Suggestions for my husband?

[raining on the inside]

Hello everyone. I'm new here on TTF. My husband joined as well, although I don't think he has used it much. He has been P free for a couple of weeks now. He started counseling, and is doing a "P log" where he writes his urges and thoughts on a daily basis. Weekly, he will share his journal with me and we will talk about this issue. He says that he is serious about remaining P free and being honest with me about his struggles, even relapses if he has any. He's stopped twice before but relapsed after a few months. I think his overall willpower and desire to stop is significant, especially with it so fresh on his mind. When things are good between us I know he does not want to hurt me, with P or with anything. HOWEVER, he has told me that when he is angry with me he get's a "screw her" attitude and doesn't really care about hurting me. Sometimes I think he wants to hurt me when he is angry. He has told me that when he is in the "screw her" mindset, he wants to use P and doesn't care about the impact on me. I'm very afraid that this is going to be his downfall. If he doesn't care about hurting me or about damaging our relationship, a huge incentive to stay away from P is not there. So when he's angry at me it appears that he is more vulnerable to relapse.

Does anyone have any suggestions that I can pass along to my husband in terms of strategy around this, changing his thought patterns when angry, how to overcome and change the "screw her" attitude so that when he is angry at me he is not more vulnerable to relapse?

Thank you!!!

[JenMac]

Hi Raining,
Perhaps you meant this to be answered by the men of the site, and so I hope they will also chime in.
The thought that jumped into my mind, is that he needs to want to do this for himself. My H Mac stopped in the past because of the hurt it caused me. I believe he truly believed he wanted to stop for me. Unfortunately that hurt did not have staying power. The memory of that hurt faded with time. And so the drive to stay p free faded as well, esp when they think they can keep it hidden or one time won't hurt etc.
This time I believe Mac not only knows my hurt but he can see the damage that it was causing to him as well. It was only this time that the internet was involved and so the effects were far more clear than in the past. By understanding the damage to himself, to me, as well as getting a clearer picture about what this industry is truly about, I believe he now sees the impact of this intrusion in our lives.
We watched anti P videos that had a profound affect on my H early on. It changed his thinking. I must warn you that these videos could be triggering. While I watched them, Mac only listened, but that was enough to have a life changing effect on him. He would tell you that it had a tremendous impact.
It is only with time away from this material that they can really start to understand the far reaching affects of what they have been viewing. I hope your H will realize what he, along with many, many others, are contributing to. I think that will have the most lasting affect of all.

Jenn

[raining on the inside]

Thank you, Jenn, for your response. I agree that he really needs to do this for himself to be truly successful. I am wondering if you remember any of the specific videos that you watched and if there is a way I can access them. I think he would be open to viewing something like that.

Thank you!

[JenMac]

Yes raining! I will send you the links!

Jenn

[Mac]

Jenn really hit the nail on the head with her answer to you Raining.
A PA is going no where until they can see and understand this industry for what it is and the devastating effect it has on everything in our lives. Only once we are clear of this for some time do we really start to learn just how far reaching this is. When your H gets into the screw you attitude and wants to revert to old behaviours, hopefully he will soon learn it is actually creating a screw him situation.
Like Jenn said, doing things to learn and understand the real abuses that are taking place in the industry was huge for me, so i would assume others would get the same from it. Educate yourselves.

Mac

[stillinlove]

Jen, would also love it if you would send them to me, also.

[waterlily327]

Raining, I want to share one of my experiences with this as a fellow SO here, to further highlight what Jenn said (she really did hit that nail right on the head!). My fiancé (Rockinastorm) is not a bad person, he is not a vengeful person; he is a wonderful, caring, loving man who has been affected by this horrible addiction. He started his recovery in June 2010, the summer after our junior year of college, when he started to admit everything to me. Throughout that month, a lot came out, and by the end of June, he had agreed to swear off p*** forever, to help my recovery as I was extremely fragile at that time.

He was not in recovery for himself until April 2011. He was only in it to save our relationship. It was a good start, but not enough…

Somewhere between June 2010 and April 2011, we got in a huge fight over something small. I can’t remember what it was now…not that it matters. He turned to p***, not just because he needed his fix, but because it was another way to “get back” at me for hurting his feelings. He was fragile too. When he was only in recovery to make me feel better, it became leverage. It ended up putting pressure on our relationship. That action was not him…it was this horrible addiction. He is not like that.

When he found TTF in March 2011, it was a start, but it was April that it clicked that he needed to do this no matter what happened to our relationship. Once he was in recovery for himself and for us he was stronger. He wasn’t just in it to keep our relationship alive, but to make his life better.

