How to approach this article?

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Hi PAs,

First, if you're reading & willing to open up, a thank you in advance. You are doing me and my H a kindness (and likely other SOs, too)

I am nto certain my H is addicted to P. He may be at the lower end of the cycle, but I think there's some MB issues/addiction going on.

I found an article I'd like to read to him (so I'm sure it gets heard/read) about recovering from PA/MBA. Lots of good science in it, and lots of "listen, don't berate yourself. Get over the guilt and here's why."

It is a long article. At least 5 parts.

My H is very uncomfortable talking about these issues with me. there is understandably shame, and he feels terrible about his perceived ED and performance issues. Here is my question:

How can I best approach him to read him this article in a way that:
1. is compassionate, not critical. Remember, he probably doesn't think he's PA.
2. addresses his potential shame
3. Ensures he actually listens
4. Helps get him to open up after the article is done?

Thank you so much.

Dot

[Mac]

Hey There Dot

Welcome to TTF. I have seen you here posting and just haven't had a chance to say hello.

Boy you are asking some tough questions here.
I am a recovering PA and I would say that I also came here thinking I wasn't really addicted. There are some pretty gray lines when it comes to deciding whether or not it's an addiction. Does your H have a problem or not. I assume he does or you wouldn't be here. Just admitting you have a problem is far more important than having a label for it.
Anyway to your questions.
1- How do you approach talking to him about the article with compassion and not be critical. Well being compassionate is something you can control, but insuring that what you share won't come across as critical?? Well you you can't control how he will feel about something. When you are in this as a PA ( or a person with a problem) a lot of things can hit a nerve. I guess just tread lightly
2- sharing in a way that addresses his potential shame is another hard one. If he is using P and MB together on a consistant basis, from what i've learned it is pretty much a given that he will have lots of guilt and shame bottled up. There is no way you can protect him from that. For me and my recovery i tried to use the guilt and shame in my favour to push me towards recovery.
3- How to approach it to ensure he listens. Can't really give any suggestions here other than approach it with honesty and respect. Maybe just approach it by saying, I have an arcticle that I thought you might find interesting that i would like to share.
4- Getting him to open up after? Another tough one. For me I know it was hard to get started at opening up, but once I did get started, it became very liberating. All you can really do from your point is try to create an atmosphere that he will feel comfortable to share his feelings.
I know my SO came to me all kinds of times with articles, stories and information. It was always under the premis of, I thought this might interest you or I have something i would like to share, she pretty much just left it up to me whether i read it or shared. She never forced this kind of thing on me. I became very comfortable with this and even looked forward to stuff she would pass along. It was a great help to me

The problem is there will be times when it will be impossible to be any of the above things.
He is going to feel guilt and shame, he is going to feel criticized, but sometimes things just have to be layed out there and let the chips fall where they may. It will be impossible for you get through this and never hurt his feelings.
A loving and respectful approach by you is great as long as you get what you need from the process as well.

Good Luck Dot

All the best
Mac

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Dear Mac,

Thank you for stepping up and replying here, thoughtfully and truthfully.

I don't have a whole lot to say in return other than the insights you give are really helpful, and I believe they'll be of help to other SOs, too. Thanks for taking what might have been a risk and sharing. :)

Dot

[2frustrated]

How about this:

Nonchalantly bring up a friend you know who's husband/boyfriend is addicted to p. Say how you're concerned about your friend because you stumbled across an article about how to deal with PA, and it seems your friend's husband is going about it the wrong way.

That way, it's not directly about your husband. He won't get defensive. I know that with my wife, I get defensive very easily, even when it's unwarranted. You want to make it so that your husband's defenses don't immediately spring up. Be casual and reassuring. It always helps to boost his confidence a little, too!