Would Like to Talk to Other Gay Men

[dave42]

Hi Everyone:

I've been "okay" with being gay since I was about 18 and I'm now 42. I am, however, NOT okay with my addiction to p. I'm in a committed monogamous relationship with a great guy, and I don't want to mess it up.

So, I'd like to hear from other gay men, gay men who are completely okay with being gay. I really would prefer not to hear from men who see being gay as a problem. If that is an issue you are dealing with, then I sincerely wish you well, but I'm not in a place where I can be very useful. I would really like to talk to guys who can relate to my specific problems. I have found many of the messages here to be very useful, by the way.

Oh, and if any of you know of sites similar to throughtheflame.org that are gay-oriented, I'd really like to hear about it. I've looked, but I can't find such a site.

Thanks for your support, everyone! I'm at something like Day 35, and it's mainly because of your supportive messages.

All the best, Dave42

[PaGuy724]

Hi Dave, I guess I don't consider myself Gay because God did not make homosexuals. he made man and woman . So don't consider yourself gay . You were not born that way and you make think differently on this issue .

[admin]

I feel like we need to use this thread as an example to set future precedence. This forum has, and will always be tolerant and supportive for everyone who decides to be a part of the community. If you disagree with a person's religion, race, sexual orientation, etc., that is your personal choice, but as long as you are here please do not impose your ideology or religious views on someone else.

Dave42, I do not know of such a resource for you, but you are always welcome here.

PaGuy724, I think you intentions are good, but please understand that this site is here for everyone, and that includes people who may not share your religious or moral beliefs.

Thank you both for understanding, and lets all continue to work together and support one another for the purpose that this site was set up: to live happier and fuller lives.

[dave42]

Thanks, Admin! I DO feel very welcome here, but thanks for stating it! I'm really grateful for everyone's words of support, either for me or for others. I think the most important part for me about this site is to support each other and to share strategies for overcoming this addiction. If anyone knows of a p addiction or a sex addiction site for gays, please let me know. Thanks! Hey, PAGuy724: I want to wish you good luck!

[HalfPint]

hey dave. I'm not gay but I do want to say this. Why connect the two together? (that might sound familiar, you posted it to someone in the welcome section). Maybe I'm wrong, but someone in the welcome section said that they were a porn addict and they knew that they weren't gay, and you said they should keep the 2 seperate. Is there a reason that you feel like you need a place with gay people that have the same problems as you, is it that you feel like your not getting the right kind of help here or no? I was just wondering (not meaning to sound rude or anything).

I may not be gay, but I can defiantly try my hardest to encourage you and to suggest things to you along your journey.

I don't know, maybe I'm thinking to deep into it, but I just kind of felt that you asking if there was a place like this, only for gays, that maybe our support wasn't enough. (I've been know to read to deep into things lol).

Again, this post was in no way meant to be offensive or anything so if I offended you just let me know and I can apologize.

[dave42]

Thanks, HalfPint! No offense taken at all. And I really do appreciate all the support I'm getting here. You have been especially inspirational in your postings. I'm really sorry if my posting made it sound otherwise.

I think this is what I'm trying to say (but not doing it very well!): On the one hand, I think sometimes when I unlink problems in my life, I can analyze them better.

For example, If I'm angry at my boss (who is a great person, by the way), it's REALLY useful for me to try to unlink something that she said yesterday that angered me from something that she said a year ago that I'm still upset about.

However, the opposite is also true: sometimes it's really useful to connect things and look for patterns. For example: if I connect what my boss say yesterday and what she said a year ago do I see anything in common? Is there a pattern that I can see that might help me understand our problem?

So, you are right Halfpint: I did mention to someone that he might want to unlink issues about gay stuff from issues about being addicted to p. I thought that that might help him analyze things better.

And at the same time, in this thread I'm kind of hoping to get a conversation going about just the opposite: connecting gay issues with PA because we might see a pattern that would be useful.

For example, I'm interested in discussing gay men, PA, and self-loathing. So, a lot of gay folks are interested in understanding how messages that they might have gotten about homosexuality in high school, TV, movies, etc. might make them hate themselves. This might be related to addictions. This is a special gay problem. It's not that straight men don't deal with self-loathing. They do, of course! And it's not that straight men haven't received PLENTY of negative messages throughout high school, on TV, movies, etc. They have! Their comments are helping me a lot.

