Homophobia and Addiction

[dave42]

Thanks, Mell. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. Anger has been a life long problem for me. It's connected to my addiction, although how I don't understand. I guess I don't need to understand how it is connected, but I'm curious. If anyone has a theory lay it on me!

[rosie]

Hi Dave /waves.

Your thoughts? P.S. With respect, I really don't want to hear from folks who are anti-same sex marriage, thanks!

Not really sure how its a discussion when you're silencing one side, but I do understand not wanting to go into it.

As for me, I am all for same-sex marriage. it is a given. Even saying "I support gay marriage" to me is patronising. Like it needs peoples approval, but as it is a social institution, I guess it does.

I have never really classified people as Gay, straight, etc. From my (limited) understanding everyone is on a sexual spectrum. Some in the middle, some either end. Eitherway, it annoys me to even talk about it. People are people, laws are stupid.

I read somewhere recently that there is more sexual addiction or promiscuity in the G&L scene - not sure how true this is? Any data on that Dave?

The weird thing about "modern homophobia" is the amnesia we all seem to have, as a collective. Homosexuals have around for as long as history books recall. The only thing that changes is how society perceives homosexuals at the given time.

I know a gay woman, but do not know any gay men. I do know "straight" men who have had gay experiences though, which do err on the side of sex addiction (eg: "getting whatever they could") - at least, this is how THEY describe it. I didn't think it quite worked that way.

Interesting discussion Dave!

[facingthetruth]

Hey Dave,

I just wanted to resurrect this thread. As I read your posts and those of others, I thought of a book I read which I think you and all those interested in this issue would really benefit from. Its called the 'The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing up Gay in a Straight Mans World by Alan Downs PhD.

I think it is almost impossible for people to understand the pain and damage done to young gay boys and girls as they grow up at 9, 10, 11 ,12, 13, 14, 15, 16 years old always being reminded that what they are is, at best unacceptable, at worst, disgusting.

Can I ask people how often you have been looked at by someone as disgusting? its a strong word, isn't it. What would you're reaction be if someone just looked at you and turned their nose away in disgust. Its happened to me and many gay people, many times. In gay pride parades, you see the look on peoples faces, protesters against my very existance.

Can I just get rid of one myth: This is the idea that people 'choose to be gay'. I have 2 questions for people who say this:

1. When did you choose to be straight?
2. Why would anyone choose to be gay, when it makes life so much more difficult?

Some people are gay, they're have always been SOME gay people. Just like some people are tall, small, blue eyed, fat, thin. Its natural because its always, always been part of human experience since time began, in every civilization. The only difference has been how acceptable it has been which governs whether or not people choose to show it or hide it. And that brings me to the point of homophobia and PA/SA.

'Appearing to be something you're not because you think what you are is disgusting'
Sound familiar? I think most PA recognize this. This is what being gay feels like in a homophobic society. Except you can't change it any more than you can change your eye color. In many cases if you could, you would. So you accept yourself and hope people accept you.

I hope you dont mind me saying but I feel my sexuality has be central to my becoming a PA. I feel my internalized homophobia has stopped me loving my self enough to find real love, so I comforted myself with fake feelings of love.

In the gay community PA and SA is so common its openly talked about. So many gay men seek the authentic love through s, instead of true intimacy. It is seen as normal and its not. If I said to a gay single friend I'm a PA, he'd probably smile and say 'so am I'? Sadly this paradigm is becoming much more common in the herterosexual world as well. I see these young people today, uncertain and over-s#xualised from a young age by the media and I feel sorry for them. There's so much more pressure to be perfect, have the perfect body, the perfect job, the perfect s@x, The perfect partner.
Meanwhile p is everywhere, on their cellphones, tv, mags, pc etc
They're in a s@xual warzone.

I actually went to a gay therapist and told him I felt I was a PA. He asked me how much time I spent looking at P. I said it could vary from 1hr to 4hrs a day depending. He just shrugged his shoulders and said ' that doesn't sound that bad? If I had told him I was drinking 4 bottles of wine a day, he'd have said I was an alcoholic. (I don't BTW). That was my last visit to him.


Thats my little rant for this morning ;-)
I would love to get some feedback, agree or disagree, as you please.

[pdxken]

I just recently discovered this site and was very happy to find a forum that supports GLBT people.

I am a recovering alcoholic with 8 years of sobriety and have recently begun coming to terms with my porn addiction as well. I think that for me there is definitely a connection between my experiences of growing up as a gay man in a homophobic culture and my addictions. For me, it's more about shame than anger but I think both emotions could be triggers.

I'm too wiped out from a long day at work to write any more, but thanks to everyone who posted on this thread for being there.

[dave42]

Hi Pdxken, Facingthetruth, and Rosie:

Thank you for your posts and sorry I haven't been around to respond more promptly. Rosie, I loved your observation about collective amnesia--you point out the need to educate ourselves about homosexuality in history, something I strongly support! Thanks!

I'm sorry for silencing the conversation on same-sex marriage and I appreciate your honesty and courage in pointing it out. As a sex addict, I find that I cannot, at this point in my recovery, debate same-sex marriage and related issues -- it's just too painful, and it puts my sobriety at risk. I respectfully apologize to folks here at TTF for silencing that part of the conversation -- I just can't handle it. I am also not sure that such a debate is appropriate on this site, but someone with more objectivity could answer that better. If I have annoyed,disrepected or angered anyone, I hope you'll accept my sincere apology. There are so many things we all have in common here -- foremost: a raging and deadly addiction -- I hope we can support each other by focusing on the commonalities.

Facingthetruth: your post was so important to me, so confirming and comforting to hear you articulate eloquently what I'm having such trouble articulating. Thank you very much! You are the second person to recommend to me "Velvet Rage" so I think it's time for me to read it! Thanks! My favorite line from your post: "I feel my internalized homophobia has stopped me loving my self enough to find real love, so I comforted myself with fake feelings of love." I never thought of it this way. Thank you!


Pdxken: I loved this: "For me, it's more about shame than anger but I think both emotions could be triggers." Yes, I think that I'm slowly (very slowly!) starting to "get" the shame/addiction connection. I am so glad that you have 8 years of recovery from alcohol--that seems to a great foundation for dealing with this addiction (and for sharing your insights with us!)

Thanks all three of you. Today is my one year anniversary of sobriety. It's because of folks like you that today I'm not spending hours and hours, and money I don't have engaged in deceitful, exploitative and dangerous activity. Thank you!

[dave42]

I started reading Velvet Rage last night. I can tell that it is going to help me understand the connection between my sexuality and my anger. Thanks, Facingthetruth!

[facingthetruth]

Hi Dave,
I'm re-reading it and another book on CBT. Cognitive behavioural therapy suggests that we often say we want to change when deep down we don't. Hence we start off with failure as a destination. To instigate real change we must deeply examine out reasons for changing ad well as the attraction of staying the same. There are several answers on both sides. I'm examining this idea at the moment and continuing to read the book. I hope the next time I go sober that I'm properly prepared. I realise there are many factors at play. The chemical addiction. The emotional addiction. The shame. The habit. The painkiller effect. These are alot of balls to juggle. I have alot to learn but I'm a good learner and I'm eager. I know something inside me has already changed, I can just feel it. I'm know going to try to push that change.
FTT

[Jon Doe 109]

Dave42, great journal, thanks for sharing. Congratulations on your one year of sobriety, that's inspiring.

Anger/addiction: I always found anything pleasurable to be a real working escape from anger or depression or other negative emotions. For me it's just that pleasure seeking never worked on the causes of my suffering only the effects... hence my ongoing addiction. I think I'm chipping away at the causes now...