Here's what happened to me

[argentine_bull]

Ok, I think I've had enough pain that I can come back now. Here's what happened to me...

First of all, I was feeling really confident after five or six weeks without porn that I could handle whatever life sent my way.

So, Friday afternoon I was working and I was really, really busy at work. I thought that that was why I didn't post here at all... Looking back, I knew that wasn't true. I didn't post here because I was planning to slip on Saturday and if I did I might have stopped myself. What was coming on Saturday was pretty innocent but I knew the seeds of a slip would be there.

Saturday was the annual draft party for my fantasy football league. We get together, drink a little beer, smoke a little, and draft our players. It's always a good time and I don't have any real problems with alcohol or smoke, so good enough, right? The problem -- and it was never a problem before, it was always a benefit -- is that every year one guy brings some porn magazines. I knew they'd be there on Saturday and I planned to make a point of not looking at them.

But it's not realistic... I could have done it ok, I saw them out of the corner of my eye and said, "remember: those are BAD FOR YOU. STAY AWAY FROM THEM. DO NOT LOOK AT THEM." I visualized a skull and crossbones on them. It worked, for a while, until one of my buddies was paging through and he held it open and said 'Yo, check THIS out." I just caught it out of the corner of my eye and it was like crack.

I vowed not to, but I ended up paging through most of the magazines. And I knew it was stupid.. and I talked myself into thinking it was ok. "These guys onyl do this once a year, I can do that too!" Bullshit!!! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT ALERT! I can't!

On the way home from the draft I was so so tempted to turn off looking for a dirty bookstore or something, but I didn't. I said, ok, minimize the damage here. Just drive home, maybe you won't even have to call it a slip!

And I pulled that off, got home ok on Saturday. Sunday I had sex with my wife and I was soooo sooo glad I didn't get into any more trouble on Saturday, I was able to be present. But I knew things weren't quite right... I was (expletive) around a little bit, looking at sketchy not-quite-porn pics, female tennis players, that sort of thing. When I started work this morning, I KNEW KNEW KNEW I needed to get on here and come clean. But I didn't still, I was holding on to "oh nothing bad happened yet."

So I made something bad happen, same old (expletive) as before, looking at steaming videos, masturbated at my desk.. now I really feel like crap yet, at the same time, I am relieved that now it's over. I remember firsthand how shitty it feels to act out and how badly I need to keep away from porn... it's so so pernicious.

[s_happens]

Got to remember, the alcoholics can't have just one sip, and we can't have just one peek. That "just one peek" gets me every time. All I can say is look for another tool to add to your arsenal, and sacrificing that party or asking that there be no porn during it is one of those concessions you have to make. P free life means giving up some of the things you like or making constraints. Do you think you would have had a better time if you had asked the guy who brought the P to put it away? I think perhaps so...

I know how you feel, its hard to make changes when you yearn to be just like all the other guys, and able to control it, but we can't. I have been DYING to go see "300" as I was fond of Sin City (back when I though I could watch it, no more..lol) and a big Gladiator/war/fight movie fan. But alas, I did my homework, and theres too much in for me to watch alone. When I have wifey back in good standings with me, maybe I can talk her into watching it with me and being my "eye cover" when the boob parts happen. Till then, I do not require watching it or anything with that much nudity to have a great day.