Goals, Time Frames and Objectives?

[nikki]

Dear PA's

Do you think that setting time goals is wise? Would that put huge pressure on my PA or would that give him something to work towards? They would just be tiny objectives at first. His hardest times are evenings as he lives alone, quite far from friends, and it's dark and he feels very lonely. I was thinking a good first goal could be for him to book himself onto one of two evening hobby classes or weekly meet-ups and to have attended regularly by Spring this year.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Nikki

[burnedout]

Sounds like a good idea. I know a lack of structure and discipline has been one of my downfalls in the past. Hopefully not in the future.
John

[Betterforever]

It depends on how they feel about it. I personally like counting the days it gives me a sense of accomplishment and one more reason to keep going, but I have heard others say that they don't like it and that it doesn't help them.

[FoolishMind]

Hi Nikki,

For me personally, if a time goal was set, that would be a pressure that wouldnt really have worked for me. For me, the PA will either get it, think they get it, or simply wont get it. If they get it, they will put all their focus and effort into ensuring all barriers are up to prevent them from slipping, If they think they get it, they will make a half hearted attempt at becoming free, but will inevitably slip up, as not all preventative measures would have been taken to block out temptation. If they dont get it at all, they will just continue to lie, and they will lie better.

Again on a personal level, counting days and acknowledging mini milestones is a great motivation, i.e. 1 week porn free, 1 month p free etc. However, after a time, it started to make me feel a little worried, and not really a number I wanted to keep track of.

FM

[BigEyes]

I think goal times are ok...AA and other 12 step programs give out chips and make a big deal of hitting 90 days, 1 year etc. There must be something to that. If this helps the addict I like the idea of setting goals using prime numbers as the goal. First would be 2 days, then 3 days, 5, 7, etc.

From what I have observed in the SAA (sex addicts anonymous) program is that the men who have the most successes have SO's at home helping them. The men that were least successful were single with no one at home.

When I walked away from the porn I stopped counting days, although my wife reminded me that yesterday was 90 days.

I say that anything that helps is a good thing.

[2frustrated]

It would be great for him to set goals like that to help him in his recovery. But he has to set them for himself. If you suggest them, he will either not want to do them because it feels like a chore, or he will do them but only for you. Perhaps a better way would be to put a more positive spin on it, and make it so it's not just about him. Like with the hobby classes, tell him that you found a neat hobby class and were thinking of going together. The more he feels that you love and admire him, and the less he feels pushed, the better for both of you, IMO.