than in any of the previous 30 years or so.

Sadly my wife is still feeling very bruised over this - who can blame her. She is not really prepared to hear about my struggle or to support me actively in it. She would rather ignore it. There is a lot of tension in the relationship and little in terms of respect, friendship, let alone intimacy. I'm not bitter about this, nor do I blame my wife. I have caused all of this, not her.

But now here is what is worrying me. This whole situation is leading me to do things I have never done before. I've taken to flirting heavily with other women - in person and virtually. It took me a while to realise what I was doing. It is all purely platonic so far, but nevertheless a real cause for concern because clearly it can only further undermine my relationship with my wife.

More than anything, I want things to heal over between me and my wife. For her to start allowing me to be her friend again first of all. For her to start respecting the good things about me (yes, there are some). And then we can build things up from that foundation. But in the meantime, it seems I've started to look for friendship, flirtation and romance outside my marriage.

I know I need to stop this NOW and will do so immediately. The last thing I want is to morph from PA into philanderer. But I was wondering if other recovering PAs have found themselves in a similar situation. And what they've done.

Thanks,

Clog.

[Vilema]

How would it be if you and your wife dedicated one evening a week for date night? I think that is the best place to start rebuilding. Make a date with her. You set it up. You do all the planning. Maybe send her flowers to work with a card that says something your really like about her. For awhile, I think, you'll probably have to bear the burden of giving more of yourself and your time to her. But I believe that as your wife sees that you are sincere in wanting to woo her again and that you're continuing to battle your PA demons, she'll start responding back.

It is a risk to extend yourself to her like that but I think a worthwhile one. These efforts will help you in two ways (at least): 1) you'll be so focused on your wife that you won't have time for your dangerous flirtations and 2) your relationship will heal and grow.

If your wife has a hobby or interest that you do not share, I suggest you take notice. Perhaps you start with that...if she likes crafts or art or whatever, maybe do some investigating and find something really cool that relates to her hobby and do that for your date night.

As a former SO and now a fellow PA, I feel I can give you some good advice here. All it would have taken for me to trust my exhusband again would have been a little less self absorption (typical of an adict) and a little more genuine interest in me. That would have gone miles to make me believe that he really wanted to make right by me and our relationship. As a PA, I find that when I focus on doing for others, I am less inclined to wallow in my negative thoughts, etc. Helping others and extending myself to others has actually increased my self worth and helped me heal more than anything else I've tried.

I wish you well and I hope that you and your wife find healing, hope and happiness with each other.