For the PAs that struggle(d) with fantasy

[SOHope]

My guy is 39 days sober though still struggles with fantasy. Do you have any advice for him? And how long did it take you to lessen them?

This to me has been my main issue with his addiction. For obvious reasons.
I can never live up to a fantasy woman and don't feel I need to.

When we finish our 90 day celibacy I want to be the only other woman in bed with him, even if it takes longer than 90 days.

[BigEyes]

Hi SOhope,

I should have replied to your question earlier.

The process I have gone thorough to stop the "intrusive thoughts" (fantasies, remembrances of pictures videos etc.) is simple but (I thought) difficult.

1. The addict has to want to overcome the problem (fantasy, etc).

2. The addict has to fight the intrusive thoughts every time they come in to his head. Whether he wins or loses, he has to do battle. I always told myself, "Stop!" "Stop, stop, stop. I know an addict can make the thought go away...at least for a while. I became stronger and stronger at this, the more I fought it.

3. Next I substituted a different thought for the "blank spot" in my head, where the fantasy was. In my case it was picturing a large green foil wall. I know that sound odd, but it is better than the other thoughts, it won't re-trigger me, and it is easy to visualize.

4. Again the addict has to want to over come the problem. I put myself on a schedule if I need to. I'll tell myself that for the next 24 hours I won't allow in any way shape or form those intrusive thoughts. This is a short do-able time period. It also allows the "addict inside" to think that they are going to get to fantasize tomorrow. Of course tomorrow will start a new 24 hour period.

This is what has worked for me. Perhaps some of this will feel right for your guy.

[SOHope]

Thank you Big Eyes for your reply. I am so happy to hear that your technique works so well for you. Your openness is so amazing to me and I am glad that you are so committed to your recovery and helping others in such a HUGE way!

[Rockinastorm]

Hi SOHope,

Sometimes bad thoughts pop into my head when I see an advertisment or improperly dressed girls on campus. I used to use that as an excuse to fantasize about them but instead now I try to pretend that I am in their head, and ask questions like "what class is she heading off to, is she going to be late, who is she talking to on the phone, etc." I dont do this to be creepy, and I dont really care about the answers, but this helps me "normalize" my thought process and keeps me from connecting what my eyes see and the 'alternate P reality.'

If they are random fantasy images that pop into my head, I try to concentrate on what I am doing, or what I am thinking about at the moment, and for some reason just knowing I am fighting back gives me the strength to keep going even stronger.

I hope that helps.

[nikki]

Dear SOHope,

My PA also has a fantasy and went to great lengths (5 hour long porn binges, virtual sex websites, prostitutes etc) to achieve this ultimate "high". No matter how hard he tried or how far he went, he always left feeling disappointed and sometimes disgusted, because after all fantasy is not reality. The worst thing about the nature of this fantasy is that he has never been able to truly enjoy real sex experiences, love and intimacy with myself, or his former partners. No woman, in any realm, is near this fantasy in his head.

I would love to hear from other PA's on this subject, and how they have overcome "fantasy".

[Disillusioned]

My h said that he would try to think of something else for at least 20 seconds. Instead of undressing another woman with his eyes, he said he would picture me undressed, kind of like throwing cold water on a flame IMO. I like the green foil idea, BE. Anything that works without taking you where you dare not go. Good luck, All.