Homophobia and Addiction

[dave42]

Hi Everyone:

Does anyone want to talk about homophobia? Here are my thoughts:

1. When we were children and teens, we kept a HUGE secret--our homosexuality. This was a shameful secret that surely impacted our development. I feel that this is related to our addiction to porn and other forms of sexual addiction.

2. Setting aside the issue of our sexuality being a secret, we had another problem: we didn't have a healthy outlet for sexual/emotional development. It's awkward for everyone growing up--dating, dealing with sexual urges, loneliness, self-esteem--but it's doubly difficult for GLBTs, because we didn't have a support system.

Example: you are a straight teen boy. You have a crush on a cute girl. You don't know exactly what to do with your crush, your passion, your urges. You talk to your straight male friends, your brother. You listen to songs on the radio about how boys and girls get along, you look at your parents, or your older brother or older sister to see how they get along.

Contrast: you are a gay teen boy. You have a crush on a cute boy. You REALLY don't know what to do! You can't talk to your friends, you can't talk to your brother. You don't get any help from songs on the radio, you don't get help from mom or dad either directly or as examples, same with siblings as examples. To complicate things, you aren't sure if the cute boy is gay. And, let's say the LORD is smiling and he is gay and he thinks you are cute--still: he is dealing with the same uncertainly that you are dealing with.

I heard someone recently declare that growing up GLBT in our society is a form of abuse. At first I thought that this was exaggeration. But the more I think about how BIZARRE it is to grow up A) in secrecy and B) without a support system, the more inclined I am to agree.

Test: the next time you hear a man say, "My husband and I went to the store." ask yourself how TELLING, how REVEALING is your discomfort. It's hard for me to hear a guy say, "My husband," and I'm a gay activist, and a same sex marriage activist in San Francisco. It sounds wrong. Or it did originally, but I'm getting used to it after a number of years. But, my point is that the discomfort I felt at hearing a guy talk about his husband REVEALS! It REVEALS! You see? It reveals the homophobic water we swim in. I hope I'm making sense!

Your thoughts? P.S. With respect, I really don't want to hear from folks who are anti-same sex marriage, thanks!

My best,

Dave

[maggie]

Yes, I see how confusing it must be for glbt adolescents trying to understand their feelings and desires, without anyone to talk to or get advice or acceptance from.

Funny how songs of our youth do mimic the the hurts and the excitement of young love and validates our feelings ! I never thought about that before and didn't realize how some people are left out by the typical boy loves girl and girl loves boy theme.

[yorkie_owner_85]

I agree. The Katy Perry song "I KIssed a Girl" was a HUGE hit but if a guy sang "I Kissed a Boy" he'd be crucified so to speak.

[Benedict]

I think you are right. It must be hard enough even in a relatively tolerant society as teenage yêars are years when you are confused about who you are, and to be unable to be open about who you think you might be, must make it even harder.

And then of course, some of the organized religions tell you that you are sinful, evil, damned etc. Can't really help!

[forgotten_not]

Thanks for this post! :)

I do see where you're coming from & agree to an extent that it would be more difficult to grow up GLBT, but at the same time there are more people than I think anyone realizes that fit into that "category".

I am straight, though I have a large number of friends that are GLBT & used to hang out with them at coffee houses, clubs, & bars that supported GLBT. They are all wonderful, understanding, & accepting people & support one another as any good friend would. Some had supportive families while others were practically disowned, some hid their feelings while others openly shared them. GLBT's are no different than you or I, we've all had our own individual struggles in life & to single certain people out & say they've had it harder, is in itself segregating them.

Thanks for giving me some food for thought. I'm going to reflect on this today & look forward to reading others responses!

[QueenofHearts]

I'm curious as to the link between the homosexual/lesbian and religion. I'm an athiest, but I am well aware of how a lot of religions abhorr homosexuality.

A guy I work with who is a Christian, once made a comment to me about how homosexuality is a mental illness. I wasn't sure how to respond because I do respect everyone's opinion, however I do not share that one. I know he meant it in a derogatory fashion, and I felt that he obviously has an intolerant attitude. I've had various debates with this guy at work, friendly ones of course...and I remember one about P came up and again he said that P users had a mental illness.

I guess what I'm getting at is how being gay and religion or spirituality go together? Are the majority of gay people non religious? Curious.

PS: Another guy at work (muslim) made a comment about how he doesn't see anything wrong with 2 girls being sexual together...but if 2 guys did it that's disgusting and wrong. I immediately challenged his double standard, but he was stuck on how it was different because a woman wanting a woman was simply embracing her "softness, and femininity".

[dave42]

Hey, Queen of Hearts!

Religious and gay: I don't know! I know that I'm gay and religious and my church is FULL of gay Christians, but that doesn't answer your question because there are tons of GLBT who aren't religious. I've often wondered the same thing.

[exteberria]

I think there's a level of insecurity out there amongst men.

A lot of men complain or 'worry' about a gay man hitting on them. The way I see it, is that, they're worried that if a Gay guy kisses them, they migh actually like it lol. Because I also think there is a notion out there, that yes, men do have homosexual thoughts, but men should not act on them. But one might think, that if one has homosexual thoughts, isn't he Gay? I know some guys have creeped out when I've accused them of being insecure about their sexualities when they have used the word 'fag' or 'queer'.

I think most straight guys are comfortable in their sexualities, hell I was at Carnaval in Salvador, Brazil and had some confrontations with gay men. Not bad confrontations, just them complementing me by trying to kiss me or something lol But it was all in good taste, I reckon most of them wouldn't find me attractive anyway lol I'd be a pretty lousy gay, plus I'm not really really good with women haaa lol

[dave42]

Thanks for all of these comments. Very interesting and very helpful. I want to say something here about my sobriety, but it's related to politics, which is extremely problematic in a forum like this, so I'm going to say it very carefully and ask for you to respond the same: I want to steer very, very clear of political issues here, but I do want to say this: when gay political issues come up, I find a lot of anger rising in me. It's important for me to stay away from the news completely for now. If I read a news story or hear a piece on the radio or see something on TV, I get very angry and this is a threat to my sobriety. Again, I don't want to debate anything at ALL, so please no debates here. I just want to assert that these situations are very, very tough on my sobriety. The pattern seems to be: I read a gay political story; I get angry; my anger is somehow (????) related to my addiction; I start to go into fantasy about acting out; in the past, I HAVE acted out.

[mell]

Hey Dave,

Anger is also a huge trigger for me and it comes from a variety of unexpected sources. Politics is a problem for me also. I have to avoid TV and newspapers, as it is everywhere. Hard to do, but necessary.

Anger (from whatever source) is something I have to avoid. I've been working on surrendering it, but justified anger is a tough one.