He still struggles with the ups and downs, but our lives have been soooo much better since he realized he needed to do this for him!

For both of us, education was huge. Take the time to learn…knowledge is power! TTF is such a great resource for starting that education, and there are some good books out there about the recovery process. Knowing what really goes on in the industry is huge though…the more you know, the uglier it gets. Raining, being here is a great start. I hope I didn’t bore you with my story!!

[mell]

Hi Raining,

The addict must want recovery for themselves. Problem is, until we are educated on what exactly the addiction is; we really don't know anything besides "this is something I shouldn't be doing".

Education and support are the keys. You said your H is seeing a counsellor, is he seeing one that is knowledgeable of addictions, and more importantly S addiction? It may sound like a simple question, but I saw two counsellors who had no knowledge of SA. One gave me a list and concluded that I was obsessive compulsive, another tied my phone s*x to calling my mother when I was a young teenager. Neither even brought up addiction.

I would advise your H to check out TTF, really check it out. There are many different strategies and success stories here. Maybe through that, he can make a plan.

Myself, I am a twelve step person. It was very scary to walk into the room for the first time, but now I know how much it means to me to have the support of a room full of addicts and a phone list that I can use any time.

I don't want this to turn into an endless rant. Does your H think he is addicted? IMO, the bottom line question for identifying addiction is: Do we do continue to things that we know are wrong and end up hurting the people we love and ourselves?

Hoping for the best for both of you. There is a way out.

[champagnesuppanova]

Hi Raining,

I am an SO, but I just wanted to give you my perspective on this having gone through discovery and begining recovery with my BF.

From open discussion with my BF and some couples counselling, he used P to get away from life, escape boredom and make himself feel better. Many PA's on TTF talk in their journals about turning to P to cope with emotions that they don't know how to process or deal with. You say that your H thinks he is most vulnerable and likely to turn to P when he has a "screw-her" mentality. In other words, he can't cope with the emotion of anger when it is directed at you.

I'm not going to lie to you, there is no quick fix for this. And Jenn is absolutely right, the PA has to be in recovery for himself in order for it to stand the best chance of success. Being addicted to P is a coping mechansim - it has similarities with alcohol and drug addiction in that respect. It is an attempt to drown out the emotion that the PA is feeling that he/she doesn't know how to cope with, so they get their "fix" instead. What your H will have to learn through counselling and education is a different way of dealing with those feelings of anger he has towards you. Feeling anger itself isn't the problem. It's how he copes with that emotion and how that coping manifests itself. He will need to tell his counsellor what he has told you about his "screw her" attitude so that the counsellor can help him.

Recovery is a process. There are stages to the realisation that a PA in true recovery goes through. In many ways, the fact that your H recognises his weak point as his "screw her" attitude is a huge positive. He is aware and he has identified an issue. The next stage is how he addresses and deals with that issue. But here is the thing - it is for the PA to deal with. You are the SO. You can't deal with it for him. You can educate yourself about his addiction and what he might be going through.

I hope that helps you and your H. It is only my own personal experience, but that is all any of us can talk about and share. Good luck. CSN

[truetome]

Hi Raining,
Reading through the posts here I can personally identify with everything said. Educating yourself on why and in what instances I turned to P was key to starting a positive recovery. I refused to believe I was an addict for the longest time because I did not use P frequently, it was more of a compulsive trend for me. As addicts we use the term "acting out" when we refer to the use of P or compulsive s*x behaviors. I was P free for over a year before I started my recovery. In the beginning I stopped because I new or felt the damage this caused to my wife. I never wanted to hurt her. That is the reason I lied to her about my use of P. But failing to see how I needed this for myself in the beginning kept the strain on our marriage. Just wishing these problems will go away and justifying my previous use did not allow me to really understand what she was going through or what shewas feeling. I didn't get it and it frustrated me until I thought "maybe there is something wrong with me" My wife and I don't argue, never have. I know when she is upset when she detaches and stops talking. I never told her when I was upset and would turn to P and mb. For me there are many reasons I have this addiction and it started long before I ever met my wife. But it wasn't until I discovered it's roots and how I used it to medicate pain could I work to fully accept this addiction. My wife was fortunate enough to find TTF and she tried to show it to me. I browsed it once in the beginning and being in denial said "that is not me".
I am encouraged your h is in therapy. I hope his therapist is familiar with S addiction. For your H when he has a "screw her" attitude he needs to think about why he is really angry. It is ok to get angry, it is just how you handle and communicate that anger to each other that will either bring you closer together or distance you. I wish you and your H all the best. If you can get him to read through some journals here on TTF maybe it will help him identify what he is feeling. I wish i took the time to do that 3 years ago but am blessed I do that now.
Matt