Would Like to Talk to Other Gay Men

[valjean77]

Hey Dave.
I'm straight (obviously...I talk about my wife constantly in my other posts) but I have a large number of close friends who are gay/lesbian, and living in the Bible Belt as I do, I've been able to see the struggle and prejudice that they go through. I grew up in a very strict, conservative church where ranting about "fags" from the pulpit was perfectly acceptable.
I've grown to a point where I absolutely despise that mindset and that use of any sort of epithet about anyone of any ethnicity, belief, or sexual identity (and I include all GLBT people in that). I'm a supporter of the HRC, and I find myself disgusted when I hear people say, "I don't see what's wrong with calling something gay." No offense, HalfPint, but when would that ever be used in a complimentary way? You're deriding something when you say that. Replace, "That's gay!" with "That's black!" or "That's Jewish!" or "That's straight!" Would you still say that? I assume your religious background is Christian, and Jesus taught tolerance. He never said a word about homosexuality. That's part of the reason I've always been so attracted to the philosophies of Buddhism...in Buddhism, the two greatest qualities a person can have are wisdom and compassion. The same could be said about Christianity, but in modern Christianity, judgementality all too often overshadows compassion.
Anyway.
It seems, from what I've seen, that porn has an unusual place in the gay community. The friends of mine that are gay seem to have enormous collections of porn that easily rival, and usually dwarf, what straight friends have had. Honestly, I believe a lot of it has to do with the prejudice that they experience in our society, something that I as a straight man can never really relate to. (I'm a straight, white man in middle America, so prejudice isn't something I've really had to deal with.) But in porn, you have continual reinforcement that "gay is okay," something that society doesn't tend to give you, so it's an easy escape, a way to feel some comfort.
My advice would be to take your comfort from your boyfriend. Make sure you have a strong community of people you can go to for support. The addiction is essentially the same whether you're gay or straight, you just have a little more working against you when it comes to the crap you have to deal with for being who you are.
I dunno if I made any sense at all. :p
Take care,
Colin

[veggiepark]

I'd like to talk to you too. I'm in a similiar situation, as i'm 35 and have been masturbating to gay porn for since i was 16 or 17. I never thought anything was wrong with it before, but latley i've been having the feelings i should stop.

My watching porn came to me at a bad time. I was a teenage runaway, addicted to crystal meth. I used to masturbate to porn and visit adult theatres in conjuction with smoking meth. I quit the meth after a few years and eventually stopped going to the adult arcades and what not. Yet i still find myself viewing and masturbating to porn, even after all these years.

While porn has shown me things i might never have thought on my own, and it's also made me realize there's a lot of other gay/bi men that enjoy gay sex. I feel i've watched more than my share of it to know what's going on. Also masturbating to it seems to get me nowhere and a possible drain on my physical and psychological energy.

I'm not really out, though i told my father i thought i was bi. I think my family would be okay with it, though something is holding me back from coming completly out. I think i am headed in that direction though.

If you want to talk privatley i've also let it for forum members to email me direct.

[Luke]

Hi Dave42,

I'm new on this site, and I'm responding to your post because I am gay, and I've recently decided that I want to quit P.

I've read through all these replies and it's a really interesting thread. I think it is worth considering that many gay people have different attitudes towards and experiences of P than straight people.

I presume that in many straight relationships, a man would not discuss P with his partner, and would hide the fact that he used it. In my experience of gay relationships, that's not the case, and it's easy to see why. If both partners are men, and men tend to use P more, there's more chance it would be discussed. Plus both partners would want to watch the similar stuff. Anyway, I've realised I'm better off without it, and I am determined to quit.



I also wanted to respond to things other people have said:

Dave42 - your joke totally cracked me up!

bananaman - Spot on. Anyone who disagrees with you just doesn't know the facts!

Valjean77 - Thanks for your post. It is so refreshing to hear from Christians who are supportive of gay people. I know there must be many such people, but so often the message that I get from Christians is negative.



By the way, why does everyone on these forums write 'P' instead of the full word? I've just copied everyone else, but are we meant to do that?

[Vorlan]

Originally Posted by Luke

By the way, why does everyone on these forums write 'P' instead of the full word? I've just copied everyone else, but are we meant to do that?

A lot of people have software that stops them typing the word porn so they use P instead. It's also a precaution in case people are triggered by the word. I don't think it's compulsory.

[dave42]

Wow! I'm sorry I've been away from this site for a week. I was on a trip to Boston. It was great!

Okay, so I want to say to Luke: Sorry for the delayed response! Luke, when you wrote: "Anyway, I've realised I'm better off without it, and I am determined to quit" I was really inspired. How is it going? And I agree about this thing that you said, too: "In my experience of gay relationships, that's [i.e. not discussing it w/partner] not the case, and it's easy to see why. If both partners are men, and men tend to use P more, there's more chance it would be discussed." Yep, I think you are right. At least that was true in my first relationship (8 years). In my current relationship, we don't talk much at all about P. So, Luke, what can we do to support you? Good luck!

