I'm here.

[Fable]

It's cool that there is a "rainbow forum" also. I thought I might introduce myself here too since I somewhat belong into this category.

What makes me then belong to a "rainbow group". Well, I don't consider myself gay. The reason I wrote in this sub-category is because I don't identify myself as neither "male" nor "female". My sexual organs might tell someone that I am a male, but my brains know otherwise. I feel like I'm sexless trapped inside a body of a guy.

I don't think about it most of the time, but it's there somewhere in my consciousness - or perhaps subconsciousness. It keeps coming back to me whenever I feel like I'm in a situation where there's a lot of "testosterone flowing". I mean, for example, if I'm surrounded buy guys who talk about girls, sports, cars or the typical "guy stuff". I start to pretty soon get this feeling that "I don't belong here. I'm not one of the guys. What the hell am I doint in a situation like this."

So, it's a gut feeling that I have, I just can't identify myself as either man or woman. To most people that could be pretty much nonsense, I know. But to me it's a part of who I am, even if I don't think about it on a normal day.

So here I am. I'd like to talk with the "rainbow folk". It's always ninteresting to hear about what made you decide to quit P. And what are you planning to do with the rest of your life, once you are P free? At the moment I can't think of anything else to ask. But to get this rolling, I guess I should answer first.

I always felt like P is something morally wrong. It just didn't go well with my morals. But non the less I got involved with it when I started high school. And I hated myself for it every single time I watched P. That went on for a few years. Then I started telling myself that, hey, everyone does it, so why should I feel bad about it. I even managed for a little while to stop hating myself for doing what I did and not think about it. But something just never felt quite right. So over the last ten years I have tried to quit P and in one or two cases I have been managed to be P free for about one whole month. That's the longest time so far. But every time I've relapsed, I've forgotten about my promise to myself to quit P.

But now I think I have a different attitude towards it all. I plan to not stop trying untill I succeed, even if it takes me houndred of relapses, I won't hopefully give up as easily as before.

So, once I get rid of it completely ( I have to tell myself that I will one beautiful day get rid of it, because otherwise I wouldn't have the strength to even try), I plan to dedicate my time to learning and seeking new knowledge about the stuff that I find fascinating in this world (mathematics, languages and neuroscience). That way - when I immerse myself into studying and learning new things - I will never get bored and fall back to my old tricks.

That's pretty much all about me for now. I'd like to hear something about yourself.

Fable

[dave42]

Hi Fable:

Thanks for your post! I liked this part: "So, it's a gut feeling that I have, I just can't identify myself as either man or woman. To most people that could be pretty much nonsense, I know. But to me it's a part of who I am, even if I don't think about it on a normal day." What I like about it is that you are trying to help us understand your situation. I'm totally supportive, Fable. I kind of wish I hadn't named this "Would like to hear from other gay men" because I 'm afraid it might exclude folks like you who don't identify as gay, but who don't identify as heterosexual, either.

Anyway, thanks for your post. I'm trying to hold onto this wagon, which seems to be very slippery. I was doing great and then -- bam: I haven't been able to gain traction for more than a few weeks at a time. Hope this time is more or less permanent!

Good luck,

Dave