Have you had a change of heart?

[Charly22]

have you had a change of heart regarding the way you feel about P?

Are you only obstaining because of the consequences?

Do you feel differently about p, than you did in the past? Did you once love it and now despise it?

Do you still feel like it is something you would enjoy if you allowed yourself to partake, but know the results of partaking are something you don't want to experience?

Or do you hate it now. Do you see it as something that is repulsive?

Have you had a change of heart......or just a change of behavior?

[burnedout]

For me, the idea that what I'm doing to get pain relief could cause pain for someone else stopped me in my tracks.

[mell]

Tough questions Charly...... I don't know that I should answer, but I will give it a shot and be honest about it.


have you had a change of heart regarding the way you feel about P?

Yes, but probably not in the way the question was intended. I now realize that P is not innocent. It is addictive. It is also glamorized and fake, an industry of false reality that leads to unreasonable expectations and objectification. And the marketing makes it appealing to younger people. I compare it to the drug pusher on the street corner. It is always there, always wispering to people to give it a try.

Are you only obstaining because of the consequences?

Yes, however; the consequences are much more than 'getting caught'. I like potato chips
- the consequences of potato chips are weight gain, cholesterol, etc - but potato chips generally do not hurt others. My consequences of P include; loss of self esteem and self worth, hurting my loved ones, isolation, secrets, false reality, etc.

Do you feel differently about p, than you did in the past? Did you once love it and now despise it?

I loved to use it in the past and there are still moments of euphoric recall. Simply put, it is addictive to me. It consumes me when I use. I don't know that I despise it. I am more empathetic to those who use and those who profit from the industry. Most people do not recognize the damage done on both sides of it until it is too late and the hooks are deeply set in them.

Do you still feel like it is something you would enjoy if you allowed yourself to partake, but know the results of partaking are something you don't want to experience?

I don't know about enjoying it now. I have come to see the truth behind it. But I have to be honest and admit that the pull will always be there. Again with euphoric recall, I tend to forget the pain and only remember the good. Through recovery, I know the results are not just something I don't want to experience, but something I cannot afford to experience for my own sanity and well being. And thankfully, the pull is almost non existant now.

Or do you hate it now. Do you see it as something that is repulsive?

I do see it as repulsive now. I don't know that I hate it, I just know the lie and what it takes out of me.

Have you had a change of heart......or just a change of behavior?

I have had a change of heart, as I am now seeing my own reality and the insanity I put myself through when I was using. I believe the change of heart and change of behavior go hand in hand. I cannot have one without the other, if I do, I am taking half steps.

Why do I feel like I just put my foot in my mouth?!?

[Hipparchia]

I genuinely want to try to understand my H's involvement with P and so these questions and the honest answers I find insightful - if difficult to read and think about in some respects. I hope there will be others who would give their answers?

[Charly22]

Why do I feel like I just put my foot in my mouth?!?

I don't think you have put your foot in your mouth. I think you have explained yourself quite well, and allowing someone who is not addicted to p understand the honest truth behind what is at the core of it all for pa's. And burnedout put it quite simply and to the point.

I'm sure, as a SO, and other SOs wish we could hear our pa's say "I hate it", wish we could hear "I don't understand why anyone would want to watch that stuff".

But it is helpful for me to hear these explanations and thoughts on this....

I'd like to think the change in behavior brings the change of heart.....

[HopefulsRock]

Have you had a change of heart regarding the way you feel about P?
Yes indeed I have! …I despise it and find it to be lowering the standards of society. That and the way they use s*x to sell so many products and apparently it works …I wish it didn’t.

Are you only abstaining because of the consequences?
I sure am! I know now how it ruined me as a man and human being for that matter. The consequences of my addiction to P& MB were devastating to my character and not to mention nearly emotionally crushing Hopeful. The trauma she had to endure and still is was nearly overwhelming and she had to change and adapt just to survive emotionally. This journey of recovery has been difficult and exhausting at times and Hopeful and I working together have managed to somehow persevere but I know in some ways things will never be the same again. So yes I abstain because I know all too well the consequences!

Do you feel differently about p, than you did in the past? Did you once love it and now despise it?
Yes as I said above I now despise it but I don’t believe I ever loved it. If I loved something I believe I would have wanted to share it with others and I never wanted to do that with P. In fact just the opposite, I would hide it from others and never share one bit of what I viewed. I also never saved any or stored it away for later use… I couldn’t get rid of it fast enough!

Do you still feel like it is something you would enjoy if you allowed yourself to partake, but know the results of partaking are something you don't want to experience?
No, I truly despise P and would only see the sadness in it. With the awareness and clarity I have now and even if I only had thoughts of my wife I believe to partake in MB is a totally selfish thing to do and I would be betraying myself, my wife and God and I certainly find no enjoyment in that.
Or do you hate it now. Do you see it as something that is repulsive?
P, yes I hate it and find it repulsive… MB, I would say, is just plain stupid when I’m married to a beautiful loving wife like Hopeful.

Have you had a change of heart......or just a change of behavior?
Both! The change of heart was immediate upon being caught by my wife way back when and the change of behavior is still ongoing nearly 20 months later. Recovering from this addiction is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life but it also has been very rewarding to me personally... I just wish I could have gotten to where i am on my own many years ago and without my wife having to endure the damage and pain that went along with this addiction and my recovery from it.

Charlie I’ve got to say that you ask some tough ones but thank you for digging that out of me!

[BigEyes]

have you had a change of heart regarding the way you feel about P?

Yes, I would say that. The problems that came with the addiction to porn were terrible. My past addiction to porn and masturbation led to a loss of my emotional strength as a man. It has interfered with how I felt about myself and therefore how I related to other people. I think most people knew when they met me that something was a little off. It also interfered with my achievement of my life Goals. By the way I am 51 and have been addicted to porn for 30 years. The internet porn nearly destroyed me.

Are you only abstaining because of the consequences?

No. I am abstaining because I want to live life on my own terms, not on the terms of how my addiction wanted me to live. By the way, my addiction always wanted me dead and it wanted my wife and family to suffer terribly. The last round of porn and how that felt as I lived it, was truly horrific. What a nightmare.

Do you feel differently about p, than you did in the past? Did you once love it and now despise it?

I guess I look at porn the same way I looked at my addiction to pot (pot free for 24 years). I don't really care if other people do it. That's their choice. I just know that I can't do it. That is the end of the story.

Do you still feel like it is something you would enjoy if you allowed yourself to partake, but know the results of partaking are something you don't want to experience?

I don't feel that way at all. I find my addiction to porn repulsive and how I felt when I "did porn" was like an emotional hurricane.

Or do you hate it now. Do you see it as something that is repulsive?
I hated my addiction. I hated who I was on porn.

Have you had a change of heart......or just a change of behavior?

Both. Not sure what else to add about that that I haven't already said above.