Valjean: Thanks so much for your supportive words. Your theory is really amazing: "I believe a lot of it [gay men's huge p collections] has to do with the prejudice that they experience in our society." In 30 years of looking at the stuff (a lot!!), this has never once occurred to me. So thanks!

Halfpint: You been a HUGE support to so many of us here, so if folks respectfully disagree with you on this one, I hope it's no sweat. I would ask every guy here -- straight, gay bisexual, or whatever -- to try to avoid using the term "gay" in a negative way, even if you don't mean it in a harmful way. Analogy: if you are playfully hitting a guy softly in a way that doesn't hurt you, and the guy says, "Ouch! That really hurts!" what would you do? I think you'd stop hitting him. Maybe it wouldn't hurt you, and maybe it doesn't seem like it would or should hurt someone else, but if the guy says it hurts, you might as well take him at his word and stop hitting him.

Okay, so, as always, coming here to TTF has been a great help to me. Hope everyone reading this is doing well with your struggle! Good luck, everyone!

All the best,

Dave

[Scooter]

Hi Dave, and all contributors here.
I too am a gay man. I am 24 now but have been addicted to porn since I was about 12. I did have a long term partner until just recently, when my porn addiction got in the way. I have found this thread really interesting. Here are my comments:

1) Dave, good on you for your peacekeeping here. Its very easy for us, I think to feel discriminated against and I dont think I would have replied to PaGuy as politely as you did.

2) I think HalfPints attitude and efforts here have been awesome. I too sometimes take offense to the term "thats gay", but I believe him when he says he never used it refering to homosexuals. It did afterall, used to have a very different meaning. HalfPint, I think its awesome the way you have reflected on this! I really admire your tolerance and acceptance of others, despite your religious beliefs.

3) I have a belief, and some might challenge me here (which would be welcomed), that men generally are more sexual (hornier) than woman. I think its to do with the chemical makeup. So get 2 guys in a relationship, sex is going to play a bigger role. Perhaps gay people are 'deviant' because of their sexual repression - I dunno. Gay culture does seem to almost 'expect' every gay man to have a huge stash of porn. For this reason I am a little surprised there are not as many gay people here as I thought there might have been.

4) I can understand the desire to have a seperate place with more of a gay-support focus. But overall I have found this site to be pretty good - most of the people here are very openminded and supportive of others. Ultimately I think us porn addicts share a lot of similar characteristics, gay or straight. Stick with us here - its perfectly acceptable to start threads about gay issues and I often find it great to get a heterosexual perspective.

5) Self loathing - that is something I can relate to. Originally I hated myself for both being gay, and being a porn addict. Now its all about the porn, though that doesn't mean being gay is easy. I feel if I can overcome my porn addiction - I can truly be at peace with myself.

Good luck in everyones journeys here.

[illumination]

This is all really interesting. I was vaguely aware that porn is generally more 'out' in gay culture (in so far as there is such a thing, and of course not all gay/bi men are part of it). Maybe that's why there are not so many gay men here.

By the way, I read a very strong critique of gay porn in a book called Unpacking Queer Theory (it's a bit academic but a lot of my anarchist friends are into queer politics so I'm interested) where the writer was basically saying that gay porn actors suffer the same kind of oppression and health problems as straight porn actresses. I think gay porn, like other porn, has what one might call a 'hard', obscene and objectified attitude to sex, rather than a more emotional, loving, 'soft' attitude and I think a lot of the aesthetics of the gay 'scene' reflect this.

I know a few non-scene gay men and they find it difficult to meet people for this reason.

[Bozo]

Hi im new here and very much straight, just wanted to know, cos i dont know alot about gays, but is there an actual difference between a PA that is gay and a PA that is straight?

Thanks in advance for your explanation.

[Scooter]

Hi Bozo,
Your question here is very broad and I doubt its possible for anyone to give a definitive answer, especially without delving into mass stereotypes etc. I think PA is PA regardless of whether the 'sufferer' is Gay/Straight/Catholic/Athiest etc.

Everybody has a different set of values though, and these play an important role in how we deal with our problem. Its not uncommon for religious PA's to reach out to god for help/strength for example.

I think I agree with illumination that porn is more 'out' in gay culture, and I'm surprised there are not more gay people here. I suspect that because porn is so widely accepted as okay and non-problematic in the gay community, a lot of people don't consider their porn usage a problem where others might.

Whether we are gay or straight, I believe everybody wants the same things from life... that is love, security, happiness. I believe porn can be damaging to all of these and that similar methods of addressing the porn issue can be applied to gay and straight people.

I guess my answer to your question is; no.

[Bozo]

Thanks Scooter for that, I was just wandering thats all, because i thought it was a seperate forum for gays. Thats all. Well i hope you educate your community more because clearly wether your straight or a gay this filth is just not right! Everyone should know about this website its great!

Thanks again.