Lack of Attraction towards SO

[SOHope]

This is officially my first post and I am so happy to have found this site.

My PA is new to 'true' recovery and I am quite hopeful this time around. He seems to be very serious about it. I myself have been in therapy for this since late August. I am doing well though this one problem is something I can't get out of my mind:(

We have had problems in the bedroom for about a year and as you are aware an SO knows when something is wrong. I've read a lot of information stating that the attraction the PA lost to his partner (most likely due to skued views of women)will come back most likely during recovery. He started a 90 day celibacy contract just last week.
I understand attraction is not only physically though emotional as well. We have a great relationship in most respects other than the usual and of course the P and M problem.

Has anyone else been down this road? Can you give me some guidance or hope?

[JenMac]

Hi SOHope!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you have found your way here!
SO, to answer your question from my experience, yes the natural intimacy returned once the P behaviour stopped. For us, it was such an emotional upheaval that we very much needed each other through this time, emotionally and physically. Kind of strange in that my H was the one who hurt me, that I would need him so much, but that was indeed the case.
I am sure timelines and response will be different for everyone, but I really do believe once they stop filling their minds with this destructive material, the desire for true intimacy will return. The good feelings that come from that are truly wonderful and drive our connection and committment to recovery even more.
SO, I am glad you have found this resource for yourself. There is much to be learned here and so many wise and caring SOs. I am not sure if your H will follow you here, but if he decides to I know he will find much support and guidance here as well. My H mac and I have been members here for the past 20 months and we have found it to be such a blessing in our lives. I am hoping you will find it the same for you.
There is a couples chat on Wednesday evenings at 8 PM EST. If you and your H would like to join us, you would be most welcome.
All the best!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

Welcome, SOHope. I am sorry you need to be here, but that in that you do need help, I am happy to have you have found us. I wish I had found this site earlier, because I have tripped, stumbled and fallen over my own feet before hand. It is true that some of our PAs get so caught up in their addiction that they can no longer respond to a loving and willing partner. (MIght check out, "Don't Call it Love" by Dr. Patrick Carnes...lots of great insight in this book.) Some of it is because their energy is so depleted from acting out in response to their addiction. IF this does not turn around for your h, please be sure to consult your pcp or if your h is getting yearly PSAs for early prostate cancer detection, ask for a testosterone level to be checked. These both play a role in normal response. I have been re-reading the CArnes book with so much new experience and knowledge gained from being on TTF, it is like an entirely new book this time. Please remain hopeful and above all, do whatever you can to lift your own spirits and keep yourself healthy and whole while dealing this. Don't neglect physical exercise and sleep. This addiction has nothing to do with your attractiveness or prowess and has everything to do with chemicals that are released in the brain of the PA. I am hoping you read and look at other journals on here. Don't forget to look at the general discussion area of our site, as there is a lot of information in there. None of us our professional therapists in this area, but we have a lot of experience and care very deeply for you, your h, your family and all who are afflicted by the modern day plague we call p.
Never before in history have human beings been exposed to the number of s-x-al images that they can with the explosion of p sites available at the click of a mouse. The last several generations of people and our youngsters are unwilling subjects to an uncontrolled test of brain changes that occur with this amount of stimulation. The destructiveness that occurs with this addiction has far reaching affects, and I am so sad that our children are being exposed...and that this typically occurs at ages 8-13 before their brains are adult in maturation. Most of us here really hate and resent p and its purveyors. They are the only ones who benefit. All else that results is lies and destruction.
Best wishes.
disillusioned

[SOHope]

Wow ladies, thank you so very much. After doing much reading I figure we will find our way to intimacy which I am so looking forward to.

This I must admit is the selfish part of me and something I am working on. I feel the deepest way to express love towards each other is in the bedroom so when this wasn't happening I began to become distant myself. I understand this is an unhealthy way of thinking and am working on it. We both have work to do and I feel this 90 celibacy will be great though tough on both of us. Well, at least me:)
The attention he has paid me this week has been amazing...snuggling together on the couch, hand holding and lots of hugs and kisses. And it's only the first week!
I know he loves me though has intimacy issues that stem way before us and I do hope I show him that I am here during his struggles and the joys.
Thank you again!

[Hibiscus]

Hi SOHope and belated welcome to you!