Having said that, gay men have had to deal with self-loathing and negative messages in a particular way. I'm not saying worse or easier, just different. Like, you know, the word "gay" is often used in high schools to mean "stupid" "bad" or substandard, as in, "Did you see that movie last night?" "Yeah, it was really gay." When a straight boy hears that, it has one effect. When a gay boy hears it, it has a different effect. This is one example, but there are other issues that come to my mind like it where I'd like to hear from the experience of other gay men (in addition to other straight men, bi, older men, younger men, all different types of women, etc.) I imagine that that would be true of lots of sub-groups of people addicted to p. Imagine a woman addicted to p. She might gain help and insight from me (I hope!), but I think she'd also want to discuss particular problems for women addicted to p.

So, I'm sorry for such a long answer to a great question, HalfPint. I really appreciate your words of support for me and for all of the guys here. Hey, can you tell me about the tickerfactory.com thing? It's really great. I'd like to get one myself!

All the best,

Dave

[HalfPint]

oh, don't apologize for having a long reply, it was really good. I apreciate you taking the time to write it out, and it helps me understand a little bit more.
I have never quite understood why some people get offended when a straight guy says "thats gay". I've used it in that way before, but never in a negative way towards a person. Back in the day the word gay meant happy, or delighted. It didn't mean homosexual man. I guess thats one reason I don't hesitate to use it as "stupid" or "dumb". The words definition has changed several times for different people so thats why I use that.

Also, on one hand, I may not be gay but I can relate to you. I cant remember the word that some people have called me. Maybe you can help me out. The word means "Guy who isn't attracted to other men, but enjoys things that people who are feminine enjoy". Kind of like, I would rather watch ice scating instead of football. Or, I would rather go to an opera instead of a baseball game. I love romantic movies instead of action movies, and a good sad story or happy story makes me cry.

After saying that, many people have mistakenly called me gay, which personally it does bother me. Its against my religion to be gay (its viewed as a sin) but the people are still viewed as normal people. Just like if I lie, its no worse, kind of thing. So someone saying that I'm gay, to me, Is like their accusing me of sinning and its something that I don't like. (also at the same time I have friends who are gay, I see them as equal people, I accept them for who they are and what they do). I can understand how you hate yourself because of all of this. I have hated myself for a long time, I think I'm ugly in fact. I used to slit my wrists and cut my legs because of the pain inside of me loathing myself and having the feeling that everyone else things I'm different and ugly. I felt that it could all be traced back to my "being more in touch with my feminine side" (insert that word that some people have called me here).

I believe the only way that the subject of my self loathing and being more feminine can be linked to my porn addiction is that perhaps it created more stress in my life, and when cutting didn't create a big enough high I turned to porn. But at the same time, one who has lost a family member, or who isn't accepted for another reason, someone who may have just as much stress, if not more, could be in the same situation and be addicted to porn. I guess thats why I don't see it as something directly connected to porn addiction and should be left that way. Being gay is partially a sexual preference, you prefer men, and I prefer women. I think the only way it would effect my porn usage is what type of porn I look at (but maybe not). I don't know. Other than that, I don't know what to say. I have no idea where you could go to talk with someone who is gay, but we here at ttf accept you for who you are, and are willing to help you no matter what, and encourage you all the way. You are the same person to me now, as you were before you said you were gay. To me, the gay part doesn't matter, your another guy who's suffering with porn addiction who needs my help, who needs the help of others on here, (as friends of course) and I'm sure I'm not the only one willing to help you out.

Anyways, good luck with your journey, I hope that you can find the support your looking for, and congratulations on getting this far as is, its a big accomplishment.

[dave42]

Thanks, Halfpint! Good luck with everything! All the best, Dave42

[bananaman]

Originally Posted by PaGuy724

Hi Dave, I guess I don't consider myself Gay because God did not make homosexuals. he made man and woman . So don't consider yourself gay . You were not born that way and you make think differently on this issue .

What's your god got to do with it? I don't consider myself gay because I don't fancy men.

Gay people are born that way, get over it. Who are you to tell this guy who he can and can't love?

This forum is intended to be free from religion and prejudice. Try no-porn.com if you want a more religious vibe.

[dave42]

Hello everyone:

In an effort to be a peacemaker, let me say this: the last thing I wanted to start was a conflict. We are all dealing with this life crushing addiction, and we don't need one more issue to cause stress. So, I offer you all this joke:

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."