For the PA: If You Died Tomorrow, What Would You Want Her to Know?

[widowgirl]

When my H died, a lot was left unsaid between us (and a lot of hurtful things said by yours truly!) . I know he felt bad about hurting me, but he didn't stop or even ask for help.

If you died tomorrow, what is the most important thing about this addiction that you would want your SO to know?

Thanks!
WG

I just can't resist that hug thing it's so cute.

[2frustrated]

I would want her to know that the addiction had nothing to do with how she looked or how attracted I was to her.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I need to agree with 2frustrated. I would need for her to understand that this addiction had nothing to do, with the way I truly felt about her. I would want her to understand that in my heart the most beautiful woman I have ever seen or touched in life, was her.

I would want her to know, that I am sorry that I took her beautiful Heart, and broke it into a million pieces. The main thing I would want her to know is that, all the years we were together, none of them were lies. the way I felt about her, and the words I used to express the love I have for her, were from my heart, and that there was no one else I needed in life but her.

I would want her to know, that I am sorry I passed away, leaving her with a lot of doubt in her heart, making her feel as if she was not a beautiful women, and not worthy in being loved.


THIS HURTS JUST WRITING THIS DOWN

[Timothy]

Dearest, Sweet, Kathy,
I am departed now. During our time on earth together as Man and Wife
There have been many Happy Times. Many cherished Treasured moments
as afamily and as a couple.Those times i do not regret. What I do regret
is not spending more time with you and with Maryanna. As an addict I chose
many times to pursue my addictions and act out rather than to spend the
precious time we had together, I chose Isolation, I chose selfishness, I chose
pride and ahost of other things and people over you . As an addict I hurt you
over and over again , I crushed your tender Heart, I left you weeping over
my misdeeds. I showed anger when I should have showed peace. I showed
hatred when I should have showed Love. I chose lying and deception when
i should have Been Honest and not secretive. I pushed you away when I needed
You Most. I relapsed when I should have be strong. I let you down . I disappointed
you. I turned you away when you needed to be hugged or wanted to be intimate.
Being a addict is no excuse for Such behaviours. I deeply am Sorry.Thank you
for not leaving me as some advised you to do. Thank you for supporting me in my
recovery. I am sorry you were not able to feel that you could more fully trust me.
I am gone now Please do not feel guilty in any way that you did anything to help
enable my addictions. May God comfort you with that Assurance and may God Bless you till we meet again, My darling . I am Forever
and Eternally yours, TIM

[widowgirl]

Reading these through tears. Thank you!

[mell]

Wow widowgirl,

It is hard to even think of that. I am so sorry for your loss.

I would want BF to know that it was me not her and I was so lucky to have her by my side loving me and trying to help me. I recieved much more than I deserved.

[stillinlove]

Gee guys, you've all brought tears to my eyes. What love and openness from the heart. Phew!

[leadmehome]

I ditto what INOH said. And just a side note: Is it possible that your late husband did not know that help was available? For decades I thought I was all alone in this, despite the statistics (we as addicts are not exactly famous for our deductive reasoning skills), and I honestly did not know that help was available. Although I desperately wanted it. Many years ago I tried to read the book "Every Mans Battle" but was terribly frusturated to learn that I was beyond help because I was guilty of greater sins than looking at bra and panty ads in the Sunday paper.

[widowgirl]

Hi LMH

How are you doing? Thank you for posting here.

I have heard of that book, and even considered getting it for my hubby, but was afraid he would refuse to read it and tell me I was overreacting. It sounds like it doesn't really address PA so good that I didn't.

Yes, unfortunately he was aware there was help; I made him aware of some resources, and a good friend even went through a program for it. He was just one of those guys who preferred to keep things to himself. There was, of course also a good dose of denial, the " I can quit" thing and all the other excuses I don't have to list because if you're here you know them already. He acknowledged the pain it caused me, and promised to quit etc. till the day he died.

How are you coming along on your journey? I'm going to pop over to your journal now. WG