I think another common aspect of PA is the use of it as a means to avoid conflict within the relationship. As things deteriorate and we each pull away, it becomes easier for them to use P then to approach us for the inevitable tough conversations. I know my husband has admitted that was the situation for him. But once they eliminate the P and embrace recovery, they start to learn to turn towards us, instead of away from us, in times of stress and turmoil.

I don't think it's selfish to need that physical connection to our husbands. It's part of the intimacy of marriage and something we are only supposed to share with our partners. I hope that 90 days goes quickly for you, lol. I think it's wonderful that you are getting to enjoy the snuggling, hugs, and kisses. I've often found that's it's that physical display of affection I crave just as much as s*x - so I'm glad we've recaptured that. Enjoy!

[waterlily327]

Hi SOHope, and welcome to TTF! Though my situation is a little different, I can say that the “celibacy” period helped my relationship, so I am a strong advocate for it.

For me, it took off any pressure I felt to connect in a physical manner, and let us reconnect emotionally. We literally backtracked to the beginning of our relationship, holding hands, hugs, the occasional peck on the cheek or lips, but nothing more than that. It was amazing, and the emotional security that came out of knowing he was interested in more than my physical appearance was a much needed reassurance.

I understand that every relationship is different. As I said, it worked really well for me. Some parts of it were tough, but in the end, I wouldn’t change a thing about that time. Having that emotional connection rekindled has made every single aspect of my relationship stronger, happier, and more comfortable. I hope that you find the same strength comes out of that period. I think it is wonderful that your H is willing to take that on. It sounds like he is really dedicated to recovering, which is wonderful! He is much, much more likely to have a successful recovery when he is invested! Just remember, this is a recovery period for you too. Best of luck to you both!

[BigEyes]

Hello SOhope.

I guess I'll be the first PA to respond to your question / concern.

For me I was always attracted to my wife, but the porn would take away my desire to be intimate. Also, due to my addiction I was more attracted to the P pictures, than I was to a real, live in the flesh woman. Now if that's not screwed up.

In addition, I had ED issues caused by porn. I wanted to be intimate but couldn't perform or I barely could perform so I became fearful of intimacy. My wife could have interpreted that as a lack of attraction to her, but this would be totally untrue.

I only got better when I stopped doing porn, in life and in my head. I found that searching for information on "rebooting, porn and ED" helped me. Because of that information we do more intimate cuddling without the need to go further. This helped both of us. My wife likes the cuddles too, I bet.

[SOHope]

Big Eyes,
Thank you so much for your response. I looked into the rebooting, p and ED and a light bulb went on in my head. All this time I have taken the lack of attraction so personally when it has/had nothing to do with me at all. Seems like the wiring in the brain is just so used to p that men can become numb to real woman.
I'm not going to tell you that the full weight has been lifted off my shoulders though I feel as though I won't be as much of a 'nag' about it to my b/f. He's on day 15 of no p and m so heres to many more:)
Thank you again.

[waterlily327]

SOHope, I am so happy to hear that a weight has been lifted off your shoulders by what you have read here! I strongly suggest reading through some of the PA’s Recovery journals here. Doing that really opened my eyes, and helped take more of that weight off my shoulders. So many PA’s have really opened up and spilled their hearts out into their journals. I am just so glad you are feeling a little better now! *hugs*

[stillinlove]

Hi SOHope,
I'm BigEyes wife and what he said is absolutely real.
Toward the end when he was acting out, I could see how he was imitating some of the things he was watching and knew it wasn't coming from his heart, then it proceeded to the ED,. I didn't take it personally, I was more sad that I had lost him (that he was lost - I could see the pain in his face and the lies that didn't match it) and we had had so much fun together in the bedroom area.
I think that was the part of his end. I stopped pretending everything was okay, and told him how I felt (we had been trying to decide if I would leave or stay, and I couldn't leave but I couldn't live alone in that pain - so it was time to stop pretending). It was the first time I knew he was speaking from his heart, it all came gushing out. And that day, we sat down at the computer and found TTF, he had already been to 'your brain on porn' and the other he told you about, and we knew what had to be done.
We are now intimate, not just acting out parts like on screen, and its wonderful to have his energy and mine blend together.
We can feel real love again. And take the time to enjoy the hugs, massages, cuddling, etc.
It will happen. Take some initiative and just surround him with love and affection. When it's time, it will all fall into place.
Wishes and Blessings.
Join us on Wednesday evenings for the couples chat. You will both enjoy the comraderie and sharing.